How is your day going? Monday getting you down? Are the life and job that you told yourself would be temporary slowly becoming the life and job you’ll have until you die? Or maybe you don’t even have a job, and every day is just a reminder that there will be more days like this to come, no matter how hard you try? Are you wearing soggy shoes because you didn’t realize it was raining when you left the house this morning and, even if you HAD realized it was raining when you left the house this morning, you wouldn’t really have been able to do anything about it anyway because you don’t have any rain-appropriate footwear? Well maybe you should SHUT UP, STOP COMPLAINING, AND BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU’LL AT LEAST NEVER KNOW KRISTEN STEWART’S PAIN. From Elle, via ONTD:

“I didn’t go to fucking school, I feel I would have had a bit something extra if I had,” she tells the latest issue of Elle. “Maybe because my life is so fucking perfect, when I see the other side of life, it just seems like, almost like I want…

“You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can’t wait for something crazy to fucking happen to me. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over! Do you know what I mean?”

YES, WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! Puh-leeze, Kristen Stewart. As if anyone couldn’t understand the human plight of “I want someone to fuck me over.” Very normal, very honest, very sensitive to your readers, and definitely NOT a super shitty humblebrag meant to endear you to the Normals while at the same time keeping a VERY safe distance from them. “I almost wish I weren’t famous, because being able to have everything you want kind of takes the specialness out of owning certain things sometimes. Just because you end up owning and being able to experience so many special things.” “I almost wish I could have acne, just to feel what it was like when someone looked at you and saw a flaw.” It’s just too bad that there’s an ellipsis where we should see your explanation of what seeing the “other side of life” makes you feel like you almost want. What is it, Kristen Stewart? WHAT DOES IT ALMOST MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT? One of the world’s most painful unanswered questions for sure, second only to “Why is everything so easy for me?”

Comments (56)
  1. I always assumed her life is pretty rough. Judging from the look she has on her face at all times, she appears to constantly be in a state of having just farted. That’s gotta be rough after a while.

  2. Why IS everything so easy for her? It shouldn’t be. She can’t even act.

  3. “…didn’t go to fucking school?” Perhaps if she had gone to school she would learn not to split her infinitives.

    OR – did she go to Fucking School?

    • maybe she’s a eunich…

    • I really want to correct your mistaken identification of a split infinitive, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

      • I realize it’s impossible.

        • Would it have been a true split infinitive if she said she did not go fuckingly to school?

          • No. “To school” is not an infinitive, because school is not a verb, in this case. Sorry to get all schoolmarmy.

          • nor is “go to,” just to be clear

          • Okay, so, how about if she said “I didn’t go fuckingly to school?”

          • No. That is actually even further from being right and wrong, somehow.

          • So how come people always use the “To boldly go” as an example of a split infinitive? Come on, this is important, guys. I just found out I am as ignorant as Kristen Stewart.

          • Not to be a dick (okay, to be kind of a dick, but also in case you are asking for real) — an infinitive is basically the verb form that begins “to,” as in to commentate, to flounder, to flail, to fuck up, to go.

            In the sentence “You need to go to school, son,” to go is an infinitive verb construction (to+action), while to school is a prepositional phrase — as “school” is a noun, obvs, and an infinitive is always a verb.

            Now, usually you don’t want to insert a word between “to” and your verb — that’s called “splitting the infinitive” and it can be awkward & distracting — so, ideally you’d put your adverb (“boldly”) someplace else, like “You need to go boldly to school,” or “You need to go to school boldly.” But if you’re Captain Kirk, the boldness itself is the key, moreso than the actual going, so to emphasize that word, sort of throw it into the sentence’s spotlight, you can drop it into the middle of your infinitive. That is acceptable. And so, your mission becomes to boldly go where no gijyun has gone before. (School.)

          • Soooooo…you’re saying that Captain Kirk is an exception to grammatical syntax? Why does the phrase “to go” get a pass from this rule? When did “go” un-become a verb?

          • I can explain this stuff to you, gijyun, I can’t comprehend it for you.

          • I thought your explanation was really interesting. I don’t know any of the rules of grammar, except for those I understand intuitively.

            After your explanation of why it was correct to break the rule in the case of Captain Kirk’s, “To boldly go” line, it occurred to me that people often split infinitives with curse words. Maybe this is because, either consciously or subconsciously, their intention is to emphasize the curse over the action, and taking the spotlight away from the action does exactly that.

  4. she wants to be normal so bad. almost like a vampire who only wants to know what it feels like to be a mortal. to have a finite pulse.

    someone should write a book about that.

  5. Too bad Kristen isn’t a struggling English major, her voice is perfect for GOOP.

  6. The answer to this, as to so many problems, is clearly to blow up the moon.

  7. Wait, she said she wants to be fucked over? I can help with that! Nothin’ wrong with two adults gettin’ a K-stew on!

  8. Videogum Everywhere mission! Let’s never see any film or tv show she is in ever again, let’s never buy a magazine she’s on the cover of (or mentioned in), let’s never read any online story about her, let’s never type or say her name out loud…and encourage our friends to do the same.

    Together, we can make her dream come true!!!!

  9. That’s funny, I was just thinking how it would be really awesome if things went smoothly for a while and I made a fuck ton of money to boot.

  10. I wish she wouldn’t cuss so damn much, but I think she’s not so horrible for admitting this about herself. It sounds like she has a regular case of middle-class guilt, except magnified to a huge degree because of her fame and wealth.

    • Can we, as a society, please come up with a better word than “cuss?” You can’t say it without sounding silly. And “curse” and “swear” are entirely too clinical. We need a dirty word for dirty words!

  11. I think what she’s saying is that she wishes she was bullied in middle school.

  12. You know, I actually was having a kind of crappy day…nothing major just a couple things bugging me more than usual…but I guess it’s times like these that it really pays to remember that, hey, I’m not Kristen Stewart. I got to go to fucking school! and something crazy has happened to me! and all those times that people fucked me over? I’m real thankful for those!

  13. I’ll give her this much: she is definitely boring.

  14. I encountered a lot of (usually rich, white, etc.) kids like this in college. Just dying to have something to ‘struggle’ against. Most of the time they would end up drug addicts, so mission accomplished! Good luck, Kristen!

  15. you know… i think this article title is a bit off… shouldn’t “life” be replaced by “actress?”

  16. OMG I hate her!

  17. Even though I am completely ambivalent toward Ms. Stewart, all of these negative comments really made me want to, through an act of complete contrarianism, defend her. Instead, I fucking hate her now. Thanks Videogum, she’s on the list. Bam Margera just keeps sliding down the list. . .

  18. I have some sympathy for her. I mean, I have a lot more sympathy for people with problems, myself included (can you have sympathy for yourself? sure, why not, you/we’ are crazy) but I get why this would suck. The thing I do not have sympathy for is her insistence on saying this to a reporter. These are the things you write in your diary and share with your therapist and then refrain from bothering other people with. F’real.

  19. She’s complaining about the fact that her unstruggled-for success has stunted her emotional development!

    And demonstrating it!

    And provoking a response — ridicule, derision, public criticism — that might lead to some of the reality-induced maturation she understands she currently lacks!

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