I was looking at a subway poster for Men in Black 3 the other day, which is about as close as I’ve gotten to actually seeing the movie at this point, and I noticed something kind of weird. The poster featured Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones wearing their suits and their sunglasses, NATURALLY, and holding up their memory eraser chapstick or whatever, against a mottled gray backdrop. Sure. But then when you looked closer you saw that the mottled gray blackdrop was actually the initials “MIB3″ repeated over and over against in grey type against a black background. Here’s why that’s weird: “MIB3″ isn’t a thing. I mean, it is now. Congratulations to everyone involved and congratulations to the troops. Memorial Day 2012. But there was this weird insistence throughout the marketing campaign that we were all just on board with this thing, that it was both inevitable and wonderful, and that America was, like, sighing this great big sigh of relief that we finally got to reunite with our old friends. Obviously, the original Men in Black movies were hugely successful, but that was 100 years ago. You’re more than welcome to revisit the franchise if you want, but don’t just act like it’s automatically trending worldwide on Twitter. Kids these days do not care about Tommy Lee Jones vehicles (or Josh Brolin for that matter, and even Will Smith is becoming a bit of a stretch). As far as I’m concerned you’re going to have to sell this movie just as hard as everyone else is selling their movies, which I think is part of the reason why the movie, while still the #1 movie in America, didn’t actually smash the box office. It was a little insulting! They didn’t even try to make the movie look appealing or fun or interesting. They just lazily printed “MIB3″ against a black backdrop, like, “I know, right?” But we don’t know. What is that? That’s not a thing. Did you guys even see this movie this weekend or are you, like me, waiting to see it on an airplane someday just as soon as you save enough money to buy a ticket on an airplane? “One adult for the airplane, please.” Men in Black 3. Pffft. Puh-lease. I’d rather see that movie about the old people at the hotel. Hotel for Old People. I’m pretty sure Dame Judi Dench and Tommy Lee Jones are the same age anyways. (They aren’t. But you get it.) When I think of Men in Black 3 I just picture two middle aged men making cartoon faces on some kind of waterslide. Old Dogs + Mars Needs Moms + Hot Tub Time Machine = This Movie.

Comments (57)
  1. I don’t care at all about this movie, I’m just trying to guess whose celebrity beach body that is in the celebuzz ad on the right panel. I think it’s Dame Judi Dench or it could be Tommy Lee Jones. Anyone know?

  2. If you told me I had to see either this or The Chernobyl Princess Diaries, I would be very excited to see this.

  3. I am also not excited for this movie and I blame this on the fact that Will Smith outsourced the official movie rap song to Pitbull this time around. How am I supposed to be excited about a movie without Will Smith rapping the plot of said movie over a sample ripped from a popular song from the 70′s?

  4. Wait, is Hotel for Old People a reference to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, or Hope Springs? Or does it not even matter at this point? Fuck it, back to celebrity beach bods.

  5. Can we talk about that Hatfields and McCoys miniseries on The History Channel instead? I was pretty excited about it because hillbilly blood feuds are inherently interesting, but good grief that was turgid. Turgid, I say!

  6. My review for MIB 3: It’s mad hot!

  7. This isn’t about MIB3 just movies in general.

    I finally saw The Avengers this weekend (jealous?) and it was the worst experience! I guess the movie was good but honestly, I was so distracted by how many kids (ages 2-7maybe) (there were kids older than that but the younger kids in the theater is what we’re talking about) who had NO BUSINESS being there because (a) the movie is PG-13 and kinda violent and (b) they were SO LOUD the whole time and (c) their parents are just awful because they were too selfish to shut the kids up or take them out of the theater or, hey, maybe not bring them to the movie in the first place because it’s not really a little kids’ movie.

    Is this just what it’s like to go to the movies now? Do you guys have these same experiences and reaction to them? Is this why box office numbers are generally down? Do we all agree that it’s bad parenting because kids will be kids and man when I was that age my parents only had to tell me to be quiet ONCE because if I didn’t there would be SERIOUS consequences?

    • Oh, man. I went to see the Avengers yesterday and every time a character said a one-liner, the guy sitting behind me would repeat the line out loud (AN ADULT! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?) and then start chuckling. Good movie, though.

      • When I saw X-Men in the theaters years ago, I was lucky enough to sit next to a guy who looked like Freddie Mercury and was wearing a Pizza Hut jacket. He was there with a girl that I am assuming was his girlfriend.

