Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Oh, you know
Kelly: Nothing. Wondering if it’s going to rain today. What’s up with you?
Gabe: nothing much
Gabe: just sitting here
Gabe: wishing someone
Gabe: would invent technology
Gabe: that we could know whether it would rain or not
Kelly: HAH
Kelly: All right
Kelly: Good luck with that
Gabe: now that we’ve successfully created photorealistic dinosaurs
Gabe: in Jurassic Park III: The Lost World
Gabe: it’s time to turn our technological attentions
Gabe: towards the rain
Gabe: so that you can GET BACK TO WORK
Kelly: UGH GABE I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SMALL TALK YOU ARE SO DIFFICULT

Gabe: if you’ve got time to small talk you’ve got time to clean
Kelly: Is that a quote from Downton Abbey
Gabe: IN THIS ECONOMY
Kelly: Well I really wanted to ease you into this
Kelly: But The Bachelor, your favorite dating show for white people
Kelly: Is currently the subject of a class-action lawsuit
Gabe: oh no, is it ok?
Gabe: is the show ok?
Kelly: I’m sure the show will be fine, don’t worry
Gabe: ok phew
Kelly: It’s just in a little bit of hot water right now because there has never been a non-white Bachelor
Gabe: are you sure?
Gabe: just kidding
Kelly: And two football players are claiming that their interviews to be The Bachelors were not taken as seriously as their white counterparts
Gabe: i really hope that these tapes are entered into the public record as evidence
Gabe: in the case of Football vs. The Bachelors
Gabe: i want to see their interviews
Gabe: these incredible interviews of two wonderful bachelors
Gabe: who were denied finding TRUE LOVE because of the color of their skin
Kelly: Their chance for a happy life was taken away
Gabe: their one and best chance
Gabe: i am sure they are right that The Bachelor has some deep racial bias
Gabe: although i didn’t know you were allowed to sue a TV show for that
Gabe: if that were the case, The Bachelor might be a little lower on the list
Kelly: Right, which really does make the part about their interviews
Kelly: And how sure they are that if they were not black they would be in a loving marriage right now
Kelly: Really the important part of the whole thing
Kelly: Not that it isn’t just nice to point out that a show is racist
Gabe: well, a) i don’t think you can sue a TV show for being racist
Gabe: and b) if you COULD sue a TV show for being racist
Gabe: the winning argument isn’t necessarily
Gabe: “because if it wasn’t, I would be on it”
Gabe: like, if the show wasn’t racist maybe SOMEONE black would be on it
Gabe: but is it for sure these two?

Kelly: It is certainly a very presumptuous lawsuit
Gabe: i hope these poor guys put a link to the deadline article about their lawsuit
Gabe: on their OK Cupid profile
Gabe: HEY LADIES, CHECK OUT THESE TWO CATCHES
Gabe: two very cool single dudes full of confidence
Gabe: “I like long walks on the beach and frivolous lawsuits.”
Kelly: Hahah, aww
Kelly: Now I feel bad for them
Kelly: Not because of racists but because they’re lonely :(
Gabe: awww
Gabe: maybe you should MARRY THEM
Gabe: just make sure the chapel has wifi
Gabe: because you used up all your sick days
Kelly: Oh sure, I wouldn’t have tried to ask for the day off.
Kelly: It needs wifi anyway so you can Skype in
Kelly: To when I marry two football players
Gabe: “how did you three meet?”
Gabe: “I read about their lawsuit on the Internet”
Gabe: “and looked them up on Orkut”
Kelly: “The Bachelor really DOES work.”
Kelly: Do you know what they want from this lawsuit?
Gabe: to end racial discrimination in America one reality show at a time just kidding?
Gabe: they’re suing for a rose, yes?

Gabe: damages: one rose
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: also wait
Gabe: HOW IS IT TWO PEOPLE
Gabe: there is only one bachelor anyway?
Kelly: That will be a funny predicament
Kelly: Once they win the lawsuit
Gabe: how would the judge decide who to give the rose to?!
Kelly: DOY THEY WOULD LISTEN TO THEIR HEART
Gabe: just cut the rose in half
Gabe: and the true black bachelor
Gabe: would say not to
Kelly: Oooh right, that’s good.
Kelly: The true Black Bachelor will understand
Kelly: that winning half of a judge’s rose is not enough for a happy life
Gabe: by the power vested in me by the state of courtroom i now pronounce you the black bachelor. you may kiss the rose.
Kelly: Amen

Comments (33)
  1. Upon kissing the rose, the two plaintiffs began to feel “strange,” and discovered that, when it snows, their eyes became large.

  2. more like Racist Downer Jr.

  3. Maybe you guys could do Hunt For the Worst Movie of All Time Friendly Chats.

    • And while you’re at it, a daily “Here are some Afternoon Links to Worst Movie of All Time Posts” feature would be nice.

      I’m not saying you should do it, I’m just saying it would be nice.

      • At least a “What’s Up With the Hunt For the Worst Movie of All Time?” would let us know what is happening.

        Also, Eat, Pray, Love is still shitty is syndication.

  4. I wonder how this affects the single pharmaceutical rep lady community that got into the business (pharma rep turned Bachelor contestant) *specifically* to meet pro football players in a competition for love. My guess is that the effect is rather negative to the community as a whole. And upon learning that the show has been on the air for 23 seasons (!!), that is actually a rather large community to be affected as such.

    Sorry ladies, I guess you’ll have to peddle your wares to lonely doctors instead.

  5. The reason there haven’t been any black bachelors on the show isn’t because the show is racist. It’s because America is racist and a producer’s job is to get ratings.

  6. I haven’t seen any Prime Ministers on the show either. #TheThatchelor

  7. I’ll but they get a runaway jury who awards punitive damages of an entire boquet.

  8. So will the Black Bachelor just be Seal singing Kiss From A Rose for an hour every week? I would dvr that so bad

  9. More like Racist Downer Jr.

  10. More like Racist Downer Jr.

  11. I’m a racist downer, junior!

  12. The Bachelor has a picture of a black person in their wallet – case closed!

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