When the Snow White and the Huntsman trailer was released in November of 2011 it seemed to surprise a lot of people, including me, because, my goodness, that trailer was so good! So fresh, so beautiful, so exciting! And all from a Kristen Stewart action adventure version of Snow White? C’mon. C’MON. The last time I remember being that surprised by a movie trailer I had previously thought was just going to be another boring, old movie trailer was when I saw The Social Network trailer before a screening of Inception. (Remember how good THAT trailer was?) (What a great trailer!) But the difference between The Social Network and Snow White and the Huntsman — the one tiny difference, I’m not sure if you guys spotted this or not — is that The Social Network then actually turned out to be a good movie and Snow White and the Huntsman didn’t so much turn out to be a good movie. Oops. Which kind of makes sense! It’s honestly a little hard to feel too surprised or upset to find out that the Kristen Stewart-helmed action movie adaptation of Snow White wasn’t great. We did this to ourselves. We chose this. But one thing that we can be upset about it the widely jumped-to conclusion that the movie failed due to poor casting choices. Yes, Charlize is for sure more beautiful than Kristen Stewart. And yes, Kristen Stewart is 100% Kristen Stewart the whole time. But that wasn’t where the movie failed — the move failed in how it refused to acknowledge either of those things. 

Not to say that Kristen Stewart wasn’t bad in this movie. Just as much as I believe that the movie could’ve worked well with a charmingly odd Snow White, which I will get to in a second, I do believe that an actress who was cast as Snow White should’ve been able to act like a normal Snow White who doesn’t make you feel like maybe we should just give her a few minutes by herself and see if that makes her feel better. You know? Kristen Stewart should’ve been able to play the part of the classic sweet and charming Snow White, if that’s the part that she signed on to play. You’re an actress! Just stop making that face, speak up, and act like someone who doesn’t have the world’s shittiest life! But she, as was expected, played it through the dead-eyes and half-smirking mumble of Twilight‘s Bella Swan, which made the whole thing a lot more confusing than I think it was intended to be. Like at the end when she was in the chair after being crowned queen, and it looked like she was going to murder everyone? It’s possible that that was just a lead-in to Snow White and the Huntsman 2: The One Where Snow White Is The Evil Queen Now, but mostly I think it was just because that’s the face Kristen Stewart has. Which is confusing. Also she sometimes had an English accent and sometimes didn’t. Which, you know. She wasn’t good!

BUT I don’t think that the movie would have been better if they cast a more classically sweet and beautiful Snow White. I do think the movie would’ve been better if the classically sweet and beautiful Snow White hadn’t just been dropped into a darker, action-oriented version of the fairy tale and given a sword. She didn’t need to be sweet and outwardly more beautiful than the queen to defeat her in the end (and certainly people have been able to usher others into war in the past without being beautiful princesses), so why spend so much time trying to convince the audience that she is sweet and more outwardly beautiful than Charlize Theron? When we can SEE that she is not? No offense? The updated take on the story should’ve included an updated take on the perception of Snow White — she can be charming, but she doesn’t have to prove it by running around with gross looking demon fairies and dancing with dwarves. And she can be beautiful, but she shouldn’t have to compete with the beauty of Charlize Theron using deceptive, dewy morning close-ups. We know what she looks like. We know what she acts like. And they could each have been ok — MORE than ok, even — if they gave us a reason to believe that, even with these odd attributes, this was OUR Snow White. Our Generation’s Snow White.™ The stronger, interesting, kind of weird one. Instead, though, she fell flat in a roll that didn’t fit, and wouldn’t have been interesting even if it did. Which was a bummer.

