It’s not as if we hadn’t seen this coming for awhile. I think I knew for sure that it was time to say goodbye to True Blood last season when I wrote that I hoped I was dead before the show returned. And yet, here I am. Sad story. I knew going into last night’s season 5 premiere that I would not be recapping the show because guess what: LIFE IS LITERALLY TOO SHORT. When I get to them bright pearly gates and Saint Peter is like “Surprise, Jew! Now let’s look back on how you spent your brief time on Earth,” and everything goes by in a flash except the flash sort of slows down at one point because those are the YEARS I spent slogging through recaps of True Blood, I at least want to be able to turn to Albert Einstein and Audrey Hepburn at the fabulous dinner party that first night and say, “at least I eventually learned my lesson,” and then everyone will high five and we’ll cheers to me with crystal goblets of cloud wine. The point is: enough. But I did watch last night’s episode just to see how bad things were going to get, because sometimes you do want to stick your hand in the Dune Itchy Box and see how long you can last. NO SPOILERS but the show didn’t get no better over the break. It stinks!

Probably the most ridiculous thing about True Blood besides everything about it is the idea that Jason Stackhouse would know all the lyrics to “Cherry Bomb” by heart trying to imagine explaining last night’s episode to someone who had never seen the show before. We jump in right where we last left off, and it’s a fucking nightmare. “OK, so, you see, the two vampires just killed the Vampire Prime Minister, I think, something like that, and now they have to kill someone with a silver UMBRELLA and fuck their own siblings in a The Wire Season 2 Frank Sabotka storage container and get new VAMPIRE PASSPORTS before the Vampire government stabs them with wooden stakes for vampire treason. Meanwhile, the naked dog/bird shapeshifter who owns a bar and grill with a pool table is being hunted by the werewolves for killing another werewolf because he wants to date a woman with a child that he met in a support group and it turns out werewolves are cannibals at funerals that is a thing and Lafayette has the dark Mexican magic but he is sad because he stabbed his own boyfriend while wearing his boyfriend’s own silk robe but now the body is gone probably to be turned into an Egyptian mummy and there used to be maenads whatever those are and Sookie is a fairy but we’re not talking about that right now for some reason and where are the Panther People now that you mention it but the most important thing is that this all comes back to THE WAR IN IRAQ.” Oh neat. Let’s keep watching this sounds great!

Obviously, you could make this point about lots of shows that have complicated plots and are five seasons deep. It’s never going to be easy to just pick something up 100 hours in. But here’s the thing: most of those shows don’t make me want to JUMP OFF A ROOF. That’s the big difference, you see? So goodbye to this show. I will never watch another minute of it. It’s terrible. I know that millions of people love it and masturbate to it and that’s fine, I’m happy for them, Vampire Jessica is kind of hot except for the whole I’M AN ADULT AND SHE’S IN A VAMPIRE COSTUME thing, but you know, you do you, everybody. Enjoy it. I’ll be lying in this freshly dug grave waiting for you to toss cold dirt in my stupid fucking face. It’s still better than watching this garbage.

Comments (47)
  1. Come ON Gabe. Your True Blood recaps are my favorite part of Mondays in summer. This is garbage.

  2. It’s not really over, right? Remember that one time we though Tara was dead, but then within two minutes of the next episode she came back to life? Basically that’s the cliffhanger of every episode of True Blood so I’m sure you recall. This is just like that right? Next Monday Gabe will miraculously post another recap and we’ll be all phew and stuff.

  3. So I assume that this means that you took my deal, and WMOAT is coming back? Sounds great, can’t wait!!!!!!

  4. I’m just going to put this tricked out Alcide here so we can pretend we didn’t read Gabe’s post and, instead, get hypnotized by that lovely lovely werewolf… Maybe it will work on Gabe!

  5. Can I get an Amen?

  6. No more True Blood recaps, no more Gossip Girl recaps, and no more Worst Movie of All Time? What is going on here?

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Also, no more Top Chef, and Game of Thrones is an open thread and Mad Men is kind of like an open thread with a slightly longer intro.

      I think they are Gabe giving up on The Walking Dead and Kelly giving up on Breaking Bad away from just not doing reviews/recaps of television anymore.

      Of course Kelly would never give up on Breaking Bad, would she? Would she??? WOULD SHE?!!?

