I’m not trying to brag, but I read the first three Game of Thrones books about 10 years ago. LADIIIIIIIIES?! That being said I couldn’t for the life of me tell you today what happens after the first book. It has helped me to be able to follow the show to some extent, which, yo, this show is great but it is so complicated! This show’s Facebook status is It’s Confusing Sometimes. (Boom. Gotcha!) But other than that, I fold. So recently, I decided I wanted to catch up because I do want to read the new one, Like Water for Dragons or whatever it’s called, and I couldn’t remember for the life of me if I’d even read the fourth book (Look At Those Crows!) or not, so I started reading it figuring it would catch me up and holy cow it is crazy all of the stuff that is going to happen! The people who have not read the books and are just watching the show are in for a Game of SPOILERS. You’ll see. Let’s talk about it in 2014. Pull your life raft up next to mine and we’ll share theories on who SPOILERED king SPOILER as we reminisce about what it was like before the world was covered in water. Anyway, this week’s episode: good. You know. I mean, it’s good. The show is great. Not all of the episodes are going to be EARTH-SHATTERING. We do eventually have to get from point A to point WHOA. This week we learned that Theon Greyjoy is a total chode. Joffrey is a little bitch. The Hound seems pretty chill. Rob wants to bone. The Lord of Spices is a turd. Arya is running out of magical death wishes. And, of course, DUDE WHERE’S MY DRAGONS?! Next week: Queen Cersei gets her nails did!

Comments (91)
  1. #occupykingslanding

  2. #occupykingslanding

  3. Between Catelyn’s “Robb’s gotta crush” face, Theon’s “Aww yeah, boobz” face, and Jaqen’s “Nooooow?” face, last night was a real Game of Comical Facial Expressions.
    Also, THEON IS SUCH A DIIIIIIIIIIICK. What a dick! Super dick.
    Also also, Jon Snow is a terrible Big Spoon.

    • I’d take it.

    • Theon’s my favorite character (after reading all five books). Mr. Citizen has read zero books. After the unfortunate Rodrik incident, Citizen turned to me and said, “So, this is the guy you call your favorite character?” WHY, YES. YES, IT IS.

      • While I do not take back my comments about Theon’s current dick-ish-ness (so entitled!)…
        Knowing what I know about where Theon is headed in the books, I feel for him.
        Also, I have this weird crush on Theon-on-the-show and every time he is the worst, I want him to be my boyfriend even more? It is DEFINITELY a reason for me to start going to therapy.

  4. ***SPOILER ALERT**** Joffrey disarmed Dumbledore and Harry disarmed Joffrey so technically Harry is the master of Winterfell.

  5. As much as I (and everyone) love seeing Joffrey get slapped, everytime, I fear it somehow makes him stronger.

  6. I’m going to make up for my DONNA DARKO’D first comment with this:

  7. I posted a comment and then it disappeared, so if this is a double I apologize but I’m just so happy I got to see my beautiful, perfect, wonderful the Hound! And also, something clever about Gwen from Downton not getting that job as a secretary after all! But mostly the Hound. Always the Hound.

    • Yes! I was so happy that he got to have his “little bird” moment with Sansa!! That whole sequence made me squee though, everything with Tyrion, Sansa, and the Hound was THE BEST.

  8. Am I alone in thinking that the worship of the Drowned God is a religion of dumbness?

    • As a nerd, what I always think is how similar it is to the gods in DWJ’s Dalemark Quartet. I’m not calling George RR Martin a plagiarist, I’m just saying maybe his two middle initials aren’t all he’s borrowed.

  9. I gotta admit, when Gwen left Downton to become a secretary, I was happy for her! But obviously I do not understand women’s rights or history or whatever, because I thought ‘secretary’ meant ‘person who types a lot and maybe answers phones,’ not ‘wildling who can seduce Jon Snow through three layers of fur.’

  10. Did I just dream this, or did that mob really rip that guy’s arms off? If so, wow… Also, am I the only one who kind of loves Tywin Lannister? I feel like I was expecting the biggest fucking asshole of all time considering how most of his kids and grand kids turned out, but I’m very pleasantly surprised.

