Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: how’s it going?
Gabe: did you have fun last night at the videogum birthday party?
Kelly: It’s going well! I did have fun last night at the Videogum birthday party. It was a very good time and I even took home a cupcake and just ate it right before this chat.
Kelly: Did you have fun?
Gabe: sure
Kelly: That doesn’t sound very convincing
Gabe: sure i did
Kelly: That’s closer
Gabe: oh hold on
Gabe: SURE
Gabe: how’s that? better?
Kelly: Oooook, that sounds even less convincing then before.
Gabe: you know what, forget it, i can’t live my life trying to figure out what YOU find convincing
Gabe: with your weird rules
Gabe: and impossible expectations
Kelly: Someone sounds like he needs to eat one of the leftover cupcakes.
Gabe: someone sounds like he ate 2 a few minutes ago

Kelly: Good!
Gabe: no, it was great
Gabe: very fun
Kelly: haha, good
Gabe: jesus, GET OFF MY BACK
Gabe: can i live?
Kelly: You may live, we all had fun, we have fun.
Gabe: speaking of people who live and have fun
Gabe: (segue)
Gabe: arnold schwarzenegger needs your help
Gabe: he’s writing his memoirs, but he doesn’t remember what happened
Kelly: Oh no!
Gabe: and he wants his biggest fans, namely you
Kelly: omg
Gabe: to come up with suggestions for what he should write about
Kelly: omgomgomgomgomg
Kelly: That’s great news!
Gabe: that’s exactly what i would call it
Gabe: “great news”
Kelly: There are so many specific events in his life that I like, know about?
Kelly: But that I don’t know everything I WANT to know about
Kelly: So this is a perfect opportunity
Gabe: like what?
Gabe: what’s a story you want to hear more about?
Kelly: Well I want to know if there were any behind the scenes pranks during the movie where he was pregnant, primarily.

Gabe: here’s what i want to know:
Gabe: how pissed were you that 9/11 delayed the release of Collateral Damage
Gabe: and who’s your favorite steroid, living or dead
Kelly: WHOA
Kelly: Those are pretty good, maybe you should take the front seat in working with him and his fans on this bio
Gabe: i guess my other question would be
Gabe: if you don’t know what to write your memoirs about
Gabe: have you ever considered not writing your memoirs?
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: Please, Gabe
Kelly: And keep all of his great stories that he can’t even remember to HIMSELF?
Kelly: He’s a lot of things, but a selfish man he is not. I think that’s clear.
Kelly: The fact that his fans need to provide him with the stories they want to hear from him is just a slight bump in the road
Gabe: which road is that again?
Gabe: the road to Great Booksville?
Kelly: Right to the three-for-one table at Barnes and Noble
Gabe: i feel like every asshole in the world writes a memoir at this point
Gabe: so it MAKES SENSE for him to write one
Gabe: GET IT?
Gabe: but
Gabe: why doesn’t he know what it should be about?
Gabe: Stay Tuned For My Next Move And Also Tell Me What My Next Move Is
Kelly: Maybe he is aware enough to realize that there is nothing in his life that really warrants a memoir at this point, but not aware enough to realize that other people know that too
Kelly: A sad place to be in, really
Kelly: Poor Arnold Scharzenegger
Gabe: aww
Gabe: poor guy

