Oh brother. Really, dude? Within the infinite possibilities of the multi-verse there is an alternate planet Earth out there in which Chet Haze stopped for a second and thought, “Hey, why don’t I NOT write this Tweet.” That’s a scientifically proven fact. (May or may not be a fact, but there is some kind of pop science behind it. I listen to RadioLab, OKAYYYY?) In general, there might be a little bit too much hand-wringing in the current trend of anti-bullying rhetoric. It all feels a little bit over-protective. Then again, children are actually hurting themselves and living in fear, so that’s a problem too. The idea of telling a parent, or the child him/herself for that matter, to just buck up because it’s going to build character and they’ll be better off for it down the road seems like a tough sell. On the one hand, yes, everyone was basically bullied to some extent or another when they were younger, but there is a new reality to the reach and omnipresence of bullies, who can now populate the on-line world as well as the locker-filled hallway with their taunts and humiliation. That’s tough! And new! No one actually fully understands the effects and ramifications of it because it genuinely hasn’t existed before. So, there’s that. The point I’m making is that in the general debate over modern bullying, I’m not sure how anyone could be anything other than ambivalent because there are fair points to be made on either side of things. (This does not mean that anyone needed Chet Haze to jump into the fray. But we’re about to get back to him in a second.) All of that being said, the issue of bullying is inarguably problematic when we get to the subject of SUICIDE, which is an altogether terminal and serious thing. No duh. Even a Northwestern student should know that.

It’s just terrible. We don’t even really need to get into it. If there’s someone who doesn’t think that children killing themselves to escape the pain of their own tormented existence is terrible, they should KILL THEMSELVES. And making any kind of judgement about the quality of a person’s character post-suicide is just so grossly beside the point. The time for addressing flaws or faults or weaknesses or red flags has clearly passed. Things have reached their most unfortunate possible conclusion and now we have to live with that. If the person was weak, or if the person should have talked to someone, or if the person should have this, or the person could have that, it’s all meaningless now. Perhaps there is some very minor way in which it can be analyzed for preventative measures in other similar situations, at best, but even then it’s thin soup. Just grieve. Make peace. I don’t even know what.

But to post a vague, generalized tweet like this is actually straight up nuts. For one thing, Chet Haze was raised in an impenetrable cloud of wealth and privilege and obviously that does not actually prevent anyone from existential pain or depressive tendencies or escapist drug abuse or any other visible signs of WEAKNESS, so it’s not that he is without the capacity to understand how someone might “fail” in this way. But those high-class manifestations of similar problems tend not to be the result of pure desperation and hopelessness. But armchair psychology aside: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS TWEET FOR? The people he’s talking about are theoretically dead. So it’s what, to stick it to their friends and family? Let them know that Chet Haze thinks their dead loved one is a fucking pussy? (Sidenote: who CONDONES bullying? That’s not even a thing, you moron.) There’s no real “here” here. Setting aside the deep, impossible mystery of who this tweet is directed at, we are now faced with the question of what the POINT of the tweet is. What is it? He doesn’t condone bullying but he thinks Congress needs to take a stand against teenage suicide victims and strip them of their citizenship? I mean, what on Earth is the viewpoint being expressed here? He thinks they’re weak, yes, but so what? What is his desired outcome? You would need an Eingma Machine to decode this fucking thing.

Or is it just so that everyone knows that Chet Haze would never kill himself? Is it a cry for help? We weren’t that worried about you, Chet Haze, should we be worried about you? Well we will all stop worrying because we can tell that you are one tough son of a bitch. Who else would have the courage to insult suicide victims and their loved ones for no discernible reason on a social media platform? Powerful stuff. So brave. American Hero.


Comments (67)
  1. Who wants to bully Chet Haze with me?

    • I’ll go first; Hey Chet, your name has 4 letters! You know what else has four letters? ‘suck’ and ‘shit’. Chet! You suck shit!

      I think we’re off to a fine start. Let’s get that ‘countdown to Chet Haze’s suicide’ clock ticking!

    • I would, totally, with Mr. T as my back up for sure.

    • He doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page. The retired child actor who played Chunk in “Goonies” has a Wikipedia page. Chet has to aspire to someday attain the same amount of fame as the retired child actor who played Chunk in “Goonies.”

      Chet is LITERALLY a footnote on his father’s page. There’s the perfect metaphor for his life.

  2. Sooooooo tempted to go for lowest rated comment right now…

  3. chet haze’s lack of empathy is pretty fucking weak.

  4. With each day that goes by, it gets harder and harder for me to believe that he is actually the son of Tom Hanks.

  5. Yes, anyone who off themselves is emotionally weak and needs help. 1. Why is needing help a bad thing and 2. we should do everything we can to help them before they get to that point.