The Kristen Stewart Problem, though, wasn’t the only problem with Snow White and the Huntsman. Another, arguably equally large problem was the pacing. There was a lot of time spent on the scenery — which was beautiful! And nice to watch! — and a lot of time spent, like, explaining all the stuff we already knew about the queen draining the life from young women, but not nearly enough time spent on what seemed to be the most promising parts of the story. The land of women who mutilated their faces so the queen wouldn’t kill them, for instance, was a VERY cool part that was given very little time and almost no relevance to the story. As was the entire dwarves plot line. We met those characters — all of whom could’ve been very interesting! They seemed interesting! I wanted to know more about them! — and were given a bullshit reason to care about one of them so it was sad when he died and then watched them bumbling along, trying to open the tower, at a pace that felt like the director had someplace else to be. And with each of these examples, if they were given a little more room to breathe, I feel like the element of guilt Snow White felt for a split second when the Mutilated Women island was being burned down could’ve been explored further — guilt that all of these people were being murdered because she was trying to save her own life. (And that guilt could’ve served to propel her more once she found out that there was a significant reason for her life to be saved — that she was the only one who could kill the evil queen.)

Also there were some other annoying things like HOW DID SHE GET A COAT WHEN IT STARTED SNOWING AND SUDDENLY SHE HAD A COAT? And also, why was the queen so desperate for Snow White’s heart at the end? That is to say: Why did she allow herself to become so sickly and weak at multiple points? I mean, I know she wanted Snow White because once she had Snow White’s heart she wouldn’t have to kill any other young ladies anymore and she’d be immortal, etc., but it’s not like she couldn’t have just kept killing young ladies? Right? Like? Did she run out of them, or something? Just keep sucking out their lives! Who cares! Not you! And also: It was super dumb how her brother kept giving silly “this is the reason why you should be mad and try to kill me now” monologues before he had to do anything important. Also: His haircut. Also: Milk.

With all that said, though, I do think it was an enjoyable movie! It certainly wasn’t a GREAT movie, no duh, I just spent the past few paragraphs explaining how it was not a great movie, but it was beautiful and parts of it were exciting and I didn’t regret seeing it. So it’s kind of like, you know, what more can you ask for? It’s kind of a bleak way to view life but, really, WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK FOR FROM THIS WORLD THAN A MOVIE THAT WAS JUST OK? It was fun! And one thing I really liked was the True Love’s Kiss moment. I may not even be right about this, but I was under the impression that Chris Hemsworth’s kiss that brought Snow White back to life did so because of how deeply in love he was with his deceased wife, rather than how deeply in love he was with Snow White. Right? I said that to the friends I saw the movie with and they said that they thought the kiss brought her back to life just because Chris Hemsworth also loved Snow White, and that they thought that was a particularly upsetting part of the movie. But I think it was because he loved his wife. Right? HELLO? If that is the case, then that was a very good new take on the story and I liked it a lot! So beautiful and touching! He loved his wife so much! Also I liked the mirror:

What did you think? Did you see it? It was the highest grossing movie of the weekend so I think there’s a good chance that you did! Did you like it? What do you think about the True Love’s Kiss question? Hmmmmm?

Comments (84)
  1. I think I’m doing baths wrong. Got milk?

  2. I don’t think I’ll ever see this movie. Thank you for the review, Kelly!

  3. Yeah, I like that Snow White is generally kind of a love story, but instead they completely dropped that? I didn’t really get it.

    But of course they don’t drop the whole “only a pure, virginal young girl can save the world.” ugh, get over the chastity stuff, and also the random christian undertones. What was with the Our Father bit?

    Overall: very pretty to look at, not really a great plot. But still, pretty enough to entertain me for a few hours.

    • The OG story of Snow White is that, Snow White’s momz dies and her evil ho bag Step Mom gets butt hurt than the mirror says that Snow White is hotter than she is. So the Queen asks the huntsman to take her 7 year old step kid in to the woods to be killed, but dude falls in love with her (a 7 year old) and the Queen wants proof that he killed her. She wants him to bring back her lungs and liver, so instead he brings back the lungs and liver of a wild animal and the queen EATS them (THAT’S SOME ZOMBIE 2012 BATH SALTS SHIT). Then she goes to live with the Dwarves where they like, “Bitch, you cook and clean and shit, you can stay here.” So she does, but the Queen finds out via that snitch Mirror and tries to kill her off. She gives her that poisoned apple and she “dies”, or so it would seem. They put her in a glass coffin and like years later some Prince comes to check her out, thinks she hot, asks the Dwarves if he can take her coffin (creepy?) and on his way out trips over some shit and like, bitch is magically alive (apparently she just choked on it?) and they get married. And in the end, the Queen gets hers. THE END.