    P.S. Agreed, Margaret. Which is why prefer being the Little Spoon. Less pressure, less awkward left arm/right arm positioning.

    • Those scenes between him and Arya are so gooooood. I’m not usually like, “Wow. That’s some amazing acting.” But every time they’re on screen I’m like, “Wow. That’s some amazing acting.” And not in a distracting way, but in a way like I forget I’m watching a TV show. MTV Moonmen for best acting for all!

    • Arya’s the perfect friend for Tywin; he can tell her what to do without any backtalk, and she’s smart enough to keep up with him.

    • LOOOOVE everything with Tywin and Arya. I’ve gotta say how impressed I am at Weiss and Benioff; they seem to really get the world and story and when they add something that isn’t in the books it’s usually awesome.

  11. FIVE CHOPS TO GET THOUGH THE NECK??????

    Dude, Theon. That’s like Executions 101.

  12. To those of you who have read the book: I don’t want to be one of *those* people, but is it just me or were there some big deviations from the book in last night’s episode? Who is the chick Rob is so hot for. Is that supposed to be Jane Poole? Also, the dragons–have I forgotten that they were stolen? Because I honestly don’t remember that, and dragon theft seems like a crime you would remember?

    • Yes, I agree, there were some big deviations. I do think that girl Robb is into is supposed to represent the Jane Poole character. And no, the dragons were not stolen in the book. I also don’t remember Jon’s first encounter with Ygritte quite that way. But, it’s been a while since I’ve read them. From what I can tell, I think the show writers are changing a few of the details on the journey, but hopefully we’ll all still arrive at the same destination, if you know what I mean.

      • “but hopefully we’ll all still arrive at the same destination, if you know what i mean.” do you mean climaxing, because if that’s the case i’m going to need more wet-naps.

      • Even more spoilers: Since they shot all the north-of-the-Wall stuff in Iceland (I think?) it’s much more treeless than in the books (I guess the Frostfangs probably don’t have many trees, but the area around the Fist of the First Men definitely did), so when Jon immediately lost sight of the rest of the rangers and Ygritte was like, “Now you’ll never find your friends,” I was kind of like, “Or you could look for the only other moving things within a 15-mile radius?” I dunno. There’s a lot of visibility up there. Regardless, I guess maybe this is the point at which Jon makes certain alliances (without being too spoiler-y), and does that mean that Qhorin isn’t going to sanction it the way he did in the books? Because that would make me feel differently about Jon and the choices he makes and the eventual other choices that people make about him.

        • SPOILERY-ISH:

          Oooh, I agree! If the thing that’s supposed to happen with Qhorin doesn’t happen, it will REALLY change Jon’s motivations. I hope they keep that the way it is in the books.

          • Duncan Gibb  |   Posted on May 8th, 2012 +1

            Yeah that is definitely a major character point for Jon. I don’t mind them tweaking this and that (let’s see where they go with the dragon theft..), but just having Jon bail on the Night’s Watch and be all ‘I’m lost’ joining the Wildling army would be worse for his character.

          • SPOILERISH-LIKE:

            And what about the omission of Jojen and Meera Reed!? I am SO pissed they’ve been left out of Bran’s story. I read somewhere that those two characters definitely do not appear in this season. I can’t imagine how they’d even be integrated into the follow-on seasons, either. Of all the liberties they’ve taken with adapting the series, that is the most unfortunate, IMO.

            I just discovered the AV Club’s collection of GoT reviews yesterday. The site features Expert and Novice-level reviews. It helped to illuminate possible cinematic reasons for changes in the story (e.g. Dany’s missing dragons, Theon’s sister’s name, Shadow Baby, etc.)

    • I think Jeyne shows up later (in the book). In the books, she kind-of disappeared after the Stark Massacre in King’s Landing.

      The Battle Nurse of Volantis wasn’t in the book, but may be replacing someone who is (of BIG consequence but little-seen).

      I don’t think the dragons were ever stolen in the books. Which, looking back, seems really ludicrous.

    • Jeyne Poole was Sansa’s friend, Jeyne Westerling is the character you are thinking of who appears to have been replaced with the tan girl from Volantis. The Qarth stuff in this episode is only loosely based on what happened in the book.

