Is there anything worse than when someone invites you to their home for what you think is going to be a nice holiday party with friends and/or family, and treats, and drinks, and talking, and then you realize what they’re inviting you to is actually a White Elephant party? Where no one is going to have any fun for, like, HOURS? And you feel obligated to go anyway? The answer is yes, obviously there are worse things, but — are there?! Howie Mandel is going to have a game show about that. That terrible game that no one likes. From EW:

In Howie Mandel’s White Elephant, six contestants will select one package from an assortment of wrapped gifts containing millions of dollars in prizes. Using strategy, luck, and good guessing, contestants will decide whether or not to steal prizes that have been previously revealed, or gamble that the item in their unopened box is worth more. The contestant with the least valuable prize at the end of every round is eliminated.

I mean, certainly this is a fine idea for a game show. It sounds like a game show and people will watch it and maybe they will even try to be on the game show if they are in the LA area on vacation, and everyone will have a good time. Everyone excluding us, obviously, because first of all we don’t like game shows in general and second of all especially not ones hosted by Howie Mandel that are WHITE ELEPHANT based! Right? That’s what WE think? All of us the same? Great. Because that’s the case, obviously we should play our OWN game about other terrible elements of holiday parties that Howie Mandel should host a game show about, if he loves terrible elements of parties so much!

  • A game where someone gives you a gift, and you don’t have a gift for them. And the gift they give you is pretty thoughtful and you can tell they figured you’d be getting them a gift, too, not because they NEED a gift but because that’s the kind of friendship they thought you guys had. And it is! You should’ve gotten them a gift!
  • A game where you took the last few of some sort of food item and then other people couldn’t have any, but then you can’t finish what you took and people notice.
  • A game where you drink too much.
  • A game where the party is so boring and you really want to leave, and then right before you make your exit the host says, “I’m just so glad you’re here,” and you can tell that they really mean it.
  • A game where your significant other’s ex is at the party and it’s like, ugh, why are they here? They don’t even live near here.
  • A game where you don’t have anyone to talk to.
  • A game where you’re hosting a party and invited a vegetarian who recently turned vegan and they’re like, “Are these cookies vegan?” And you have to be like, “Oh no, I’m sorry, I didn’t make any vegan cookies.” And they say, “Oh…that’s fine.” And you have to seem sorry, but in you’re head you’re thinking, “You probably shouldn’t expect people to make vegan cookies at their holiday parties for JUST you, YOU JERK.”

Right? Howie Mandel should host some of THOSE shows!

Comments (34)
  1. A game where instead of gifts, there is money in each package. And instead of packages, they would be briefcases.

  2. I hope he washes his hands after handling all those packages.

  3. Steal or No Steal

  4. Does “Oh Sit!” have a host yet?

  5. Howie Mandel makes ONE contestant wear a helmet and kneepads to a skating party, even though none of the other contestants have to wear them and it’s totally gonna make them look like a dork in front of their friends!

  6. A game where Howie Mandel pees in a bottle of apple juice.

  7. “I think I’d like to trade this package of $100,000 for Joe’s DVD box set of Bobby’s World.”

  8. At least there is some actual gamesmanship to this. Deal or No Deal was basically pick a number and now let’s eat up a half hour.

    • Even better was the Deal Or No Deal videogame. They couldn’t even be bothered with a random number generator, so there were predetermined scenarios, and you stand no chance of winning anything other than the most dubious of bragging rights.

  9. I don’t know why but that image made me flashback to 2000 with that website Fat Chicks In Party Hats

  10. A game where you’re hosting a party and no one shows so you think ‘Great, no one likes me and I am the worst’ and eat half of the cake you made and drink a bottle of wine, but then people actually do come, just two hours late, because everyone you know apparently hates punctuality.

    • People think that the worst thing to have happen when you host a party is that nobody will show up. This is not correct. As it turns out, the worst thing that can happen is that exactly one person shows up. Then it’s suuuuuper awkward, because you both know that nobody else showed up, and they’re too polite to leave even though you can tell they really want to, and you’re both trying your best to avoid the elephant that isn’t in the room because even the elephant didn’t bother to show up.

      I mean, I’m GUESSING that’s what it would be like.

      • From the guest’s perspective, it is also awkward to arrive to a party a week late, and have the would be host be too nice to ask you to leave even though you suspect he actually wants you to leave. But you can’t quite tell and you already accidentally blew him off last week so it’s maybe better to stick around? Then you try to discretely find anything Emily Post has to say on that subject but dammit no luck. Maybe just sit on the couch and try to be inconspicuous.

  11. How about a game where you drink too much and you need to throw up, but there is a line for the bathroom and sink full of dishes in the kitchen and so your drunken logic tells you to run out of the apartment into a cold December night and kind of run halfway down the block, but all the physical activity just gives you a case of the dry heaves and so you decide to go back upstairs to the party, but the door locked behind you and no one is answering and now you don’t have a jacket and you were sweating from the running so now you are shivering and then when someone finally hears the buzzer they come downstairs and just when they open the door your body remembers to throw up and you do, right on the host?

    Good game.