      Y’all I’m totally remaking this story my way.

      • Ha, my friend explained the difference between the spells in Sleeping Beauty and Snow White this way:

        - In Sleeping Beauty, SB pricks her finger on the spinning wheel or whatever and is put to sleep until she’s kissed by true love.

        - In Snow White, SW eats the poisoned apple and immediately goes into a coma. The prince kisses her, but the kiss isn’t the cure for the curse. All the kiss does is dislodge the piece of apple that is stuck in her mouth so she just wakes up when it falls out. Which is strange because if it’s been in there for a few years you’d think it would have rotted away by then. Also, open-mouth kissing a girl you think is dead that you just wander up on in the woods? Nasty.

        • In some of the like, super old versions, he doesn’t kiss her. He just asks to take her coffin and while carrying it, trips over a tree root and drops her coffin and dislodges the apple in her throat. Gnarly.

        • The versions I used to read had her refusing things from the queen in various disguises — a mirror and something else — before she eats the apple. Then the prince rapes her when she’s asleep and she gives birth to a baby while still in the coma. Then the baby bites her or kisses her and/or the apple dislodges and *then* she wakes up.

          Most original passed down versions of fairy tales (especially of German origins) were super gross, disturbing and crazy dark (incest, chopping off fingers to teach lessons, mad poverty, bloody gruesome deaths, etc.) long before the Grimm Brothers got to them (let alone Disney). We used to read pre-Grimm stories in my high school German class. I don’t remember a lot of German, but I do remember how to conjugate the verb totenschlagen (to beat to death) because it was used in basically *every* story… Every story intended for children to teach them to stay the hell out of the woods.

          It’s also kind of why I adore Grimm* as a procedural crime show. The crimes actually kind of match the original stories and ultimately it teaches you to stay the hell out of Forest Park.

          *This has been my weekly plug for NBC’s Grimm, a show we all should be watching because it’s great.

          • The original sleeping beauty is really fucked up. She doesn’t wake up at his kiss, she wakes up when one of their twins, looking for food, suckles at her finger.

            This is one of the least fucked up fairy tales.

          • Y’all, I took a fairy tales class in college (la ti da) and there is more incest, rape, necrophilia, cannibalism, and giving birth to babies while unconscious (hoow???) than I would care to remember.

            Another fun thing about Snow White is that there is some subtext that the Queen was jealous of Snow White sexually because the King (Snow’s FATHER) was showing a liiiiittle too much interest in her. Fun times!

            The Grimm Bros actually cleaned them up some; put them through a Christian and German nationalistic filter. That’s why a lot of the fairy tales have evil stepmothers. Because originally they were just straight up MOMS and the Bros were like “A good Christian, German mother would certainly not try to murder her own daughter in a fit of jealousy. Better make it the stepmom!”

            And badideajeans, I started watching Grimm but fell off. I’m glad to see that maybe I should finish up the season, since it seems like it got better?

          • Summer, YUP to everything you just wrote about the fairy tales.

            Grimm gets super good in the last third of the season… arcs start to develop and it gets weirder and funnier. Pilates Wolf gets more attention as does the overlying history of the Grimms and how they and the shifter people (fine, vessen) have shaped history and why. It’s not perfect, but the last third of the season (basically stuff that was made after the show got picked up for another year) starts to reflect the Angel/Buffy origins of the show runner.

    • We truly could not understand why she was saying the Our Father. In a land where apple trees both blossom and fruit at the same time, you’d think God would be unnecessary.

  4. I STILL really can’t tell WHAT ABOUT that trailer looked good to ANYONE. EVEN THE music was a rip off OF THE INCEPTION trailer SCORE!

