After the jump, I have posted a low-quality cellphone video of a very little child dressed in a sweater vest and standing on stage at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle church in Greensburg, IN, reciting some kind of original composition song/poem that ends with the line “I know the bible’s right, somebody’s wrong, ain’t no homos gonna make it to heaven.” Good song/poem! You know it’s a good song/poem because as soon as he’s finished singing it, he gets a STANDING OVATION. Oh, the adults are just so impressed their terrible little piece of shit. It is just rapturous. This kid is the fucking Beatles to these garbage adults. Now, let’s remember something: it’s 2009, OK? And that goes both ways. What I mean is that on the one hand, you feel like it’s mildly shocking to witness such overt and proudly hateful bigotry, and on the other hand, we should no longer be shocked by displays of overt and proudly hateful bigotry. I mean, at this point what do we expect? Although there are a few things that are kind of “interesting” about this. For one thing, it’s not even talking about the gay marriage debate, which does seem to be the touchstone equality issue at the moment, right? I didn’t know we were still talking about HEAVEN. That’s very intense, and actually a little surprising. I mean, heaven doesn’t exist, but that FACT aside, I thought the people who believed in heaven were in agreement that those people who made lifestyle choices on Earth that would deny them entry were to be pitied and every attempt was supposed to be made to get them in there, because heaven is the best and there’s room enough for everybody as long as you just clap your hands loud enough and believe. You were supposed to pray for people, not applaud their eternal damnation. No? Am I the one who’s being weird on this? Do you see what I’m saying? We are talking about SHIT THAT HAPPENS AFTER EVERYONE IS DEAD, and there is a STANDING OVATION when a little boy implies that millions upon millions of human beings are going to end up in the only clear alternative for someone who ain’t gonna make it to heaven: hell. APPLAUSE BREAK! It’s one thing for people to think that two people who love each other shouldn’t be allowed to get married because marriage is reserved for the sanctity of one man reality show contestant and one woman reality show contestant. Those people are so wrong it’s physically painful, BUT, that’s at least a tangible, empirically demonstrable thing. Their hatred has an actual target, which is those two seemingly nice gentlemen holding hands and eating gelato. But here we are just straight up cheering because when everything is said and done and we have all used up the very limited time that we have on this Earth, THEN THE HOMOS WILL LEARN THE ULTIMATE LESSON AND THANK GOODNESS NOW LET’S ALL HAVE SOME MEATLOAF. Hold on, let’s actually watch the video:

Guuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh. Here’s a genuine question: what are these guys so scared of? Again, let’s set aside the gay marriage thing. There is no counter-argument to equality,there just isn’t, but I’m willing to play devil’s advocate insofar as imagining a person who genuinely believes that somehow legalizing gay marriage threatens the foundations of their experience of the world. That’s not true and it’s a boring game of devil’s advocate we are playing, but just bear with me. Here, though, the fear is even more deeply-rooted. It is one’s simple existence that is threatening. Why? Because of how all the non-gays are going to get ass-raped by the gays if we’re not careful? I mean, that is true. That is bullet point #4 in the Gay Agenda. (Download a PDF of the Gay Agenda on Tumblr.) But it can’t JUST be the mandatory ass-rape everyone is going to receive from the openly gay soldiers serving in the military. There has to be something more to it. And this might be a tired or boring question not unlike “Who built stonehenge?” or “Why is the sky gay?” but that doesn’t make it not worth asking again (and again and again): what is the fear?

Either way, what a bunch of fucking assholes. I know “God didn’t make no junk” but it kind of seems like he came close with the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle church in Greensburg, IN. (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)

Comments (48)
  1. Well, I mean, he’s right. Ain’t no homos gonna make it to heaven. Of course, he’s only right on a technicality, because NOBODY is going to make it to the magical land where everything is perfect, because it doesn’t really exist. But still, that counts! One point to this kid.

  2. UGH. OOF. BLEH.

  3. Stick to the written page, Burpo.

  4. I wonder what Gary Busey has to say about this.

  5. I think that Jay Smooth (actually talking about how for the first time, white babies were not the majority born) has points salient to this issue:

    If you’re interested, give it a gander! If not, um. I don’t have much here for you, I am afraid.

    • That was really good. I honestly don’t understand what people are so afraid of or what they’re hoping the alternative will be. Giant underground colonies where all the people of color, minorities, gay people, women, people with disabilities and progressives live? If we hollowed out that much of the globe the entire planet would collapse.

      • I don’t remember where I heard/read it (even split on whether it was on a podcast, a tv show, or an an internet thingie), but a comedian made a joke/point about white people (or Christians, maybe?) freaking out about becoming a minority, and then he rhetorically asked “why would that be a bad thing? Are minorities not treated fairly or something?”

        Pretty funny. Solid point. Good joke.

  6. Kids say the damnationest things.

  7. to be fair, there isn’t anybody in heaven.

  8. Aw man. I really wish this was funny. Instead I just find it profoundly sad.

  9. It’s never occurred to me before, but now I’m terrified that there will be no gelato in hell. I mean, how could there be?

    I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, I guess.

  10. My favourite part of this is the part where the budding poet’s buddy runs up the aisle for high fives. Because OF COURSE you get high fives after standing on stage next to the guy who sings the Ain’t No Homos Gonna Make It To Heaven song. What else would you do? I’m surprised the singer didn’t immediately drop the mike and walk off like a boss.

