Donald Trump has jumped back on the birther train and kicked the conductor out through the engine room window to take command of this thing once and for all. FULL HAIR AHEAD! (Good joke about Donald Trump’s hair. Very fun and timely and fresh.) This is obviously a dead issue. Like, there was a weird moment where even though it was clearly a racist, uninformed, distracting fringe argument, it managed to get some actual attention and people pretended like it was a real thing for two seconds, but that time has passed, and now it’s just a ridiculous old man shouting from his gold-plated toilet. But amidst all of that pooping and shouting, Donald Trump did manage to play an exciting new variant on the “I’ve got a black friend” card. From ONTD:

Trump was [at the North Carolina Republican Convention] to discuss Mitt Romney‘s presidential chances and his treatment of the media, but the birth certificate issue, as always, came up. This time, he had a ready response to the claims that his motives are racist based.

“Somebody said, ‘Oh, because I brought up the birth certificate, I’m a racist. I said, ‘How can I be a racist, I just picked Arsenio Hall,” said Trump.

Would a racist allow the producers of his middling reality TV franchise tell him to pick a black person because they’ve conducted some market research and there’s a chance his winning the season will help the ratings of the finale and potentially extend the longevity of this exhausted warhorse? No way, Jose! (A racist would also never use the expression “no way, Jose.”) A racist would JUMP ACROSS THE BOARDROOM TABLE AND TRY TO KILL THE BLACK CONTESTANT! Not Donald Trump. He did not even strike Arsenio Hall with an open hand. The two of them said hello to each other one time when the cameras weren’t even rolling! What an incredible beacon of human love and tolerance. HE PICKED ARSENIO HALL! That ought to put an end to this rampant speculation that somehow Donald Trump is a racist just because he keeps doing racist things. HE PICKED ARSENIO HALL, OKKK?! The United Colors of Trumpetton. The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards Sunday nights on NBC at 9PM EST.

Comments (52)
  1. Speaking of this, why haven’t we had a post on Jason Alexander’s apology for calling cricket gay? I mean, I don’t know if it’s really something he has to apologize for that much? I mean, cricket is mind-numbingly boring, but just casually calling it gay is a PRETTY MILD SENTIMENT. Especially since, like cricket, being gay IS boring, in the same way that being straight is boring. So my case is rested on that issue.

    But then his apology! Actual quote:

    ” ‘My daily life is filled with gay men and women, both socially and professionally.’ ”

    FILLED! I’ll bet he had to get a bigger wallet just to fit all of their pictures in it!

    • I think the issue is that cricket identifies as pansexual, and it was really not cool of Jason Alexander to try and force it to conform to his binarist views of sexuality and gender.

    • I didn’t know about that, so I looked it up and I saw his tupée and I think it’s probably causing many who may be offended to feel vindicated in advance.

    • His response reminds me of the Simpsons episode where the authors were all taking questions:

      Moe: “Maya Angelou is black?”

    • I was watching Ferguson that night and I immediately thought he was going to get into hot water for those comments. The rest of his apology is pretty articulate though, honestly. He or at least his publicist have a good understanding of why people were upset. Why do people always have to pull the, “I’m not racist/homophobic/misogynistic because I have friends who are black/gay/women!” card in their apologies? Just apologize?

      • I watched that too and spent a good piece of time afterwards wondering why on earth he would say that as such. You can even see Ferguson’s obvious discomfort at the choice of terms because he knows what is about to unfold.

        But that letter was very good. That he went into detail as to why and how he was wrong made up for the “some of my closest friends are gay” b.s.

        I’m curious as to how Craig will address this — or if he will — during the monologue. I’m sure he’ll make a joke about how the only people not upset were cricket players.

        • Yes! Craig seemed eager to get on with it and Jason kept on keeping on. But yeah, the apology was well done indeed.

          I will be eagerly awaiting tonight’s monologue (which I will watch tomorrow morning because “in my area” the Late Late Show airs at 1 FREAKING 30 in the morning, so I DVR it) to see if he says anything.

  2. As soon as I started reading the beginning of his quote I was like, “No. Nooooo, don’t say it. Don’t you say ti. Don’t you dare say– OOOOH! He said it. What a dick!”

  3. Of course Donald Trump is not racist. He is the annoying orange! He is more persecuted than anyone*!

    *this may not be true.

  4. Talking about Donald Trump and Arsenio Hall should make you sound like an old-timer reminiscing about the ’90s. Nothing makes sense anymore.

  5. Where’s my mad men re-cap at?

  6. “i’m not racist. i just rewarded a black guy for doing a ton of free work for me. i was surprised to find that he is actually pretty intelligent.”

  7. I’d rather have Donald Trump be a racist than force the American public to keep talking about Arsenio Fucking Hall.

  8. But Donald, unlike Obama, I have proof that Arsenio is not from America….

  9. I would like to see Arsenio Hall’s birth certificate.

  10. Scott Baio, get that man a wallet. Stat!

  11. I heard Adam Carolla talking about the why Arsenio won Apprentice he says Arsenio has a deal with NBC for a new show. Trump is probably secretly racist but the birther crap is just him trying to win the election on a technicality.

  12. “I’ve never been punched!” -Donald Trump

  13. next season on Celebrity Apprentice: Justin Guarini, Willy Ames, one of the women from Real Housewives, Paula Abdul, and Denis Franz go to Hawaii and try to find a birth certificate.

  14. “I’m not racist, just crazy.” – Donald Trump

    “Whew!” – the world

  15. I just noticed something weird about that picture: of the two people in that, the guy who was making the really punchable face was NOT Donald Trump.

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