  5. I just wanted to say that the queen’s outfits were fiiieeeerrrrrce. And I almost laughed out loud at how ~~magical~~ the fairy-land-place was with the adorable bunnies and adorable mushrooms and etc etc

  6. The movie would have been better if Charlize Theron had played Queen Ravenna as Rita Leeds playing Queen Ravenna. That being said, I love Charlize Theron.

  7. You forgot to answer the most important question:
    Was it better than Mirror Mirror?
    If I have to pick one snow white movie to see this year, which one should it be?

  8. Ha this post reminds of the gross disparity between Charlize Theron (and Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel) and Kristen Stewart last night at the #MTVMovieAwards. K-Stew looked terrible! Like she never goes outside and doesn’t own a hairbrush. I get that the show is for kicks and no one cares about the prize, but it’s still on television!

  9. I liked it! I’m a little surprised that the stuff that bothered me apparently didn’t bother you, though… Example: Why did they CGI Bob “Roger Rabbit” Hoskins and Cesar’s sidekick from Hunger Games and Nick Frost’s heads onto little bodies instead of using actual dwarf actors? Are there not enough of those? Did we run out? Were they all busy making Mirror Mirror and they had to improvise? Also, what was with Chris Hemsworth’s accent? I thought it was much more confusing than Snow White’s. Sometimes it was Scottish, sometimes it was Irish. We know from Thor that he can do a good British accent, was he just trying to test out his new chops? He got an accent CD for his birthday and wanted to see how many he could fit in?

    And I actually laughed out loud when they escape the dwarves and the Queen’s baddies find the ropes they had been tied with, and one of them sniffs it and says “they’ve been here” or whatever. You had to sniff it, dude?? If you’re going to use bullshit techniques to determine if they’ve been through, can you at least amp it up a bit? “A woman and a man. *sniff* 6… no, 7 dwarves *sniff* Three had eggs for breakfast. They are headed north-east.”

  10. I didn’t love it, but I had a good time! I mostly got stuck on how the queen just yelled at people randomly (at he beginning? With the guards who were moving the mirror? And she’s like “get out… GET OUUUUUTT!!!” and I’m like “give them a second, no need to be a dick about it), or how it felt like the dwarf story line was added at the last second.

    Here is a question though: Is this a “feminist” movie? She doesn’t marry the duke’s son at the end, or Chris Hemsworth (MISTAKE), and a queen by herself. She has a sword and kills the bad guy, the bad guy is actually a bad chick… there might be something here! Personally, I thought Stewart’s general lack of facial expression and mumbling bullshit attitude sapped any “feminist” qualities this movie might have had, but my lady friend felt differently. What do you (the internet) think?

    • I was glad she didn’t marry anyone. I saw it with my friend and her 9 year old step daughter, who was super butt-hurt that she didn’t marry the duke’s son at the end. I think they man hating caricature queen stopped it from being a feminist take, really, but I did appreciate that Snow White kicked some ass and led the army and seemed pretty confident and badass at the very end.

      • I’m also glad she didn’t end up with anyone in the end, but it raises the question: what exactly was the purpose of her childhood friend, then? I can’t think of one significant thing that he did. Does every plot with the hint of a romance need to throw in a third character now, just to make sure everyone is adequately tortured? Not that they spent any time developing a relationship between any two characters in this movie.

        • Yeah I had the same thought… why even include the childhood connection if they aren’t going to get hitched? Just to be like “oh yeah you think we’re gonna make them marry but we aren’t because this movie is COMPLEX” or something like that?

          It’s cool though, we got to see Chris Hemsworth talk with a weird accent, and that was enough.

  11. I didn’t see Snow White and the Huntsman, but I did get to see Moonrise Kingdom, which was very very Wes Anderson-y, but in the best possible way. There was the (SPOILER ALERT) risque 12-year-olds-in-their-underwear-getting-to-2nd-base/quasi-child porn scene which was a bit uncomfortable, but otherwise I loved everything about it.

    • I’m putting my foot down. NO-ONE TALK ABOUT MOONRISE KINGDOM UNTIL IT COMES OUT ON DVD! I live in a small town without a movie theater and I badly want to see it and I don’t want it spoiled. Are you listening, all of the internet? No talking about Moonrise Kingdom. So is it written and so shall it be.