        Throughout the movie he felt the need to “narrate” the film to his girlfriend. “That’s Wolverine. His claws are super sharp!” Or, ” That’s Cyclops. He shoots lasers out of his eyes. He’s really cool.” This went on for most of the film until, during the moment where Mystique takes Cyclops glasses, he jumped up and yelled, “UH OH CYCLOPS! YOU LOST YOUR GLASSES. YOU’RE A DEEEAAAAADDD MAN!!!!!!!!”

        I feel like the movie was better because of his contributions.

    • I wouldn’t know if this is what movies are like these days, because I’ve been to very, very few movies in the past two years. Because I have a kid, and I am NOT a dick.

    • My favorite inappropriate child at a theater story:

      Last year before the Oscars I went to see 127 Hours (the one with James Franco removing his arm (which you probably know but it is pertinent to the story at hand)), and in the front row was a woman with a toddler/young child. They walked out, but only AFTER the amputation scene, but before the uplifting “he didn’t die” scene. I can only imagine the lesson learned (“And that’s why you always leave a note”?) Greatest parenting, right there.

      • When I saw Girl With a Dragon Tattoo, there was a lady there with two very young children (one was definitely 5 or under). They eventually walked out after the SECOND horrifying rape scene.

        • Oh gosh!!!!! That’s ridiculous and horrifying! It always pisses me off when people think, “Oh they’re too young, they don’t even know what’s going on!” Like, seriously? They may not understand exactly what’s going on, sure, but doesn’t that make it worse? They have all these horrifying images displayed in front of them and no way to make sense of them. Don’t they remember being children and how long certain images and feelings linger in your memory? I had a nightmare with some really strange images when I was about 3 and I can STILL REMEMBER THEM. People these days. Get out of my movie theater and also off my lawn!

          • I realize no one will read this, late to the party, but… when I saw Godzilla in an empty theater, a woman came in and sat in the chair RIGHT NEXT TO ME and proceeded to breastfeed an infant.

            Duh, I moved. I’m no prude about breastfeeding, but come on! It’s common knowledge to leave a courtesy “buffer” seat if the space allows for it, right? but ESPECIALLY if you are going to feed your baby milk from your boob while watching a giant lizard for some reason.

            Someone please read this.

          • I read this! And I am FOR your decision to move away!

    • What upsets me more is when they bring the kids to like the 10pm show. Can we designate the late night shows for ADULTS only? Seriously, move that kids shit to the daytime.

      • San Francisco’s Kabuki theatre has 21+ showings of movies (because they serve and you can bring in cocktails), all through the day! It is bliss.

        • I also say this as someone who generally does not mind kids next to them during big movies, but I agree that sometimes stuff is just not appropriate (kids at The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo?! Seriously?!?!)! The child who sat next to me during the opening day of Thor is one of the most perfect humans I have ever met. My favourite of his exclamations; “Loki! You can’t use that! That’s THOR’S hammer!”

      • I still remember catching the 11:15p showing of the original Scary Movie at this pretty ghetto movie theater when it first came out. It isn’t too shocking nowadays, but back in 2000 that movie pushed the envelop on gross-out comedy WAY beyond anything I’d ever seen before that. Needless to say, it carried a hard R-rating. Anyway, the theater was packed and but there was a woman right in front of us who brought her had 6 kids with her, and the oldest of which I’d say might have been 8 years old, which I found even more appalling than the movie which featured someone getting a penis stabbed through their brain after putting their ear up to a glory hole.

    • Went to see Cowboys and Aliens last year, and there was a family in there with some pretty young kids. They kept going in and out of the theater which was not as distracting as the constant crunching of something under their feet (can you wait until after the movie to break down your popcorn bag?)

      At one point they became aware that their family was annoying, so they tried to move away from one group of people and started coming to sit near us. I told them to go back to their seat because we didn’t want to be any more distracted by their noise. They listened, but he tried to explain that they were moving so they wouldn’t distract the audience members they were sitting by. Ok, so you come to annoy a new group of people? Ugh.

      Now, I don’t actually want the child to suffer, but I hope those aliens scared him enough that he kept his parents awake all night.

  8. Men in Black 3?! Are you serious? I guess they waited 10 years so they could wipe the memory of everyone who saw Men in Black 2.

  9. I don’t really get the animosity towards this movie. I always enjoyed the first one, and the sequel wasn’t as good, but I’ve heard good things about this installment. It’s not going to be the greatest movie ever made, but it’s not the worst sequel idea they could have had. It’s got the original cast, and it didn’t go straight to DVD, so it’s already better than a lot of sequels.

