I’ll give you all a moment for the inevitable applause break following that Pulitzer Prize nominated headline before we get into the story. [Applause Break. Shouts of "Goooood headline!" ring out.] OK! Let’s get to it. A bunch of stupid fucking kids told their annoying parents to buy them owls because they saw that Harry Potter had an owl and they decided they were brats so they needed an owl and their parents were just like, “Dehrrrr,” but now that there aren’t even more movies being made no one wants the sad owls anymore and it’s a goddamned tragedy. From the Daily Mirror:

Hundreds of owls are being abandoned across the country after being bought as pets by Harry Potter fans. Sanctuaries are full of the birds now the craze has faded after the release of the final Harry Potter film last year. And it’s feared many more have been illegally released into the wild and will have starved to death or taken over territory inhabited by smaller wild owls.

Ugh. Owls can live for up to 20 years. They have so much post-Harry Potter nightmare ahead of them! I feel like you all owe me an apology.

That is a link to a post in which I said I didn’t like the Harry Potter movies very much and everyone turned into a real SALLY SADPANTS. This is basically YOUR FAULT, PROBABLY. Also, wasn’t there a Harry Potter movie, like, six months ago? It was not THAT long ago that the last movie came out. At least people waited until the very last movie came out before dumping their owls into Whoops Ocean. “One last midnight screening, Tootsie, and then I’m going to flush you down the LOO because I hate your shit-smeared face. But let’s enjoy tonight!” What a bunch of bloody cunts.

Not that we shouldn’t have seen this coming, considering England’s long herstory of novelty pop-culture-based pet ownership:

The Harry Potter owl craze echoes that of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film in the early 1990s, when thousands of ­unwanted pet terrapins were dumped in Britain’s rivers, canals and lakes.

Haha. Cowabunga, JERKS. (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)

Comments (30)
  1. Hundreds of owls? That means hundreds (thousands?) of parents bought their children birds of prey because they liked a wizard book. Good job, everyone.

  2. I wonder if this is related to England’s recent Tootsie Roll Pop shortage.

  3. I wonder how many people will be trashing their recently purchased Battleship board game after seeing the movie this weekend. Oh right, no one saw the movie.

  4. This news will keep me up all night.

  5. Well owl be!

  6. I’m no zoologist, but aren’t owls supposed to live free (or die hard)?

  7. So are you saying that buying all of those owls wasn’t a wise purchase?

  8. President Snowy, Hootmitch Owlbernathy, etc.

  9. My aims are the aims of owls.
    To whit: to woo

  10. Owls are puny underneath.

  11. This happened a few years ago with dalmatians following the 101 Dalmatians live action movie. Fucking assholes.

    On the upside, at least there was no Snakes on a Plane-related buyers remorse epidemic.

  12. Who will take care of all these owls? Who? Who?

  13. Well, Gabe, I don’t have any clever owl jokes, but I would have supported completely your views on the Potter films had I participated in that thread. This does make one wonder, though, what will happen to all of those English orphans with conical hats, adopted by barren do-gooders who returned home to find that the children were not so much wizard-like as just not so bright?

  14. I love the owl very much, and am saddened that parents just shrugged and went, “Yeah, let’s get our completely rational child an owl.” A pet takes commitment!

  15. see i wouldn’t have gotten that for my step-daughter… an owl is temporary but if you are a real potter fan you’ll learn witchcraft and wizardry! that’s dedication kids, real dedication lies in dabbling in the dark arts and cosmic forces.

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