    • That scene made me uncomfortable too!! And then I walked out into the lobby of the theater where I saw it and they had the kids’ costumes on display and they looked SO tiny that it made me feel even squickier. Very gross old man of Wes. That said, I loved everything else about the movie.

  12. I kind of left feeling like I hadn’t been totally ripped off, but that in 2 years if someone asks me about that movie I’ll have a hard time remembering if I saw it or not. My boyfriend, on the other hand, HATED IT, and can’t stop talking about how much he hated it.

    My main problem with it was that the apple trees were in bloom and bearing fruit at the same time which is just DUMB. My secondary problem is that if the queen could use ravens and just fly right to Snow White and poison her whenever she wanted to, why did she wait so fucking long to do it? And my tertiary problem is how they kind of switched the queen’s motivation from being a spurned lover to being a cursed beautiful girl halfway through the movie.

    Also when Thor is like “Are you still going to give me a hard time?” after she came back to life or whatever, I was just like “When did she give you a hard time? I don’t remember her talking to you at all!” Like I’m pretty sure they were just walking in silence for 45 minutes or maybe she gave him a hard time while I was taking a long pee. It’s impossible to tell.

    • I definitely took issue with the simultaneously blooming/fruiting apple tree as well. My boyfriend’s response when I brought this up was: “sshh, it’s a fairy tale!”. Maybe this is just their modern twist on apple trees in fairy tales.

      Your issues also reminded me – when they get a ride on the boats to the village of the boat-women, they do so via the most half-assed rowing possible, like they just sort of dip their oars halfway into the water on either side and the boat glides along at a good clip. As someone who has tried to row a boat before I can assure you ROWING A BOAT IS A LOT HARDER THAN THAT, ROWING LADIES

  13. What was up with Ravenna’s relationship with her brother? So creepy and incestuous

    • Although this movie had an bitchy blonde queen who seemed to have a creepy relationship with her also-blond brother, dwarfs, sword-wielding brunette girls, lots of running through woods, cavalry battles, castles, princess who are prophesized to rule peaceably because of some magic thing, cute boys with cute accents, and CGI mythical creatures, it was overall a lot more LAME OF THRONES than these qualities would lead one (me) to believe.

  14. Oh, and how the heck did she kill the queen? If “fairest blood” just meant that she had to be the one to do it, why was the queen alright when Snow White stabbed her a pile of times? And if her standing in the fire somehow made her able to die, and Snow White knows this because Tyler Durden knows this or whatever, then why did the queen stand around in the fire for absolutely no reason? I was hoping they would have Snow White sacrifice herself (“fairest blood”) in order to kill the queen and the duke’s son would rule the kingdom in her name or something, THAT would have been a twist!

    I really liked this movie at the time, but the more I ask questions the less I think I liked it! Ignorance is bliss, etc.

  15. I think casting Kristen Stewart as Snow White was just as good as casting Zooey Deschanel as Dorothy in the mini-series “Tin Man”.

    Enjoy unraveling what that actually means.

  16. SIDE BAR Y’ALL:

    I have been HEARING SOME shit things about PROMETHEUS. Nothing specific. Just lots of ANGRY INTERNET comments about how SHITTY it is. I’LL PROBABLY still go see it, but MAN, am I fuckin DISAPPOINTED.

    • it looks hella lame, guy

    • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • But people commenting this far in advance and hating it are probably lunatics. “Those helmets are the wrong kind, ergo this movie will blow,” or “That’s not how Zero G generators could ever work if I understand my quantum theory correctly and btw I do,” or “Trees don’t have apples and flowers at the same time, Movie,” etc. You know the type. The worst people.

      NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM LOVING PROMETHEUS.

      I HOPE.