  7. Have you been talking to my girlfriend, because she said almost the exact same thing after last night’s fiasco. “I will never watch another minute of this show.”

    Wait…HAVE you been talking to my girlfriend? Gabe?

    • I think 99% of America jointly said “I’ll never watch another minute of this show” last night. And I think 99% of those people said that immediately after Eric got done ravaging his vampire sister in a storage container and said (with a serious face) that “We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions”

  8. I’m worried about Gabe, guys.

    • Wait… Gabe’s suddenly “not interested” in vampires? And he’s trying to turn everyone’s attention away to something else? Why would he do that, unless… Oh my god… It’s worse than I thought…

  9. As creepy as fucking your vampire sister is, at least Eric isn’t fucking Sookie anymore. Right? That’s an improvement?

    I tried.

  10. Does this mean no more The Vampire Diaries recaps? GABE HOW COULD YOU.

  11. Instead of doing True Blood recaps, Gabe will spend his extra time campaigning for the return of How To Make It In America.


  13. Thank you, Gabe. I am now released from the bonds of this awful program because I know longer have to watch it in order to enjoy your recaps. That said, I’ll miss them. Oddly, your recaps of one of the worst shows on TV were better than almost anything on TV.

  14. As much as I liked the recaps, I hated watching the show so much. I loitered for about an hour last night until I thought, “I’ll just watch this episode in case Gabe recaps it.” When I started to watch it, I really hoped Gabe would not recap it so I can stop. I guess it would have been funny to just read the recaps and not watch them, but watching them is torture!

  15. Just watch/rewatch Six Feet Under instead!

  16. I’ve never seen this show but is this what they had sex in? Cause yeah, that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense.

  17. HBO wants to know if you’ll accept a consultant’s fee for that Egyptian mummy idea. I know I’m sold.

  18. I understand why you have to quit this atrocity, but I sure wish you wouldn’t. Reading the hate-recaps made me feel ever so slightly more justified in my weekly hate-watching of this garbage barge.

  19. game of thrones brought us “tyrionfaceslash” and trueblood brings us “boningmyvampiresister”

  20. PLEASE DON’T STOP. These are the best recaps on the internet, ever. Please? Do I need to start a petition?

  21. Nooooooooooooooo! The only reason I’ve been able to watch True Blood since Season 1 was knowing I could come here and read the Sanity and Truth in the Gospel of Gabe.

    Eff you, True Blood. If you had — *spoiler alert* — killed Tara instead of making her immortal, I’m sure Gabe would still be recapping. ABR.

    I can understand your not wanting to slog through 11-ish more hours of TB, Gabe, but I do hope you reconsider. No pain, no gain? Comedy forged from suffering? And look at what’s coming up in the next three eps…so much to rip apart:

    –bromance between Eric and Bill as they search for the risen Russell Edgington!

    –return of evangelist-turned-vampire Reverend Steve Newlin!

    –in-fighting among the Vampire Authority council, lead by Roman (Law & Order: SVU’s Christopher Meloni)!

    –[Sookie] drain[ing] nearly every bottle of alcohol in her house and get[ting] goofy to Jimmy Buffett!

    –a confusing theological debate about Lilith, the “Vampire Bible,” and a “sanguinistas”-versus-mainstreamers conflict within the vampire community!

    –Meloni’s Roman and his ilk—which includes the actual Biblical temptress Salome (Valentina Cervi) herself!

    [list items are quoted from Jace Lacob's review at The Daily Beast]

  22. I loved for these! I feel like having a Bill/Sookie moment with Gabe and getting all huffy.

  23. Pam’s sweatsuit was great though

  24. I just realized that if I continue watching True Blood without the complement of fully understanding and appreciating Gabe’s recaps, I will feel so dirty…like cemetery soil in the peehole dirty :(

  25. Gabe, please. Surely you find True Blood better, on every level, than Walking Dead. And your WD re-caps are sheer brilliance. Pleeease, consider the karmic potential of making so many people so happy by continuing TB!! Would kisses and hugs help? xxox??

  26. this is gabe right now

  27. SNL is poop, and not in a fun way, so it should be the first to go, in my opinion.

  28. Gabe I do believe you take this show entirely too seriously

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