As any young boy will tell you, one of the most appealing things about superheroes is the way they smell. Sure, we’d all love to have super-strength and the ability to fly and an invisible jet and a sexy costume, but what most of us would really like is to give off the same mix of sandalwood, bergamot, and lillypad that you can just see emanating from the insignia chest-plate of your favorite heroes (because the artist drew them stink lines). Wait, what? Now that The Avengers has made Bernie Madoff money (the real “Fuck You Money”–topical) it’s only to be expected that there are going to be some cash-grabbing merch tie-ins like Black Widow mini-backpacks and Thor eyeglass-repair screwdrivers in the shape of Mjolnir, but a line of signature perfumes? No, sure, right, no, yeah, OK, yes. You smell great, is that NICK FURY PERFUME? I’m so glad you called me back for a second date. Let’s get married. Wear this scent at the wedding. I love you.

If nothing else, all of the descriptions (via ONTD) are perfect. I’ve highlighted my favorite parts:

Patriot: (Modeled after Captain America) A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker on a motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.

Mark VII: (Modeled after Iron Man) A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of “I don’t play well with others” confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.

Smash: (Modeled after The Hulk) Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where—at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.

Worthy: (Modeled after Thor) This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.

Mischief: (Modeled after Loki) Inspired by Thor’s bad brother, Loki, this unisex fragrance combines a base of green tea and amber with bergamot and cardamom in a dangerous-sexy, yet playful way that wears well on anyone, day or night.

Black Widow: (Modeled after Natasha) Russian spy, trained assassin, world-class ballerina, girl from legal department. This perfume has a clear shot of citrus slowly giving way to sensual caramel and honey. The scent dries down with a blend of bitter chocolate, clear patchouli and praline.

Infinity: (Modeled after Nick Fury) This cologne is a seductive fragrance for not just any man, but only for those who will risk everything to keep the dream of freedom alive. And sure, you could describe it as a citron cocktail smoothed over with a couple of stiff shots of tonka bean and guaiac wood, or you could just put it on and know it makes you smell good.

They kind of phoned it in on the Loki and Black Widow descriptions, and also OH HI, NO SIGNATURE SCENT FOR HAWKEYE? What about a blend of eyepatch, leather vest, and arrow fletch for the man who’s ready to climb up a pole, day or night? Otherwise, though, everything about all of this is totally perfect.

Comments (35)
  1. Not sure why they didn’t make Nick Fury’s scent Gazpacho.

  2. Shouldn’t the Mark VII smell like gin and armor sweat?

  3. Black Widow: (Modeled after Natasha) Gives you the courage to boldly fire a pistol at a giant sea turtle robot dragon and/or enormous aliens knowing that their absolute out-of-this-world armor and enormity will render your pistol completely meaningless…(also works wonders on skin tags.)

  4. This is why there is climate change.

  5. I’m going to get them all, for those days when I’m not sure if I want to smell like a WWII veteran, an alcoholic, a large green animal, or a European.

  6. Whaaaatt?! Mischief is unisex?! GIMME. I want to be “dangerous-sexy, yet playful.” Duuuuuhh.

  7. Really glad that they specified the lime scent in Captain America’s scent comes from GREEN limes. Thanks for clearing that up, fellas.

  8. Now we’ll be able to identify nerds by appearance and scent.

  9. YES! Forget the slide show. THIS is the perfect anniversary gift.

  10. Don’t they all just smell sweaty?

  11. Black Widow’s description sounds like something I’d pick up at the bakery.

    Sensual caramel, honey and praline? SOLD.

  12. Just really glad someone is finally acknowledging how unusual and rare nutmeg is.

  13. I’m disappointed that Thor’s cologne wasn’t called “Asgardian love/battle funk.” I’m not proud of it, but dammit I want to smell Chris Hemsworth’s hair.

  14. The sad thing is someone probably worked really hard to write these descriptions.

    • Oh man, the world of copy editors is a strange one. They like to operate with three adjectives at a time.

    • this smells like the Work of a Summer Intern, a unisex fragrance, combining a base of minimum wage and liberal arts college credit with hints of instant coffee and ramen in a desperate-sexy, yet playful way that wears well on anyone willing to put in the hours, day and night.

  15. This will make battles where OUR HEROES are up-wind from evil a tad more difficult.

  16. Great. Now little league fields across America will be reeking of yuzu, which is apparently a thing.

    • Okay – so you as well think that these are clearly to be marketed to children/adolescents… yet I heard a super sensual, flirtateous voice in my head as I read these descriptions. Strange. And probably effective.

      “Worthy: (Modeled after Thor) This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit ” – Meaningful???
      Frozen Ginger?
      Oh and make sure the grapefruit is natural. And NOT frozen. vomit.
      Like this is a joke, right? These aren’t real.

  17. I hear if you wear all of them at the same time you’ll smell like a billion bucks.

  18. Sorry, but I love these. Deal with it world, I am that much of a nerd.

  19. Guys, Mark VII contains MANDARIN!!!! Somebody warn Tony Stark!

    And the description of Worthy got me a little hot and bothered

  20. HULK SMELL! Avengers A-smell-ble! Do you think this scent under my armpit stands for FRA(gra)NCE?! I spray thee NAY! Aромат мой! Something something Iron Man reference!

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