      • Hotspur, I thought we were buds. Now you’re gonna call me out about the weird problem I had with a generally pretty bad but overall inoffensive and kind of fun movie? Sigh …

        But I think it is important to go into movies with an optimistic view, that no matter what weird horticultural issue presents itself, it will not interfere with your overall enjoyment of the movie. In fact, it may actually enhance your enjoyment of the movie because then you get to blow that one very specific horticultural anomaly (that was, I’m sure, intentional on the part of the movie makers to enhance whatever fantasy they were trying to create) way out of proportion for the purposes of making hilarious jokes with your friends!

        What I’m saying is, hotspur, that even if Prometheus has some problem that some people (maybe even you!) take particular issue with, it does not mean that the total movie experience is automatically ruined! There is still hope!

    • It’s out in the UK already, surprisingly. It’s not as bad as you’re hearing. BUT. It’s not great.

  17. I watched We Need To Talk About Kevin instead.
    It was very disturbing!

    • I also saw The 7 Year Itch and it was just as wonderful as I remembered it. Honestly, that is a perfect movie.

      Earlier last week, I saw How To Steal a Million, which is absolutely perfect. If you don’t know it… Mid 1960s art heist caper with madcap antics in Paris starring Peter O’Toole and Audrey Hepburn. Givenchy does the costuming. Highly recommend.

      • is this where we just talk about movies we saw? I watched that tinker tailor soldier fuck movie and it was hella lame and boring. predictable and way too gloomy and full of itself, very very serious but no “there” there

        • I respectfully disagree with your point of view, sir.

          Whatever flaws the movie had were shared by the book. It did a good job of capturing the paranoia and sorta omnipresent melancholy of the book, I thought, and it also managed to dramatize some stuff that could have been very, very dry. But you’re right in that both the movie and the book are very heavy on plot mechanics, which can make it seem like the characters are just there to play their roles, like they have no internal lives. The way I see it is that that was kinda the point, in both the movie and the book, because most of these people have had to give up so much of themselves to do their jobs that they no longer have any real, genuine moral center. They’re all spiritual cripples. I will grant you that, yes, that’s a pretty gloomy subject for a movie, but it was pretty much the best possible adaptation of the book and since I really liked the book, I really liked the movie too.

          • Agreed, Simon. Tinker, Tailor… was really great and I enjoyed it very much and I really want to read the book. The cast was fantastic (duh.) I saw it in the theater and after the movie was over this woman behind me said VERY LOUDLY, “Did anyone actually like this movie?” in a really bratty voice and I said, “I did,” loudly in response. The end. “Cool story, bro.”

        • I was in the mood for an old monster movie so I watched The Man From Planet X (1951). It was terrible and not in a fun way despite the massive Manhattan I made for myself. Thirty minutes in I decided my attention should be diverted to texting. The texting was enjoyable. Later I replayed the end of the movie with my full attention and it was even dumber than anything you can imagine.

          • That sounds like a challenge.

            Dumber than a cow born with fetal alcohol syndrome?
            Dumber than a bucket of nails made out of sponge in the middle of the desert?
            Dumber than trying to pick your nose with a crowbar?
            Dumber than Mark Wahlberg? And I didn’t even have to imagine him.

          • Imagine a movie about a mystery planet that is hurtling toward Earth and going to pass so close that it will be bigger than the moon in our sky, but only if you live in Scotland,and so science is able to cover it up so no one except a drunken farmer knows it ever happened. Also imagine this planet, without any kind of regular orbit around any kind of sun, is inhabited, and has sent one scout to decide whether to invade us or not on the close pass. Then imagine this alien meets three Earth people, two of whom are very nice but one of whom is an ambitious mathematician. And the mathematician strangles the alien, shouting, “I want all your superior knowledge! I’ll squeeze out every bit of it!” So the alien decides we should be exterminated. But luckily the army blows up his invulnerable spaceship with a bazooka before he can make his report.

            See you at Wahlburger, Spidey. I’ll have the Relatively Einstein With Cheese.

          • You win this round. That is surpassingly dumb.

            Ever see Doomsday? Your mention of Scotland reminded me of that. Another dumb movie, but fun-dumb.

    • Oh god, that film will mess you up! Didn’t sleep.

    • Oh man. That film. Thought Tilda Swinton’s performance was fantastic. As a film it was good, as a form of birth control it’s AMAZING.