  11. Also, I guarantee at least 3 of the people appauding the loudest are gay.

    • This is what always gets me about the “sexuality is a choice” crowd. When someone says it’s a choice, aren’t they kind of admitting, “I have a lot of gay thoughts, tons of them, all the time, every minute (I’m thinking gay thoughts right now!) but you don’t see ME acting on it, do you? DO YOU?” I mean, right? Otherwise where do they get the idea it’s a choice?

  12. I feel bad for this kid, because who knows what’s gonna happen to him in the future? As an example, let’s say that it’s 2032 and he’s applying for some job (as a space-insurance actuary, perhaps?)

    Prospective employer: So are you the Ain’t No Homos kid?
    Prospective employee: Yes, I was in that video, but I was four and I’ve grown up since then.
    PEmper: Don’t call us, we’ll call you?
    PEmpee: I was four!!!

    • MORE likely CONVO:

      Prospective employer: So tell me, HOW do you think you’d FIT in here?
      PEempee: IMMA racist, HOMOPHOBIC ass’ole!

    • “I was four!!!” is something I say regularly. That was a rough year for dj.

      What on earth did I think I was going to get out of that Pound Puppy by ripping it open? Gold? Candy? Oh Pound Puppy, I treated you so horrendously will you ever forgive me (in heaven?)

    • I feel bad for this kid because he has no role model in his life to educate him on tolerance, understanding, and the necessity of equality for all. He has no shot and right now that is not his fault. In a few years, when he is able to seek out his own information and form his own opinions it will be his fault, but right now, he’s being influenced by the wrong people and he had no choice in that. A child relies upon adults to guide them and he is being guided down the wrong path. Hopefully he can right the ship later in life.

      • i agree… i work with a guy who is a hardcore religious type who thinks gays are evil and premarital sex is the devils whammy and masturbation is for sinners. It’s completely entertaining to see everyone at work make in fun of him and talk about he’s a sexually repressed puppet of his religious nut pastor father and stepford mother (his parents visited him at work once). I feel sorry for people who live with such a rigid and unforgiving mindset like that, “Gays go to Hell, that’s why their called fags because they make great kindling for hell fire.” Like i can tell that he kind of believes this but at the same time it’s obviously not his own fully formed opinion but his parents. I don’t know, when i just see hate like that so ingrained in people and they never second guess it, it just makes me sad.

  13. The Bible’s rules on gluttony seem a little less celebrated in this church.

  14. I’m just gonna stop you at “I know the Bible’s right.”

  15. Ugh, mouthbreathers…. but, gelato! Great idea. I’m going to go get some gelato. RAINBOW GELATO.

  16. Not to be all Johnny Grammar Police over here, but I DID go to college, so I think I can recognize a double-negative when I hear one… It’s all quite subversive, really; the congregation is cheering the fact that all homos will, in fact, be going to heaven.
    BOOM. Where’s my red square of grammar protest?

  17. I haven’t watched the video because NO THANKS but was it shot in 2009 or something or is Gabe a time-traveller?

  18. Ugh, these people. If there is a god, she hates your religion, and thinks you’re an asshole. (Don’t worry, there isn’t.)

  19. I love Gabe. You know that? I fucking love him for stuff like this!!

    And I’ll be glad to skip out on the whole heaven thing in order to love him!

  20. Every time I doubt the existence of God, I think back to things like this and am comforted that we are not alone in this universe.

    Nothing short of a deity could convince this many people to follow such petty, illogical and assholish rules.

  21. These are exactly the kind of shitty kids that Louis C.K. goes on about in his infamous rant about marriage equality.

  22. The hilarious (not really hilarious) thing is that the construct of Heaven was created by men to keep people (subordinates) in line by instilling in everyone the overriding fear that bad behavior would lead to eternal damnation and good behavior would be rewarded with Heaven. (Also…it kept the poor in line by saying that the kingdom and riches would be theirs later for eternity, so don’t rise up against your abject poverty now.)

    Now, for some reason this got all mucked up, and bad behavior is constantly used by people who throw Heaven in all of our faces. These are also the same people that don’t see any resemblances between the basic premises and stories of the religions of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. But whatever, they’re the smart ones.

    So yes, I’m sure God is looking down on all of us from his cloud throne and clapping wildly and cheering on this congregation. Only he’s clapping to cue the next flood to wipe this shit out because human beings are garbage and treat each other horribly and he needs to start over. (You know that’s what would happen, if I didn’t believe in evolution.)

  23. This is about 10 miles from where I went to high school/the best days of my life -_-

  24. Move over, “Mean Old Jews Killed my Jesus.” There’s a new sheriff in town.

  25. My favorite part is that the Bible quote they cite at the end to prove this whole “no homos in heaven” point just says that the EFFEMINATE will not be allowed in heaven. So, to be clear:
    - Femmes, Playboy bunnies, queens, Nathan Lane, Marilyn Monroe = shit out of luck
    - Butch women, Doms, Bears, Michelle Rodriguez, Rock Hudson = in it to win it

  26. I think that he was just misusing the equally provocative hip-hop “no homo” reference. Like, “No homo, but I love Jesus.”

    Seriously guys, grow up a little.

  27. This kid and the “Livin For The City” guy (you all know the one) should duet together! #goodideas

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