    • Wasn’t Gabe (and NYC in general) put out by Will Smith’s triple-decker trailer full of pollution that was blocking people’s views out their windows on the third floors of buildings and such? Maybe that was the impetus right there to shit on MIB3, a film one could make an educated guess is just rehashing a tired sequel movie formula?

      It’s like when my Dad was in the Navy, stationed on the Air Craft Carrier on which they were filming scenes from Top Gun. My dad hates Tom Cruise (probably unfairly) to this day because of that experience, because Cruise wouldn’t say hello to any enlisted personnel, let alone sign autographs or anything, and he had more guards and assistants around him than the commanding officer or the XO of the ship. (Also, my dad doesn’t actively hate Tom Cruise, and has seen some of Tom Cruise’s movies since then, but for a good 15+ years he was pretty adamant about how much he abhorred Cruise’s attitude on the ship)

  10. It exists?

  11. I love time travel movies, but I still don’t want to see this.

  12. I saw this and not ‘Marvel Avengers Assemble’ (it’s called being an individual) and it was not good or particularly bad, but I think the poster is fair enough? It’s a fair representation of the movie. Having seen it, I cant really add anything to what the poster says. It is ‘Men in Black 3′ and Josh Brolin is in it now.

    Although the kids may not remember the classic original MiB movies and songs, the old people hotel movie is proof that there is an older audience out there of people who *do* remember them when they were things.

  13. “Uh, it was good.” -my mom
    There you have it, folks! The hesitant endorsement of my mother! Go buy your tickets! There is sure to be a line!

    But in all seriousness, I enjoyed the first movie, the second was pretty terrible, and I will probably eventually get around to seeing this one. I have no strong feelings about it one way or the other!

  14. It seriously bugs me when movie and TV studios think a Twitter trend is going to make a difference. Fix the Neilsens, jerks… Then I will consider the hashtag you put on the screen. You can’t encourage viral marketing — fake Jack and Jill taught us that.

  15. I saw this movie! It was pretty good, I guess. If you were wondering that the creators of this film couldn’t still lean heavily on “fish out of water” humor despite the fact that it’s been 14 years since the first movie, don’t even worry.

  16. One thing about the movie that bugged me was that the good guys essentially committed genocide. Surely that’s something that the bad guys do?

    Also, it was a little hard accepting Jermaine as a badass sociopath.

  17. Well, I mean, there are a couple of things to get into.

    Will Smith has to travel back in time to kill the Conchords guy. He knows the exact place he will be, but messes it up! He knows that the exact second place he will be Cape Canaveral on something something July 1969. So it’s a pretty simple mission and like in BTTF he could give himself ample time to be at either place. But he doesn’t.

    Anyway though apart from all that (and also the idea that something something July 1969 at Cape Canaveral being discovered to be the Apollo launch is a big reveal?) what is the ‘Serious Man’ guy’s role in all this? He can predict all possible futures — not useful. Even less so when Big Will (I’m not going to write this in all caps but) already knows the future. So annoying (not actually annoyed).

  18. I think if they were showing Men In Black III on my plane, I’d walk out. Am I right?

  19. I remember being underwhelmed by the first one. I thought it was pretty mediocre. Then I became really confused years later when people referred to it as a “classic”. I don’t think that’s an appropriate usage of that word.

  20. Josh Brolin was supremely fuckable in his dapper black suit. The movie was pretty great, funny and sharp and well-paced.

  21. I’m going to see this movie tonight. I’m going because it’s the Least Objectionable choice, and I have to go to a movie with this guy I’ve been seeing off and on for a couple years now, and I hate his guts and my skin crawls when he touches me, but I feel sorry as hell for him, but that makes me not want to see him even more, and I’ve been avoiding him for weeks and don’t know how to tell him that I met someone else, even though the other person ain’t no big thing or nothing. I don’t know whether to tell him before or after the movie or what. Should I bang him one more time for the road, then tell him? I know I don’t owe him anything, but I feel real bad. Anyways gonna see MIB3 tonight.

  22. Ok so I saw this and it was alright, entertaining enough. THEN we saw battleship and that was GREAT. I am not even kidding it was so awesomely ridiculous I LOVED it. Also it was like Friday Night Lights joined the navy.

  23. how do you delete a comment?

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