Kelly: :’(
Gabe: The Saddest Story Ever Crowdsourced
Gabe: that will be the name of his memoir
Kelly: That is beautiful
Gabe: search for it at your global e-bookseller’s
Gabe: it’s right next to
Gabe: I’m Fired: The Kelly Conaboy Story
Kelly: :’(
Kelly: I am a little less mad at Arnold Scharzenegger for crowdsourcing his memoir, though, than I am at writers who
Kelly: like
Kelly: ask their twitter followers for information rather than looking for it themselves
Gabe: haha, who are you following on Twitter?
Kelly: I’m not going to name names, Gabe
Kelly: But PEOPLE
Kelly: At least in his case he probably just legitimately cannot think of anything to write about from his own life, and maybe thinks that it is only because he is too close to the source?
Kelly: Right?
Gabe: i feel like you are being VERY generous towards Arnold Schwarzenegger’s thought process
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt
Kelly: before we start on this project together.
Gabe: “I’ve got a great memoir in me, but perhaps I’m too close to the source. What’s importnat is that the book is as good as possible, and perhaps to achieve that I need some distance.”
Kelly: Classic Arnold
Gabe: i feel like it was a little bit more like
Gabe: and/or
Kelly: Hahah, right.
Kelly: or
Kelly: I was hired as a ghost writer and it is proving more difficult than I expected
Gabe: seriously
Gabe: the fact that he’s so obviously not going to write the book himself
Gabe: but can’t be bothered to help someone else write the book for him
Gabe: and is even outsourcing that part of the process
makes this book One 2 Watch
Kelly: That is 4 sure
Gabe: but not 2 read

Comments (27)
  1. Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story is a terrible title. There are so many quotes and film titles for him to go with other than ‘Total Recall,’ especially considering his crisis with his own memory.

    BNPG? BNPG. #ArnoldAutobiographyTitles

    It’s Not A Tumor, It’s My Illegitimate Child, and Other True Life Stories

    • “Total Recall” is a pretty ironic title for this considering he can’t remember enough about his own life to write a memoir without the help of strangers.

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    • Eraser: If Only

    • Who Needs A Frigid Wife Anyway?
      You can probably figure out what movie that’s from.

  2. “I Blacked Out, Slept With My Housekeeper: And All I Got Was This Lousy Memoir…Oh, and That Kid, (and Other Stories)” by Arnold Schwarzenegger

  3. Oooh! I know! He can write his memoirs about the time he and Jesse Ventura and Carl Weathers rode around in a van with their great dane solving mysteries which at first glance seemed supernatural, but always turned out to be old man predator wearing a mask.

  4. Crowdsourcing is my biggest pet peeve in the world when it comes to fake journalism 2.0. If you can’t do your own research, you should find another goddamn profession like being governor or a shitty movie star.

    • I disagree. I crowdsourced this comment, for instance, by asking two third-graders sitting next to me on the crosstown bus. I hope Arnold likes his new book, titled “Who is Arnold Salamander? He sounds like a poophead.”

      • Asking children on a bus something to help you make a joke comment is one thing, continuously putting messages on your Twitter of Facebook feed or blog that you need a bunch of people (usually your followers and fans) to help you write an article about something is totally different and something I see at least 30 times a day by a ton of journalists and writers.

        Even putting something up on Craiglist asking for people to be interviewed for something takes slightly more effort and is more honest in its approach… because you’re at least interviewing people (like you did with your “kids” on your “bus”). And since my guess is that you’re straight-up lying, you didn’t crowdsource this comment at all.

        Also my back hurts and I need a nap and those damn kids need to stay the hell off my lawn.

  5. “Hey Kevin. Did you hear that former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing his memoirs? It’s supposed to come out in two editions: one will be in paperback and the other in I’ll-be-back.” — Jay Leno

    “Ha ha! You right, Jay. You right.” — Kevin Eubanks

  6. Everyone’s overlooking the incredible Videogum: Everywhere opportunity we’re being given here, to convince Arnold to publish a story in his memoir that actually happened to Gwyneth Paltrow.

    • “I was sitting on the set of the motion picture Twins, when my esteemed co-star, Daniel Michael DeVito, Jr., asked me how I kept my skin looking so fresh. I told him that I used Boots’ own line, No.7, and their range of high-quality cosmetics, moisturizers and cleansers. The makeup is pretty great, as is the selection of daytime and nighttime moisturizers. Also, check out their illuminator, which gives a subtle pearly glow.”

  7. Birthplace: Australia.

  8. Did anyone else read every comment on this thread out loud, to themselves, in a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger accent?

    No? Nobody? Just me?

    That’s cool, I guess.

  9. I can picture it now… “This is the part of my life when I was born. And this is the part when I grew muscles. You can see the muscles are very large. This is the part where I was in the movies.”

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