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1. Any kind of insect.
2. Falling/Being pushed onto the subway tracks.
3. Falling down when you’re trying to cross the street quickly because a car is coming.
4. Falling down when you’re walking up stairs and hitting your teeth on one of the steps.
5. Eating something and then finding a bug in it, and then finding MORE bugs in it, and then all you’re thinking is, “how many bugs have I already eaten?”
6. Going crazy, murdering someone, and then regaining your sanity.
7. If you’re home alone and you’re trying to change a lightbulb and you fall down or get electrocuted, and the only person who comes to your rescue is a ghost.
8. Taxi driver is a murderer.
9. You’re actually dreaming right now and when you wake up you realize your life is worse that it was in the dream.
10. Falling into a sinkhole and landing in a “murky underground weather-worn cavern,” only to be rescued by a shaky ladder. !!!!!!!! (Via BlameItOn.)
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#10 only really applies if that 6 meter deep “murky underground weather-worn cavern” is filled with spiders, in which case Goodnight Everyone, it’s time to take my suicide pills!
i think i need to start wearing a tinfoil hat, because an internet blogger is reading my thoughts and publishing them here.
1. Any kind of incest.
Fixed that for you Kelly. Looking at you Game of Thrones.
Oh God #4
My #4 is similar but it also involves brushing your teeth and stabbing yourself in the uvula with your toothbrush.
“Why are you brushing your teeth while you walk up stairs?”
“Maximizing my productivity differential, jerk.”
“Mrxshumizhing mah prductvtisheesh differnshlll, dzherp!”
11. It turns out that you’re one of those people who nobody likes but is always invited to stuff because it would be too awkward and messy to just cut them out of the loop.
It’s a good thing that your post is highlighted then, so you know that you’re well-loved.
She needed that like she needed a hole in the sidewalk.
I think this may be related to a recent headline I saw:
http://www.therecord.com/news/world/article/710782–man-who-killed-trayvon-martin-goes-underground
Looks like he struck again!
“Girl Swallowed by Pavement”
“She was walking down a Shady Lane,” said the taxi driver. “She seemed Rattled by the Rush of falling down the hole. I though she had Stopped Breathin’. Wowee Zowee, what a nightmare.”
WTF with the woman just sort of casually walking over at 0:20? “Hey, that girl just got swallowed by the sidewalk. Looks interesting. Maybe I should check that out.”
to be this baby: http://jezebel.com/5904427/real-housewives-simon-van-kempen-ejaculated-on-his-wife-while-she-gave-birth-to-their-son
a couple of years ago a street half collapsed somewhere in the suburbs of new orleans, sucking in a dump truck which crushed one of the workers under it. but the ground was so soft that he just got smooshed into the earth and the truck only broke his legs. so. that can be like, fear 10-a.
I remember seeing years ago on the news, there was a man having a backyard barbecue, and his septic tank collapsed underneath him and he fell in. I think that one is probably worse.
I try to be respectful of cultural differences but I cannot stop laughing at the taxi driver named Wong Wei.
Normally it’s just kind of dickish to laugh at foreign names, but when they make that perfect a pun all bets are off.
I also make exception for rhymes. My childhood ear doctor was named Dr. Chang Lang Wang.
When I worked as a customer care rep I once spoke to a man named Grover S. Grimes Jr.
Are you sure it wasn’t Frank Grimes?
Nope. it also wasn’t Rick Grimes. Clang!
I am scared of all of these things already too Kelly. Well #10 is new, and I’d never really thought of #7, but now I have and there’s no escape. Oh god. Oh geez.
I am legitimately afraid of choking to death on my calcium supplements and this time there won’t be a ghost. THERE WON’T BE A GHOST!!
Be weird if the girl they got out of the hole wasn’t the girl who fell down the hole.