  18. There once was a princess who really like a beautiful Queen. This was maybe a controversial opinion, but like, did you see the Queen in Young Adult? She’s got chops. Anyway, it was foretold unto our princess, by many among the web, that her queen would spin a tale with a handsome Hunstman with string jawline and some serious gym time. And so said the princess, “I will see this tale! I will look upon this Hunstman, whose shirt will surely be removed, and I will be satisfied.”

    And lo, the princess did see that tale. And as was foretold in the stories of Thor (And Cabin in the Woods) this Hunstman did have an excellent jawline, and a really nice smile, and his arms were rocking as shit man. But his shirt stayed on, throughout all the journey. The princess became frustrated sitting through this dumb tale to see a shirtless Hunstman when none was shown.

    And when finally, the Huntsman came to deliver a speech unto fair, dead Snow White, about how he loved her and was going to mack her corpse because she was like his dead wife, The princess did declare, “Alright, sure, whatever.” Because who cares about this stupid exposition if Snow wakes up and causes the Hunstman to remove his shirt for some time before the battle. But stupid Snow White did not wake up and go after the queen for like another 15 minutes.

    And then the movie came to an end, and the Hunstman never removed his cloak nor shirt, so the Princess had to google him when she got home.

    However not all was lost, because her queen was fucking batshit, right? Did you see that? Yeah, Queen Charlize, you chew that fucking scenery.

  19. I’ve been a little confused by the hype for this one. I think the biggest reason for its success is that there hasn’t been anything worth caring about in wide release since The Avengers. The Dictator? MIB 3? Dark Shadows? Very dire, and these are the best selections!

  20. I think I was most made about the part where she gives an inspirational speech and it is literally gibberish. I actually kind of thought at first that she was still confused from being in a coma, and that maybe she just needed a kind of a running start to get to the sense? But, nope!

    “Iron melts in the fire! And when I opened my eyes, I saw the brightest light I’d ever seen, and it was the same as the light that is in your hearts, and I will be the iron that is forged in the fire of your hearts. Who will be my brother!?!?”

    What? What are you actually talking about, Snow White?

    (All of which is to say, the problem with this movie is that it was very, very badly written, which is why no amount of switching out actors could have possibly saved it.)

    • No, booo! “Most mad”, not “most made.” Who am I, even, to go around criticising other people’s writing? Maybe that speech was just a comment that they wrote on a message board, and it went to film before they thought to edit it.

  21. The story I found in this movie was basically what I expected. . . the FEELING I got from this movie was not. I believed this would be a fun summer move, an action movie fairy tale with a twist, but the movie is bleak and depressing in a completely unexpected way. Yes, Snow White is pretty and sweet, she’s held captive, breaks free, she meets dwarves, she eats a poisoned apple, is resurrected by a lover’s kiss, and eventually defeats the evil sorceress. But there is a theme of hopelessness woven into the fabric of this movie. Every scene is tinged with foreboding – even the happy, colorful, enchanted forest scenes – beautiful though they may be. The spirit of all the main characters is one of sorrow and defeat – throughout. Even the ending is less than hopeful – and I agree that the look on Snow White’s face upon receiving the crown is wholly awkward and disturbing. Why does this movie have to be so flippin’ sad? We get that the evil queen is basically the shadow of death, and she is eating the youth, beauty, and life out of everything around her – including the land itself – but did that really need to translate into the entirety of the film as a whole? There is zero “fun” in this film. It is a lengthy, heavy tale about the loss of youth, time, and possibility. This movie forces you to consider some heavy life questions that really don’t belong in a retelling of Snow White – including one such question that does the movie itself disservice: “How much of my life am I wasting?” An intelligent mind starts to question why they sat through the whole thing. . . This is not a great movie, but it does make it’s point – a bleak and discouraging point – but a point nonetheless: Be careful what you WASTE for. By my standards; this is not a summer movie at all. I believe it would have been more appropriate to release this one in the fall. It’s much more “thriller-drama” than “action-fantasy”.

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