Imagine the most terrifying thing you could ever imagine. Are you doing it? I’ll wait until you think of it, I know it’s early. You there yet? Are you thinking of the possibility that a stranger will push you onto the subway tracks while you’re waiting for a train, for no reason at all and with no prior confrontation? You’re correct! You got it. That is definitely the most terrifying thing one* could ever imagine, in the whole world. But you’re thinking, “Sure, that’s the most terrifying thing I can think of, but we can’t waste our time worrying about things like that, because things like that don’t ACTUALLY happen. Why spend all our energy on–” UGH, STOP, SHUT UP, YOU ARE THE WORST, IT JUST HAPPENED THIS WEEK! AHHHHH! So please let this serve as a reminder that the worst possible thing you can think of happening, even though it seems crazy, does happen sometimes. Sometimes you get pushed onto the tracks. Sometimes the bee DOES sting you. Sometimes even though you’re just putting your purse down for two seconds and it’s a nice bar and you go there all the time, someone DOES steal your purse. Sometimes THE POLAR BEAR SHATTERS THE PROTECTIVE GLASS AT THE ZOO WHILE YOU’RE STANDING THERE, WATCHING IT.

Ahhhhhh! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Be safe out there. Don’t leave your houses. Stay inside where you’re safe. Order in chinese food. Call your family. Take a nap. (Via Abroath.)

*One 20-something female blogger who lives in Brooklyn, NY.
Comments (48)
  1. Well that was a letdown. Although in Kelly’s defense, the tagline “Sometimes the worst thing that could ever happen ALMOST does happen” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

  2. Shattered vs. cracked: The age old dilemma.

  3. The bear thought he saw the kid who was messing with the lion.

  4. In the polar bear’s defense he can’t help it that he’s clumsy, and he needs to be big to keep him warm during the cold winters


  6. NONONO. This means that one day I will be on a roller coaster or other thrill ride and my seatbelt will come undone and I’ll come flying out and sail in slo-mo through the air for about 5 seconds thinking about how these are my last moments in life and then I’ll die. Or alternately, I’ll see the same thing happen to my little brother while I watch helplessly from the ground.

    (I’ve had both those nightmares more than once, and yet I still love roller coasters and other thrill rides. Like a lot.)

    • I used to not be afraid AT ALL about roller coasters because I watched enough 3-2-1 Contact to know that they’re designed to move to an area of lower inertia (?? is that right? I haven’t taken physics in awhile but an area where it would be at rest more than the upside part?) and you’ll be safe. HOWEVER, sometimes crap happens and the power goes off on a ride and people get stuck upside down and a rescue team has to come in but they can’t really do much because what that ride really needs is the power restored so those people can get to a resting state. The point is, make sure you take a roller coaster with one of those clamping down restraints too, not that those are totally safe either. Or don’t go on roller coasters at ALL.

      And once I saw someone lose their car keys on the upside part of a roller coaster.

  7. kelly, you have been very on point and fairly consistent in addressing irrational fears and confronting them head on, while actually showing that sometimes they aren’t that irrational because SOMETIMES THEY HAPPEN IRL!!!

    I hearby declare you the first Post 9/11 20-something female blogger who lives in Brooklyn, NY

    • I disagree. I think she’s the first post-post-9/11 20-something female blogger who lives in Brooklyn, NY.

      • Whenever I see someone respond to explainer guy tries again!, I just think of their name with the suffix ‘tries again!’ Gobblegirl tries again!

  8. My reaction pre-video was a whispered “Ahhhhh! Oh my goddddd! Ahhhh!” for like two minutes straight. This is seriously one of my biggest fears at aquariums. The one in Baltimore has this terrifying ramp that circles down, down, down and it’s so dark and there are sharks everywhere and oh my god what if it broke?! You’d be so dead! I went last fall, right when they opened for the day, and it was super creepy being nearly alone in an aquarium. I have chills right now.

  9. Also the fear here is not the bear, it’s the water, right?

  10. Protective glass isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

  11. I wanted smashing glass and thousands of gallons of water whooshing out and Dutch people running away from a marauding bear.

  12. Polar Bears are PISSED about global warming!

  13. This is not the most terrifying thing in the world as it does not involve spiders.

  14. “That glass just cracked! Let’s REMAIN IN THE ROOM.”

  15. I have a good story.

    A few years ago I came across a news article about a polar bear escape from the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. It happened a long, long time ago (oh wow only 1969) when it was very rainy out the water separating the polar bears from the public rose high enough that they could swim over and escape, no big deal. So what did they do? They attacked a marshmallow stand that made marshmallows and sold ice cream. World’s most deadly predator is out and about at the zoo, able to eat whatever it wants, and goes for the delicious marshmallows and ice cream. Plus? Up until the 1950s, visitors were told to toss marshmallows to the bears, so maybe the bears remembered the marshmallows or knew of them from bear story time. The bears were captured and put back in their spot and no one was hurt.

  16. Actual quote from the NYMag subway-pushing article:

    “I think my [recently deceased] mom saved me,” she told the Daily News, in a moving quote that we nonetheless hope the classmates who actually saved her didn’t read.

  17. Someone owes me 46 seconds.

    For real.

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