Hey, we all love movies! We love going to movies, we love watching movies on our telephones, we love seeing movies we didn’t even ever want to see if it’s showing for free on an airplane because for some reason being up in the sky for hours makes every movie seem highly watchable. Movies! Talk about them with your friends. Share your favorite quotes. YOU. QUOTE. MY. MOVIESHAKE. And if you’re really into a movie, sometimes it’s fun to re-enact it. Just pick your favorite scene from any movie and perform a variation on it that will definitely make sense to anyone who’s ever seen the movie. They’ll think you’re so funny and clever. This situation is just like that scene. How contextually appropriate. And most importantly: fun! Like, for example, if you’re a school teacher, start slapping a child in the face and then be like “Bridesmaids!” She’ll know. Everyone will know. That movie was very popular, and your re-enactment is absolutely perfect. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … 9th grade Malibu High School student Dionne Evans went to cops in the last few days, claiming her teacher slapped her 6 times in the face because Dionne didn’t bring her notebook to school on May 22, as the teacher had required.

According to the police report, the teacher made Evans stand in front of the class — then asked, “Did you see ‘Bridesmaids’?” before slapping her multiple times.

The teacher was referring to the scene in which one character literally tries to slap some sense into another.

OH SURE, WHO COULD NOT REMEMBER THAT DELIGHTFUL SCENE FROM THE HIT FILM BRIDSESMAIDS?! When the little girl went to the cops and told them what happened they were probably just like, Well? Did you? Because if you had seen Bridesmaids, you would TOTALLY get it. Your teacher was clearly referencing the part in the movie where an adult in a position of power humiliated and physically abused a child who had been placed under her guidance because of some fucking notebook. I was about to make a joke about how the appropriate response would have been for the student to have diarrhea on the teacher’s desk, but the thing is that actually kind of makes sense, whereas the teacher hitting the student in front of the class is just awful. So I didn’t make the joke! Because it would have seemed in some small way to have justified or legitimized what the teacher did. No way, Jose. The judge should recreate that scene from Happy Gilmore where he throws a teacher in jail.

Comments (23)
  1. This is horrifying, but possibly less so than the first thought that popped into my head when I read the headline, i.e., I was actually glad to hear that the teacher did not have explosive diarrhea on a child’s face.

  2. That’s funny, I had a similar (though of course not as terrible) experience in fifth grade! I forgot to bring my notebook to class and my teacher told everybody I had a mental problem. I wonder what movie that was from?

    • Full Metal Jacket? (also oooof that is terrible)

      • I had a teacher (a substitute) in 3rd grade laugh and tell me an art project I was working on was terrible in front of the class. It consisted of cutting construction paper into strips and weaving them together to make a place mat. Who says that to a kid? Someone who never imagined that 30 years later the internet would exist and I’d post about what a bitch she was to me.

        Wow, that was cathartic!

        • I stand by my previous claim that your “art” project was terrible. You didn’t cut the construction paper into strips. You found directions for how to make a place mat in a crafting magazine and you cut out the picture of the finished mat. Then you glued the picture to construction paper and tried to convince me you made it yourself. It was like five inches long and not even square.

          • :-)

            I’m not saying the “everyone gets a trophy for participating” world we have now is ideal, but I’m glad we’re past the “insult kids at will” phase of education that seemed to be popular in the late 1970s.

            And if you’re 30 years older than you were then, Zayin, I could whip you now!

    • My fourth grade teacher kicked my desk over because i couldn’t find something fast enough for her.

  3. “Did you see ‘Taken’?” – Krispy Kreme, in a rap, to everyone.

  4. this brings back very bad memories from the time my girlfriend asked if I’d seen Dumb and Dumber.

  5. If I was that kid’s mom you’d have to restrain me from slapping that teacher in the face, but then I’d be hauled off to jail. Might be worth it.

  6. I wonder if the kid sitting next to her got so scared she recreated a scene from Billy Madison.

  7. Back in my day, teachers used to do the same thing, but the reference was Airplane! Maybe it would have gone over better if the teacher had said she was going all Tyrion vs. Joffrey on the kid.

    • I grew up in Milwaukee, which also spawned the people behind Airplane! and I’m pretty sure if this happened at my school and that delightful movie was cited, the teacher would have been lauded.

      Or parents would sue the shit out of them.

      Either or, really.

  8. Oh Bridesmaids. Is there anything you can’t do?

  9. Why is TMZ reporting this? Oh right, Malibu. Ugh this country. Ugh x infinity.

  10. I’ve had a couple teachers recreate a scene from Ferris Bueller in my day.

  11. all my students have seen Saw 1-4

  12. I just think that sometimes when one is surrounded by kids all day, she begins to behave like a child. Like believing that it will be really cool to re-enact a violent scene from a movie with a child as the victim. In this case, prior to the sentencing, I think that the appropriate thing to do here is to let each child from the class get in one slap across the face piece, with the final slaps (twice the original #) coming from the victim. The entire proceeding should be filmed via camera phone and uploaded to the YouTube. Justice.

    Also, this might start a “teacher slapping” phenomenon and further help society weed out the impulsive before they become adults and have the chance to re-enact violent movie scenes in inappropriate contexts.

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