I have to imagine that, often, committing a crime seems like a much better idea to the crime-committer at the time the crime is being committed, than it does to the crime-committer after the crime is committed. Like when you thought it would really show the other’s school’s football team who’s boss if you spray-painted your school’s football logo onto their football field, in front of all of the cameras in the stadium. Or when you decided that it wasn’t necessarily stealing if you stole tiny frog figurines from the local head shop because they probably don’t even make a lot of money for them, and, really, people probably don’t even buy them so it’s better for SOMEONE to have them than no one, but then you make friends with the owner and hear about her monetary hardships and you realize that you don’t even LIKE the frog figurines. Or like when you murder someone, probably? Also any other crime. ALSO: When you and your buddies get drunk and decide to go to Sea World and steal a penguin.

Obviously breaking into Sea World and swimming with the dolphins and then taking a penguin home sounds perfect. That is a dream date, basically, especially if the penguin has been treated cruelly and you and your crush are trying to rescue it. But the part where the guy says he got scared the next day and just, like, threw the penguin in a creek? ARE YOU SERIOUS, DUDE? He could have at least brought it to Sea World wearing face putty and said he FOUND it in a creek. I’m starting to doubt that these young men ever loved that penguin at all! When, I mean IF, IF I ever steal a penguin I’m going to treat it much better than this. I’m coming, buddies! (Via VVV.)

Comments (15)
  1. “He could have at least brought it to Sea World wearing face putty and said he FOUND it in a creek With a potato chip bag on its head.”

    fixed.

  2. Man, that Florida accent is annoying.

  3. You’re in Australia, dude. Just say the penguin was on Walkabout when you found him.

  4. Why wasn’t this news report narrated by Morgan Freeman again?

    • he was busy FUCKING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER, because once you find out that he FUCKED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER, then the only context you can imagine Morgan Freeman in THE CONTEXT OF FUCKING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER

  5. Dreamworks Pictures just announced that Happy Feet 3 will be “based on a true story”

  6. “Filming this crime spree was the best idea we ever had!” — Jimbo Jones.

  7. I am pretty sure Australia is a giant prison continent (history FACT) so, like, basically, find me the penguin they didn’t steal.

  8. You know what this story reminds me of? Saturday morning, when one of my neighbors went into the laundry room and stole half my clothes out of the dryer. I am still mentally unable to wrap my head around this one, to be honest. It is easier to imagine how someone decides to break into SeaWorld, or becomes a terrorist, or votes against marriage. What’s the brain like that thinks, “Awesome. Free underpants! Hope they fit!”

    • What you didn’t realize is that he didn’t want to keep your clothes – he just threw them in the garbage. He did it because (a) he was mad at you / doesn’t like you or (b) thought it would be a funny prank. It was also much easier to pull off than breaking in to seaworld because he lives there and pretty much knew whether anybody would see him do it.

      See, not that hard to wrap your head around. You’re welcome!

  9. Totally true: a third grader stole a penguin from our zoo on a school field trip. Put the little guy in his backpack, got on the school bus, went back to school, and went home. Mom opened the backpack and saw the stunned penguin and immediately called the zoo. The zookeeper she talked to said to put the penguin in the freezer and they’d be over in an hour to pick him up.

    SHOULDA PUT THE LITTLE GUY IN THE FREEZER. That would have been the perfect crime.

  10. In case you couldn’t tell through all the Australian accents, those guys that stole the penguin were lorries. Shame the penalty for stealing hasn’t been deportation to Australia for nearly 150 years – maybe they thought since they were already here, they’d get off scot-free?

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