Yesterday, it was reported that John Travolta was being sued by a male masseuse for grabbing the man’s penis and then masturbating in front of him. (Oh, and GOOD MORNING, by the way.) Travolta is denying the accusations, claiming that he was in New York the whole time, which, fair enough, your honor, but also haha, your honor. And now, today, he is being sued by another male masseuse for a pretty similar “crime” (now that we’re talking about it, I’m starting to wonder what is actually illegal about this whole thing. Gross and sad and lame, yes, but maybe not illegal?) and to complicate things the new masseuse is represented by the same attorney as the old masseuse, which either makes their case weaker or stronger, I’M NOT SURE. Right? Like, it could really go either way! On the one hand, it feels a little suspicious and a little opportunistic, and on the other hand, patterns are formed and each accusation lends credence to the other. But most importantly, the new masseuse has a VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION of what seems to be THE PROBLEM. This is a kind of NSFW description so EARMUFFS! But for your EYES! From the HuffingtonPost:

“[Travolta had] a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table…Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat…Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of ‘Glutes’ work meaning a massage on his buttocks…While [the plaintiff] was massaging near Travolta’s buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus.”

Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum. Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover.”

Haha. That sounds about right. “These sheets are too sticky!” Classic Travolta. And I’m not even sure why the part about him pulling his butthole open is mentioned in the case. He was getting a massage wasn’t he? What was he supposed to do with his butthole?! HEY! STOP TORTURING THE MAN, NORTH CAROLINA! (That’s kind of an easy way to segue into a discussion of last night’s disappointing and morally unacceptable vote in North Carolina to create a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, but also hey, FUCK THEM! What a hateful, backwards thing to do. It’s just another vote that’s going to have to be repealed in the slow march of progress, but it stands as a black mark on the history of humankind that we’re going to have a real tough time explaining to future generations. Why couldn’t gay people get married even though they loved each other? And why is the Earth covered in water? Shut up, Junior. Eat your hoverpeas.) Really, though, it is the same overarching bigoted tone of our dumb society that leads to things like North Carolina and the self-destructive, legally impactful, sexually wanton behavior of possibly closeted celebrities and/or non-celebrities who feel that they cannot lead the lives that they would like to lead. Who cares who touches whose dick when the towels get too hot? GET A LIFE, JEWS.

Comments (58)
  1. Umm, I’m pretty sure that grabbing a dude’s junk is sexual assault, which is illegal. In this case, it’s DOUBLE illegal if it happens in North Carolina.

  2. LOL ” touch his anus and around his anus.”

  3. I will never get tired of that bald Travolta in a swing shot. So keep it coming!

  4. I just want to point out the picture this article is leading with

    So apparently marriages between men and men are bad, but ones between men and unknowable cosmic beings are just fine

  5. Hold onto your butts, everyone.* I have a feeling this is going to get a lot uglier.

    *except John Travolta. He should probably let go of his butt.

  6. John Travolta is our generation’s Goatse, apparently.

  7. There’s no such thing as a “male masseuse.” The term is “masseur.” I rest my case!

  8. I love that they have to specify that he wanted to be touched both “on his anus” and “around” his anus. It’s like:

    Judge: “So, you’re saying, Mr. Travolta tried to force your client to touch him on the anus?”
    Lawyer: “Not just on the anus, your honor.”
    Judge: “Really? Where else then?”
    Lawyer: “He also tried to force my client to touch him AROUND the anus.”
    Judge: “Oh! Really? On it *and* around it? Okay then. SUSTAINED.”

  9. Stop tainting John Travolta’s credibility!

  10. The fact that this is between two people of the same gender does make for some wonderfully awkward descriptions:

    “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.”

    Travolta tried to force Doe to touch Travolta’s scrotum.

    Now I’m picturing him calling it that: “Touch Travolta’s scrotum.”

  11. So John Travolta has an alibi for at least one of these claims, but do we know if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta’s face can prove their whereabouts at the time?

  12. here’s what i dont get: north carolina didnt already have that amendment! have you been there? north carolina, despite containing the word “north” is an incredibly quote unquote southern state. what is going on down there that they were the 30th state to pass such a thing. they were just sleeping on their dubious legislation or what?

    • They didn’t even know that homosexuality was a thing that existed outside of jail and camping trips up until recently.

    • Gay marriage was already illegal, but it wasn’t written into the Constitution. So now it’s both in the laws and in the Constitution. Because they needed a backup plan in case their front-line bigotry was overturned. Because 60 per cent of NC voters are disgusting.

  13. “Travolta’s Scrotum” is a constellation near the Crab Nebula.

  14. He’s not being charged with crimes by the state, he’s being sued in tort for damages. Nothing he did was “illegal,” it was just a civil wrong committed by Travolta against the masseurs, allegedly (he probably did it.)

  15. “Whoa I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself…”

  16. ugh! will someone please just give John Travolta a damn handsy…he just sounds so desperate.

  17. John Travolta stars in: Masseussical the Musical

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