The Star-Whackers, a real secret cabal of international assassins who chase after celebs and make them go nuts that is definitely a real thing for sure, have been pretty quiet ever since Randy and Evi Quaid blew up their spot big time. It’s tough managing a covert ring of highly-skilled (although apparently not that skilled since Randy and Evi Quaid are still alive to the best of my understanding, UNLESS the Star-Whackers killed them and replaced them with look-alikes until the dust settles?) with so much attention focused on you, so it’s only natural that the Star-Whackers would try and keep things low-key until the Randy and Evi Quaid storm blew over. (Naturally, Randy and Evi Quaid, already targets of the Star-Whackers, are now what is called “Super Targets.”) But that’s the other thing about the Star-Whackers: they whack stars. They can only remain dormant for so long before another star needs a whacking. Their latest victim appears to be Susan Sarandon. I know, right? From ONTD:

During a Sunday Q&A session at the Tribeca Film Festival, Sarandon and documentary filmmaker Michael Moore were asked by an audience member if they believe the government has them under surveillance.

“We know we’re under surveillance,” Sarandon, 65, said according to the Daily Mail. “I’ve had my phone tapped.” She added, “I was denied a security clearance to go to the White House and I don’t know why.”

You were denied a security clearance to go to the White House because what if you got Star Whacked in the oval office? That would be terrible for Barack Obama. (There are three things you learn when you are sworn in as president: the secrets of Area 53, where the Presidents’ Book of Secrets is kept, and that the Star Whackers are real.) Or even worse, what if a trigger happy Star Whacker accidentally murders the President when he or she is trying to murder Susan Sarandon? No. It’s best for everybody if you just put tinfoil on your head and move to Canada. Good luck!

Comments (13)
  1. The President’s book of Secrets sounds exciting until you realize it’s just Gerald Ford’s book of knock-knock jokes

    • Knock knock
      Who’s there ?
      Gerald Ford
      Gerald Ford who ?
      Candygram
      What ?
      Land shark
      A land shark ?
      No…I;m really Chevy Chase and you’re not (then Chevy falls down)

      That Chevy…pure comic gold.
      For more Chevy Chase watch “Community” on Thursdays at 8pm on NBC

  2. The government is TRYING to get Michael Moore under surveillance, but he managed to find an apartment that just happens to be situated in a Gap in their surveillance system.

  3. turns, out Susan, the first lady was not a fan of The Banger Sisters.

  4. I think she might be living in a Time Warp.

  5. Sounds like she just dosed with Roger Sterling.

  6. So “Star Whackers” is NOT a celebrity porn site ?
    Well that’s $20 I’ll never see again and I think I just put out a HIT on Amanda Bynes.
    My bad…

  7. Ugh, Whatever. Gabe’s just mad His Phone isn’t Tapped.

    Gabe: “Hello?”
    Also Gabe: “Oh Hi Gabe, How Are You?”
    G: “I am well. I am going to take my dog, Birdie, for a walk. Remember when I named her Pepsi Bird?”
    AG: “I do not recall that situation, I’ll have to take your word for it. Go, take the dog for a walk, but before you go, can I speak to birdie?”
    G: “Sure!, I’ll get her!”


    Still Gabe: “Rerro Gabe! Rut’s Rup?”
    AG: “I know it’s just you trying to talk like a dog.”
    G, AG and SG Hang Up

  8. So, generally speaking, you’re OK with the surveillance state we’ve morphed into? In fact, just a month ago, there was a hearing at the Southern District court in NYC in which lots of lovely things came out with respect to the recent NDAA – such as classifying Occupy protesters as terrorists & detaining investigative reporters without charge…

    Given their history, I have no doubt that Susan Sarandon & Michael Moore have probably been under surveillance at some time. As someone with friends who are seriously involved with Occupy, I can confirm that they are under constant surveillance.

  9. T t t t t t t t tap me

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