    This is not what he intended to say, but I’m going to choose to read it that way.

  6. Maybe he just still has a lot to learn about pranks.

  7. Ugh. Up until this tweet, I thought that Dragnet was the worst thing that Tom Hanks ever made.

  8. Very good advice from a straight, white, rich guy whose dad happens to be one of the biggest stars in the world. He can just totally relate to lonely outcasts because I bet nobody at Hollywood Celebrity High School would would ever even give him the time of day.

  9. Counterpoint:

    Does this mean we can stop paying attention to Chet Haze? He doesn’t realize that the only reason he’s “famous”(haha) is because people make fun of him. He thinks people are actually interested in his opinion.

    • I used to follow him on twitter because he seemed genuinely nice and I thought the white rapper persona was produced in jest and he but I can’t stand him moralizing any more. He’s obviously so deep in self-denial that he has no clue about the absurdity of his existence.

      • I feel like a big part of his followers are people like us who follow him ironically. What do you say, guys, #UnfollowChetHaze?

      • Maybe we just understand the profound depth of his wisdom. I’ve heard it said many a time that Chet Haze is like an Eingma, wrapped in a Rdidle, cloaked in a Mytsery.

        • Oops, I meant maybe we just *don’t understand the profound depth of his wisdom. In hindsight, it’s probably best not to make editorial mistakes whilst calling out spelling mistakes. Back to the drawing board.

  10. I don’t condone bullying under any circumstances #gethazed

  11. what’s up with Tom Hanks’ hair asshole son?

  12. He’s clearly just trying to stop teen suicide, look at how Highly Influential he is. Bullies.

    (Jesus be a Colin Hanks indie feature.)

  13. Also, what the fuck is “ayo”? All I can think of is some corruption of this:

  14. You either don’t condone bullying or you think the most desperate people of our society are weak. Pick a side, buddy.

  15. Read about this beautiful 13 year old girl who killed herself to escape bullying and tell me this isn’t a problem that needs to be addressed NOW.


    • If as many people spoke out against suicide as they do against bullying, then maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad problem. Doesn’t anyone worry that media coverage like this actually makes gay teens more likely to hurt themselves?

      • God, I hope not. As someone who has attempted suicide it the past, I don’t think this would be the case. Hopefully, the media exposure will help these young people realize that they are not alone in their pain and struggles.

  16. Chet tweeted this picture immediately before tweeting the awful tweet in the article above.

  17. Something about the words “highly influential” beside Chet Haze’s name–yes, THAT Chet Haze–make me wonder if the terrorists really DID win on 9/11.

  18. wow, he’s a piece of shit.

  19. I don’t see what’s so offensive about, “Mayo I don’t condiment bullying but anyone who offs themselves mustard they got pickles on is weak.” I need to eat lunch.

  20. I can’t believe 4 dicks actually retweeted that garbage. Some days I weep for humanity.

  21. You guys fell for it…this is just marketing for Chet Haze’s new sitcom “Bosom Bullies”

  22. I totally am no longer mad at tom hanks for fathering colin hanks and being inadvertantly responsible for dexter season 6′s badguy’s terrible acting. Now i have him to thank for chet haze.

  23. at least he didn’t spell it “week”

  24. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • I kind of agree with you. I think he was basically trying to say suicide isn’t an answer but in a cool, older brother way but it doesn’t work because everyone sees him as an uncool, spoiled child.

    • If I may elaborate:

      “but all the intense media coverage and memorializing of teen suicide victims probably has as much to do with the epidemic as the bullying itself.”


      Sometimes a limb is unpopular because it is THE WRONG FUCKING LIMB.

      The way to solve bully-related suicides is probably closer to society sending clearer messages about acceptance and tolerance than it is to pointing out what weak, sad little cowards those dead children are IS ALL I AM SAYING JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK.

    • I’m not an expert but I do comment on the internet and I don’t think people who kill themselves don’t realize how much it hurts their friends and family, I think it’s more having to do with an actual medically-defined sickness. Calling people weak because they don’t have the faculties to deal with life does nothing more then stigmatize the disease.

  25. Guys this is ridiculous, this was clearly intended as a private Twitter message between Chet and his friend and cousin Ayo. You’re all reading it wrong. Let me add some punctuation to clarify:

    @Ayo, I don’t condone bullying (but anyone who offs themselves,) cuz! [That] they got picked on is weak.

    There, everyone chill out.

  26. I used to think Chet Haze was just a laughably talentless douchebag, but I’m now upgrading that to idiotically callous asshole.

  27. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  28. Spoken like a true bully.

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