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Oh great. Time to catch up with these wonderful ladies. I can’t wait to see what they’ve all been up to! (I can wait to see what they’ve all been up to. Forever.)

Within the first five minutes of the season 2 premiere, this show abandons all pretense of being anything other than a poorly cast, dismal soap opera. Jill Zarin (who looks GREAT, btw, and I’m sorry for what I said yesterday, gurrrl) talked shit about Alex McCord to Cindy Adams and now there is a fabulous tempest in a Faberge teacup or something. Who cares? Is the gossip that these women all hate each other and only socialize because that’s the contractual obligation they made with Bravo for their 15 minutes of pretending like they mattered? Because we already knew that. Of course they hate each other. Who doesn’t hate these assholes?

But, OK. So, what IS new?

Bethanny introduced her skeleton arms.

Never to be outdone, Alex one-upped Beth with the introduction of her skeleton FACE.

No offense, but she might be the least attractive woman in the whole world. I mean, some offense probably. Yuck.

Meanwhile, the Cuntess still reigns large in her mind.

Whoever she was talking to in this scene walked away and was like “what is a countess?” And someone explained it to her. And then she shrugged and was like “if it bleeds, it can be killed.”

There’s a new housewife named Kelly, but we already knew that. She kind of puts all the other housewives to shame, even if she is divorced and single and has a job. I think. Does she have a job? She may or may not have a job. In any case, it’s weird for this show to have someone who is actually kind of pretty and not some post-menopausal nightmare of self-loathing-status-anxiety and/or Skeleton Arms Magoo. Then again, it’s surely only a matter of time before Kelly reveals her true colors, which I’m guessing are gold, platinum, and the deep black of an unsatisfiable spiritual abyss.

But the best part about the new season is the addition of a SEVENTH housewife.

That lady is THA BEST. She should have her own TV channel. It would be called Gray Home and Gardens. Get it? I thought she was going to be relegated to an incredible background detail, but you have to hand it to the Bravo producers, they know gold when they see it, and this is gold, and they saw it. So eventually one of the housewives went and talked with her. Unfortunately, it was the worst housewife. (Just kidding, there’s no such thing as “the worst” housewife. Compared to what?)

Shut up, Cuntess. This is like that scene in Capote when Phillip Seymour Hoffman condescendingly, and wearily says to Perry Smith, “There is not a word, or a sentence, or a concept, that you can illuminate for me.” That is what this is like. You could cut off this woman’s arms and legs and she’d still run circles around Cuntess DeLessucks.

Also, why didn’t you tell me that your boyfriend was going to be on the show?

Your boyfriend is lame. Like this show. I, ah, paint only ZINGS.

Comments (9)
  1. Chadams  |   Posted on Feb 18th, 2009 +5

    I would never have thought to wear a shirt with pizza pies on it. I’m speechless and don’t think I could ever achieve that level of casual wear creativity.

  2. Kelly is a fox.

    I’D MARRY THAT

    She’s a total MILM.

  3. So, the Countess was a catalog model but she won’t drink beer from a bottle?

    Will she blow a line off a dirty toilet, I wonder?

    • I got the impression that she was more like a TJ Maxx model, or whatever the equivalent of that is. So, yeah, why would she be drinking out of a beer bottle for Christ’s sake.

      Whenever she says shit like that, I begin to wonder if she even watched herself in the first season.

  4. That guy in that last jpeg looks like the dude from The Room.

  5. GoldSparkleLady is about 2 seconds away from crying out “You snobby bitch” and throwing her Mojito Cosmotini in the Douchess’ stupid face.

  6. juju  |   Posted on Mar 11th, 2009 0

    The Cuntess was so jealous of Bethany because she was on the cover of Social Life magazine when she asked her if they would retouch the photo the lot… Bethany is the most beautiful. Can’t you see her angular face and perfect features. The Cuntess is nothing but a middle aged housewife thinking that the world revolves around her. I can see her falling from her horse very soon… You bet! Married to her granddad and leaving mostly by herself with 2 kids, a dog and a maid, she is not a great anything, but a housewife who married a rich man, who whatever his family did in the past, is in the past. Did he do anything great at all? Or he’s just a normal person carrying his family name?. They should live in Europe because in the US people couldn’t careless about who they are. Only the empty gossip ones who trive on this hollow life. I’m giving away my TV. Worthless to watch these days.

  7. juju  |   Posted on Mar 11th, 2009 0

    Love the Cuntless DeLessucks!!!! Great! Now she is definetely tagged!

  8. Jerry  |   Posted on Mar 19th, 2009 0

    These shows should be callled the “The Unreal Housewwives”..I mean come on Bravo…. In these bad economic times you put on shows and pay women who
    are rich and do nothing but eat,shop and give parties…. That Jill is the reason I’m afraid to say I’m from NY… Oye Freaking Vey… And Bethany a Jewish girl that cooks…Ramona is nut job and needs some good medication… And the queen Lu Ann…Married for the money…it soooo freaking obvious..Please get some REAL programming…….

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