In the endless procession of longshot casting rumors and breathless reboot news that comprises half of the Internet (the other half is “check out what these characters from a middling TV show that only bloggers like would look like if they were in a Nintendo game from the 1980s!”) it is being “reported” that Ryan Reynolds might star in a Highlander remake. Sure. They may or may not actually remake Highlander, and Ryan Reynolds may or may not be in it. Got it, Vicki Vale. Start the presses back up. Here’s the thing, though: how many actors are there? By my count there are four. Is that right? Ryan Reynolds is already playing Deadpool in the X-Men universe, and the Green Lantern in the Green Lantern universe. That’s two superhero franchise roles. So now he’s also going to be Highlander? Perfect. Meanwhile Dame Jeremy Renner is Hawkeye in the Avengers and also the new Jason Bourne. That’s two of the four actors I mentioned. There’s Tempestt Bledsoe and Billy Bob Thornton and that’s it. I’m exaggerating for effect, but you do get my point. It doesn’t even seem like Ryan Reynolds is that good at the franchises he already has, why give him more franchises? Surely there’s some dude in a chicken costume outside of a Pollo Loco somewhere just dying for the opportunity. If you think about how many waiters and waitresses are trying desperately to make it, and how few of them actually will, that number shrinks even further when all the roles go to Ryan Reynolds. Is it because he’s the most talented? That hardly seems possible. Is it because he’s the only handsome one? But his face is mostly injection-molded rubber! Let’s find some new actors, guys. There’s got to be at least two more actors out there. SHOW YOURSELVES! #Birdie4Highlander

Comments (29)
  1. There WERE more actors auditioning for the role, but in the end, there can only be one.

    • Yeah, Ryan Gosling also tried out. They found a part for him as the villain, but in the end they found it looked too much like the body double chopping his own head off in the mirror.

  2. HE MUST be the Highlander. CLEARLY, GREEN Lantern should HAVE KILLED this wet blanket motherfucker and YET HE REMAINS.

  3. In the updated Highlander, there can only be three: two guys, and a girl.

  4. I feel like it’s a conspiracy theory that somehow involves Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio because I’m still looking for an explanation for that relationship…

  5. I think Ryan Reynolds would be great as the Highlander, because I loved him in Blue Valentine.

  6. Strangely enough, I recently had a Highlander marathon so we could come up with good quotes to make Highlander themed Valentine’s cards next year (for totally normal reasons). I heard this news a few days ago, and was like “Are there no Scottish actors??” but since the original Highlander is French and the only Scot is the Egyptian/Spanish Ramirez, it would really go against the entire fabric of the Highlander universe to have a Scotsman play a McLeod. It should be Willow Smith, for equality’s sake. Jet Li can be Ramirez and the girl can be Hilary Swank as Justin Beiber.

    • Still can’t get over how much you love Xanth.

    • And because you’re all curious, the best ones were
      “There can only be one… in my heart”
      “Let’s Gather, you’re giving me a raging Quickening”
      “I could drown in your eyes… if I weren’t an immortal”
      “I’d build an extremely sub-par castle for you, Valentine”
      “I love you like the secretary I never had”
      “You put a spark on my sword, Valentine”
      “You put a shield on my ozone”
      “You’re the one that there can only be”
      “I choo-choo-choose you over immortality”
      “I’d stone you like an unwed mother in Syracuse… Valentine”

  7. It’s true, there are just not enough aspiring actors in LA. Let’s all move there, you guys!

    • Let’s be honest, we would *all* watch the fuck out of a Highlander remake with these two in the starring roles.

      But what to do with Fassy… I mean I have ideas, but maybe they’re not as much about the movie casting as they are about the couch I will be using in the audition process.

  8. I guess everyone seeing his glistening abs in The Proposal was the tipping point for him? Because before that he was just “smarmy, smart ass” guy (except for that one movie that was like “How I Met Your Mother” for the big screen) and then he was MR. HEARTTHROB MOVIE STAR.

    • UGH, that Definitely Maybe movie. SO MUCH UGH. Like, I was on board with it as just a really bland comedy-drama, until the very end when **SPOILER ALERT FOR A 100 YEAR OLD MOVE** the daughter figured out which woman in the story was her mom, because of the was she tilted her head when she talked just like mommy.

      ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! We’re supposed to believe that this motherfucker got so goddamn detailed in recounting his story that he even described slight movements that people made 15 fucking years ago?! That is the BEST idea you could come up with for how to end your movie?! FUCK, it makes me so mad even thinking about it now!

      • The IMDB page for Definitely, Maybe lists 19 “goofs.” None of these include the ending not making one fucking bit of sense.

      • Uh, how do you plan to tell your child about how you met his mother if not through an extremely elaborate, detailed, and inappropriate story wherein you recount every single gesture and vocal inflection every girl you ever dated made? Come on, facetaco, get real.

    • Wrong, that was Amityville Horror. The man has a face that just cries out for a beard.

  9. Umm, duh. There’s only one actor. All of those guys Gabe mentioned? CGI.

  10. Andy Serkis can play an unlimited number of people/animals/creatures/ninja turtles.

  11. Pollo Loco is hiring? Lindsay Lohan is interested.

  12. comrade gabe the socialist wants to level the playing field by “redistributing” the acting roles to all the actors as equals regardless of the hard work you and your family do so that the lazy among us can benefit from his socialistic fantasies

  13. Relax technogabey.

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