    • GAME OF SPOILERS: (I AM SERIOUS HERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BOOKS 3-5)

      I think by Jane Poole you meant Jeyne Westerling? Jeyne Poole is the poor girl who was Sansa’s friend and eventually has to marry Ramsay Snow/Bolton. But yeah, I *think* this Lady Salisa or whatever her name is will turn out to be the Jeyne Westerling character. Don’t know quite where they’re going with that, other than to make the love story a little more compelling?

      And no, the dragons weren’t stolen in the books. It looks like they were maybe taken by the Warlocks? So maybe it’s giving Dany more of a reason to go in there and cause a ruckus?

      • I think you’re right.

        Continued Spoilers

        There is no Salisa in the books, but it does seem like this is the lady who Robb’s going to sleep with. From what I gather, Weiss and Benioff wanted to beef up Robb’s story, given that he has no POV chapters but is still a rather important character. It seems like they’ve done the same with the Highgarden gang, Tywin, and, to an even greater extent, with Littlefinger.

        • I think you’re right, because as I recall Jeyne Westerling is real dud in the books. Here I’m at least interested to see where this is going with this character and Robb.

      • GAME OF SPOILERS BOOK 2: A SONG OF ICE AND SPOILERS DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T READ UP TO BOOK 3

        Yes, I meant Jeyne Westerling! Too many Jeynes to keep track of in this book. Game of Jeynes.

  13. So did Littlefinger recoginze Arya, or not? Also, did anyone else burst out laughing at the True Blood teaser?

  14. I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Joffrey’s ass?!

  15. HOTTEST IN WESTEROS POLL!

    1) Robb Stark – you know how I do
    2) Ser Rodrick’s beard – RIP SER RODRICK’S BEARD
    3) Ygritte – you go Gwen!
    4) Jon Snow – he’s pretty
    5) The assassin guy who kills people for Arya
    6) Tyrion – his scenes with Joffrey are worth all the awards

    • His regrettable spooning performance aside, my bastard baby Jon Snow was looking REAL REAL nice against that harsh Northern landscape. Jon Snow for President of Westeros.

    • what about Littlefinger? i mean, that moustache totally needs to be rode on.

      • haha nooooooooooooo! He is never making this poll unless we change it to “Creepiest Creeps Who Kind of Remind Me of Child Molesters of Westeros”

        I’d put Theon on that one too.

    • Robb Stark brought it this week with his adorable attempts at flirting (not too bad for a first try, buddy!).

    • AW YEAH ROBB STARK HOLDING IT DOWN. (Just saw Richard Madden in something else and was delighted to find out his natural accent is Scottish!!)

      • Oh tell me about it – his natural accent is the best, as is his face.

        • Did you see “Birdsong?” You will have your heart broken by his face and accent and everything about him in it.

          • Gurl yes, I saw it TWICE and I cried each time! So beautiful right? His part after the Battle of the Somme when he is like “Half of England gone, my god what have we done?” and he cries – OMGGGGGGGGGGGG!!

            I am kind of obsessed with him and I’ve seen a lot of his work and he’s a really amazing actor. He was on this comedy/drama called Sirens and he was really funny so he can do comedy too. I think he’s one to look out for to make it big.

    • I think Tyrion is turbo hot, so #1 for me. Then Jon Snow, Jaqen (Arya’s assasin, whatshisname), Robb Stark, and cetera.

      Also: I think it’s wonderful that the Monsters here are keeping the spoilers to themselves, or are kindly denoting spoilers appropriately. I sort of envy all of you who are watching the series without having read the books. You’re all in for quite a ride, as the series has done a fantastic job, so far, telling the story (naturally, the books are also fantastic and you should probably read those, too :-) .

  16. I’m a little mad Arya had to use her 2nd deathwish on that fat illiterate knight. I love Joffery slapping and no one does it better that Tyrion, he may be a half-man but his pimp hand stay strong. Also, can i please get some Jon Snow sex scenes… i’d like to know whats under all that armor, thanks. Oh and Osha is the shit. when she took her top off i was like “i’ll never be able to watch her in the harry potter movies without picturing her leaky cauldron.”

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