At this point, I’m sure that Hollywood remake news is so much a part of all of our beings that we hardly even need anyone to tell us when it’s happening. Did you feel it when you woke up this morning? “Remake news is coming,” did you say? To your girlfriend? Who just didn’t get it, because she NEVER does? Well gchat her right now and let her know that you were right, and that it’s not just any remake news — it’s SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH REMAKE NEWS! From Deadline:

Sabrina The Teenage Witch is getting a makeover at Sony Pictures. The precocious teen witch who originated in 60s Archie Comics, is being recast as a superhero. The live action film will be an origin story in the vein of Spider-Man, about a young girl coming to terms with her remarkable powers.

Well we obviously have to play some sort of game about this, but what game!? I only wish that — well, I wish two things. I wish either that Sabrina the Teenage Witch could use her superhero (?) powers to decide which game we should play, or I wish I that I were Sabrina the Teenage Witch for a lot of reasons, mainly so I could just be ready for the day with a point of my finger, like in the TV show, but also so I could Sabrina the Teenage Witch this game into existence. How about this: We all play whatever game we want! We can do it, we’re ADULT witches. Here is my game:

How will Sabrina the Teenage Witch come to terms with her remarkable powers, finally?

  • After casting a spell that solved a crime, she will look in the mirror and realize that her mascara was smeared the whole time and she’ll think, “Even though I’m a superhero witch, I’m STILL the same ol’ Sabrina.”
  • She will help one of the popular girls at school get out of a rough jam and then the popular girl will still be a little mean to her, but with a wink.
  • Salem the cat still has that classic ‘tude.
  • She’ll do the spell that gets her dressed in the morning but her skirt will be tucked into her tights in the back, and she’ll think, “Aw man, can’t have it all!”
  • Her parents do not accept her, but they do like the superhero version, and she decides that that’s enough — it’s the best relationship she’s going to have with them, so she might as well enjoy it. And the superhero Sabrina hangs out with her parents, and they have no idea it’s her. And it is very sad.

Yay! Please feel free to play my game, or cast a spell of your own game, or do nothing! SABRINAAAAAAAA!

Comments (42)
  1. There is only room for one teen witch in my heart, and no Sabrina reboot could ever… cannot top that.

  2. What if she goes to a new school and meets a bunch of cool outcast girls who are secretly witches and then they all start messing around with spells but it goes horribly awry and she needs to defeat her former friends in order to restore balance in the world?

  3. Will Hollywood start a cycle of reboots of Melissa Joan Hart movies?

    Clarissa Explains it All? Drive Me Crazy? Can’t Hardly Wait?

  4. Sabrina takes a dip in the pool and as she floats along the water she notices bread, apples, very small rocks, cider, gravy, cherries, mud, churches, Lead! and a duck floating alongside her. That’s the moment she comes to terms with being made out of wood, and is therefore, a witch.

  5. She will basically realize that being the whore of Beelzebub isn’t all that bad because at least she HAS a boyfriend.

  6. I wanna play hangman:

    _ _ _ _ _ _ _

  7. There has to be some sort of save the coven plot where some anonymously evil adult force is trying to shut down the teenagers’ coven (which just kept them out of trouble, why don’t adults ever understand us???) and then they have to cast spells that protect the coven and keep the adults out. Eventually, Sabrina also uses some super strength or something to fling an adult across a street in a hammer toss style.

  8. looks like Sony Pictures has updated their talking cat technology and is looking for a reason to use it!

  9. I look forward to Andy Serkis taking on the role of Salem.

  10. Don’t Trust the W—- in Apartment 2W!

  11. Big Brooms Inc. asked Sabrina to make a movie about what it means to #usebrooms

    Instead of making their movie she used the entire budget to become a teenage witch superhero and make a *different* movie about coming to terms with an “enchanted” new life.

    This is that movie.

  12. I just hope that, at the perfect moment, the screen-writer gives all the “real fans” a little inside joke by writing the following scene: Sabrina – sighs to her self (thinking of all the yuck-filled-calamities of her school week) looks at the class-room-clock and exclaims: “TGIF!”

  13. Apparently in this update Sabrina will be an alien, not a witch. And Salem is being replaced by the War Horse.

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