So here’s a question. What do you do when you need money? Well, ok, let me maybe explain the scenario a little further. So, you have no money. Ok? And you want to buy things like gas and a necklace and cigarettes, etc., just like the normal stuff that you buy. And then let’s say you see a child selling Girl Scout cookies a table with her mom who is NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION, and there’s an envelope next to her and that envelope, presumably, has money in it. What do you do? What do you do, all you Hannahs out there? Hannah from Girls? Because of how she doesn’t have any money? And keeps quitting all of her jobs? Well that question was posed to two very sad nightmares young ladies and they, LIKE EVERYONE WOULD, had a pretty hard time discerning what the right course of action would be here. Do you take the money and run away? Do you go home, print out a fake $200 bill, buy a box of cookies, and ask for change? Do you hire someone to steal the money FOR you and then give them a cut? Or like? What? What do you do?

You have to admit, though, that it IS kind of bullshit that they didn’t get to keep the money. They’re being charged anyway! And really if you think about it, like, if you murder someone, not that I’m saying you should murder someone but just as an example, if you murder someone and you get caught they don’t, like, bring that person back to life, right? Like, you GET to have them stay murdered. Soooo. That is kinda bullshit about how they didn’t get to keep the money. She was going to buy a necklace. (Thanks for the tip, Michael.)

Comments (75)
  1. They should have at least kept the money so they could go get lobotomies.

  2. I would’ve stolen the cookies.

    • You really can’t put a price on Thin Mints.

      • Seriously. I know I’m grinding this axe pretty hard down below, but Samoas are so good you shouldn’t even be able to trade money for them. You should have to volunteer to carry shit for the Girl Scouts, or drive them to the Jamboree, or whatever it is they need done.

        “Mow your lawn, do your homework? Please, just give me some of those cookies.”

    • Is it wrong that, had the cookies been stolen, I would have been a lot more understanding. I mean, stealing from children is not cool, but neither is keeping thin mints off the market for most of the year.

  3. More like CROOKies, amirite, you guys? Guys?

    Okay, I’ll leave.

  4. They stole some money and then they stole Samoa.

  5. To be fair, Starbucks is very expensive.

    This is Florida, for sure.

    • My thoughts exactly, cubicle. This MUST be my home state of FLA. Another sign that it’s probably Florida: all the dummies here say they “got charges.” You were CHARGED, ok? You didn’t “get charges.” You were charged because YOU committed a crime. You weren’t just randomly “given charges” by the mean old policeman and stupid judge.

      Also, they shoulda gotta keep the money.

  6. I’m starting to get the fear.

  7. In my defense, I was just trying to help that Girl Scout earn her Paying Attention badge. It’s not my fault that she failed.

  8. Money is money? Okay Cersei Lannister, we get it!

    • Why didn’t she have the King’s Justice in the back seat ready to cut her head off in case they were caught?

      Commoners really show their quality, am I right?

    • Everyone has to make up their mind if money is money or money isn’t money and sooner or later they always do decide that money is money.
      -Gertrude Stein

  9. In all seriousness, their demeanor kind of creeps me out – how they have no shame or remorse at all. It kinda reminds me of movies in which a serial killer is doing his thing very casually, like it’s just a normal part of his routine.

    Those girls are going to grow up to (still) be enormous monsters.

  10. Yep, can’t sit through more than a minute of that fucking abomination.

    What the fuck is wrong with you, with your awful hair color and your no humanity?

    You see an envelope full of money next to a girl scout, so there must be some Samoas nearby, and you don’t even THINK that maybe there are some things SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than money?

  11. I am going to be a hypocrite in view of prior statements not wanting to judge children because of whatever dumb reasons I had then because oh jesus these kids are total assholes. If there were pearls, they would be clutched. Do they not understand anything? Clearly they don’t get that one reason crime does not pay* is that you DON’T GET TO KEEP THAT SHIT WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT. Oh god is there a vodka dispenser somewhere? We need it.

    *I realize crime can pay, but I don’t think these girls are at that level. I don’t think they will ever be at that level. They appear to be stupider than a box of particularly dumb hammers, and half as charming.

    • Sadly, a vodka dispenser would be used and abused by idiots like this and quickly outlawed so those of us WHO NEED IT FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES would never get a chance to see its functionality used as intended.

      Assholes.

    • Sincerely, thank you for being my favorite commenter, because this so much. Just yesterday I was making a muddled and ridiculous almost argument about children featured videos and blah, but between this and ‘no homos gonna make it to heaven’ or whatever, I take it back! The world is assholes down to infants.

  12. Those heartless cops didn’t even let them keep the money? Now they’ve got charges AND they can’t keep the money they rightfully stole? This world sickens me.

  13. Wait, domestic battery?!?! So apparently, stealing money from a child is NOT the worst thing terrible redhead has ever done?
    The world is terrible. Let’s burn it down.

  14. come on people, this happened in 2008. Let’s forgive this girls since our country, especially Florida, have really made strides in combating the plague of Bush era consumerism…

  15. when will local TV stations learn? you can’t appeal to the logic of sociopaths.

  16. I’ve concluded that these two are just broken robots.

  17. I think Larry Clark just found his new leading ladies.

  18. I hope ‘talking super casually about crimes you just committed’, becomes a thing.

  19. Pretty sure that’s Robin Scherbatsky interviewing them.

  20. Oh hey! She’s in Florida!

  21. Maybe it’s just me, but I have the feeling that this is not the most unforgettable thing that these ladies have done for “easy” money.

  22. Started the day off with two adorable girls singing Robyn.
    Ended the day with two heartless girls Robbin girl scouts.
    Circle of Life.
    Classic Internet.

  23. I’m so torn between wanting to knock their heads together or going to get a Frappuccino.

  24. 2 life sentences in solitary please ( for myself).

  25. Everyone seems to be forgetting that the Girl Scouts are an insidious, subversive communist institution. These girls are brave heroes for undermining the actions of who I believe to be the most radical cookie brokers in the history of America.

  26. I guess if someone is going to be an unrepentant sociopath, it’s probably better that they are also as dumb as dumb can possibly be.

  27. I hope that if I ever have cause to be that pixellated, it will be that flattering.

  28. Was that second girl Heidi Montag?

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