  12. A game where you get invited to a party you don’t really want to go to, but you have to because of friend/family obligations, so you try to drag along someone with you but they smartly decline, and you’re stuck at a horrible party filled with people you don’t like or care about. Then you have to make small talk and at least stick around for two hours so you don’t seem rude, even though it’s just a social obligation and in a way you’d rather be rude and leave so you never have to deal with any of these people again, but you’re not bold enough, so you just sit there in a corner until you eventually leave.

  13. A game where you put car keys in a glass jar when you arrive. Then at the end of the night you fish out one set of keys and whoever those keys belong to is the person you’re spending the night with (sexually!). Twist is that every set of keys belong to Howie Mandel.

  14. A game where you sit around and watch Little Monsters. That’s it. That’s the fucking game. You already won by playing the game.

  15. A game where you see how long you can insist that you’d really rather not dance before someone pulls you forcefully onto the dance-floor saying, “You’ll have fun! Don’t be embarrassed!” Bonus points if they don’t call you a party pooper when you shuffle away after the next song.

    (Seriously, it’s not that I’m embarrassed. I just genuinely don’t enjoy dancing. And yes, people do still use the term ‘party pooper’.)

    • The bonus round is where you’re standing at the edge of the dance floor and one person keeps trying to dance AT you to get you to join and you just smile awkwardly and they start kind of grabbing you to pull you onto the dance floor but you don’t want to be rude but you really don’t want to dance. you win if you can make it through without dancing.

      • I swear to god, this even happens when I’m sitting down having a conversation with the other non-dancers. Someone danced into my face once they were so determined. INTO MY FACE.

        • I’m not even biased towards this thought because of truckasaurus’s avatar, but reading these three comments immediately made me think of Liz Lemon problems/comedy fodder. Good stuff!

  16. A game where a really cute girl invites you to a party and you’re sort of on the fence because, on the one hand, “hey, a cute girl invited me to a party. Good sign,” but you also don’t know anyone else there so are you just going to be, like, hanging onto her the whole, entire time and look desperate? But then, you’re like, “surely, I’ll meet some other cool people there and it’ll be alright,” but then you’re like “won’t I?” and then you realize you’re really just going for a chance to hook up with a cute girl which probably won’t even happen so you end up staying home watching Hulu.

    And then you win a prize or whatever.

    • Alternate ending: Or you bring a rolled amount of ‘oregano’ with you to entertain yourself, end up going to the party anyways. The ending is technically identical, but it takes more time and more awkward conversations to get there.

  17. A game where people are asked to make a caption for a picture of a sad Robert Downey Jr. and everyone’s entry must be “More like Robert Downer Jr.” or they are electrocuted.

  18. A game where you hang out with your significant other’s relatives and they all clearly have their own family drama but you don’t really know the details but you can just tell it’s kinda awkward when people say certain things and usually at your own family’s holiday parties there’s lots more alcohol so you can at least have a drink but your significant other’s family doesn’t drink or if they do there’s like one bottle of crappy wine and so you have a glass but clearly you finish it before anyone else does and there’s only like half a glass left in the bottle and you feel like a real jerk for kind of needing that last half glass? Good game. I play every year.

    • Alternate ending: your boyfriend tells you that you are going to have dinner with his parents and that you look fine even though you are wearing sweatpants and a shirt that says “Barn to be Wild” with farm animals drinking martinis on it, and are hungover and haven’t showered and you think it’s okay because his parents love you and you’ve met them a billion times, but then it turns out he is taking you to his cousin’s engagement party with about 30 of his extended family members all dressed very nicely and runs off to see his uncle as soon as you get there without introducing you to anyone and everybody thinks you wandered in off the street for a couple of hours until his parents show up. The winner gets to withold sex for a couple of weeks.

  19. A game where you try not to yell at a series of family members as they say ignorant things about homosexuals and Obama.

  20. A game where you have to explain to a grandparent what a Kindle is.

  21. A game where you go to a party reluctantly, but end up having a good time anyway, and meet some cool new people one of which tells you that he works on Sesame Street. You think that’s the coolest thing ever, and they give lots of fun details about working there and eventually you leave the party and think, “wow that was a fun party”.

    Then about a week later you’re at the Met (museum) and you pay your entrance donation and the guy behind the counter is the guy that’s supposed to work on Sesame Street, and you say “Hey, didn’t I meet you at that party the other night?” and he says “No.”

    Then after a day of wondering through the museum you see the guy again in the hall and he literally runs away from you.

    I’ve only played that game once, but it was memorable.

  22. A game where the winner is the first person to figure out that he or she can turn it into THAT kind of party. The name of the show is “Mashed Potatoes.”

  23. But actually, I just thought up a neat idea for a game show / reality show hybrid on the Discovery Channel. Each week people play a cheaply-executed mock-up of an existing game show format for modest prizes. But the real draw is color commentary from a panel consisting of a psychologist, mathematician, and a Charlie Rose-caliber guest, like Martin Amis or some shit. They stop the action and discuss the probabilities and psychological tendencies inherent in the task at hand. Then, the contestant basically “wins” if the panel thinks he or she is smart and “loses” if they are gently mocked for blowing it.

    This would totally work in a mythbusters sort of way, and I just invented it right here on Nerdgum.

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