Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Not a lot, same as ever
Kelly: Anything up with you?
Gabe: thank you so much for asking
Gabe: no
Kelly: Oh
Kelly: Well, you’re welcome.
Gabe: mostly i have just spent the whole day
Gabe: staring at that photo
Gabe: of someone aggressively dunking a donut
Gabe: into a cup of coffee and splashing it everywhere
Kelly: Oh yeah I saw that photo
Kelly: Very intense, it must have been a very full cup of coffee
Gabe: that person (you?) needs to relax (is it you in the photo?)
Kelly: (to be honest, I had to ask myself that when I saw it too. I don’t think so though, only because my nails are much longer.)
Kelly: Is it ok if we spend the whole chat talking about that photo or do we have to talk about something else?
Kelly: Did you see that photo at a capital one bank?
Gabe: I did see it at a Capital One Bank
Kelly: I pass a capital one every day and I have seen that photo, but I never noticed how intense it was until you pointed it out
Kelly: You’re like Jerry Seinfeld
Gabe: funny you should mention that
Gabe: because of how Jerry Stiller
Gabe: who played George’s dad on Seinfeld
Gabe: was a capital one spokesman recently
Gabe: this is just a great chat
Kelly: I’m learning a lot
Gabe: well, ok, see you around!
Gabe: thanks for the great chat!
Kelly: I already left! you’re saying goodbye to no one!

Kelly: So wait I’m still here are you
Gabe: why are you still talking to me?
Gabe: i feel like we covered everything
Kelly: We pretty much did but I forgot that I wanted to ask you when you wanted to go see Titanic 3D
Gabe: oh my god, you haven’t seen it yet?!
Gabe: hahah what a lame-o dork loser dork!
Gabe: everybody’s seen it already, kelly, you’re OUT
Kelly: oh nooo!!!!!
Kelly: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAW IT WITHOUT ME
Kelly: I’ll have to see it alone, the way it was MEANT to be seen.
Gabe: hahahaha
Gabe: i am not going to see Titanic 3D
Kelly: Why not
Gabe: because i do not like that movie, i think it’s a bad movie, and i saw it 100 years ago
Gabe: in many respects, it’s actually incredible that i even survived
Gabe: so long as to see a black Titanic 3D in my lifetime
Kelly: hahahaaaaaaaaaa
Gabe: BOOOOOO


Gabe: are you excited?
Gabe: as a WOMAN?
Kelly: As a woman I’ve already fainted about it and cannot even respond
Kelly: No, to be honest, Gabe, I’m not excited about it either.
Gabe: because you’re anti-love
Kelly: I’m anti-sadness
Kelly: And anti-3D
Kelly: Because the glasses
Gabe: but pro LEOOOOOOOO
Kelly: Obviously pro Leo, I have EYES and a HEART
Kelly: But I don’t really understand the need to re-release Titanic a million years later in 3D
Gabe: oh
Gabe: that’s an easy one
Gabe: it’s called
Gabe: HELLO, ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
Kelly: Right
Kelly: But WHEN ARE THE BILLIONS GOING TO RUN OUT?
Kelly: Like looking at what movies are in right now
Kelly: 21 Jump Street, Titanic 3D, The Lorax, American Reunion, and Mirror Mirror are in there
Kelly: and that’s just today
Kelly: and you know
Gabe: love it, hate it, love it, hate it, love it
Gabe: keep going
Gabe: yes?
Kelly: When are people going to stop paying for the same stories over and over again? EVER?
Gabe: well, you see, here is the rub
Gabe: everyone sees it as either/or
Gabe: the business people who are making these decisions
Gabe: seem to feel like the payoff from the sequel/reboot/franchises negates any value in doing much of anything else
Gabe: and the people who are “against” the sequels/reboots/franchises ignore the actual pleasure that people get from those things
Gabe: i love a good sequel!
Kelly: Sure but when is the last time you saw a good sequel?
Kelly: “hangover 2″
Gabe: and actually, i will say this, too: everyone who’s always complaining about how there are too many sequels and reboots and not enough original material are the same clowns who LOST THEIR PANTS last week when Will Ferrel said they were making Anchorman 3


Kelly: Are they, Gabe? ARE THEY?
Kelly: But I don’t really think that people complain about sequels
Kelly: Or, I should say
Kelly: The majority of people
Gabe: not real people
Gabe: right, no
Kelly: Because there are people who complain about everything
Gabe: human beings don’t
Gabe: just BLOGGERS or whatever
Kelly: Yeah
Gabe: but it is a confusing argument on both sides
Gabe: like, i totally understand why Hollywood makes sequels: because they tend to make a ton of money and Hollywood is a business
Kelly: Yes
Gabe: but you can also make fun, really good and interesting stuff for much less money
Gabe: and that is obviously, to people like you and I, totally worth it
Kelly: Right
Gabe: and you don’t have to spend $250 million John Carter style
Gabe: but even John Carter is confusing to me
Kelly: I think John Carter is confusing to everyone
Gabe: for example, did you know that between the domestic and foreign box office
Kelly: It made $10?
Gabe: John Carter has already earned back its exorbitant production cost?
Gabe: no
Gabe: it made $250 million
Kelly: No way, really?
Gabe: yes
Kelly: I actually did NOT know that!
Gabe: but it’s considered one of the greatest flops of all time
Gabe: so, i am just confused
Gabe: like, how does that work?
Gabe: i understand that i was the only one who saw it in the theater (true story, there was no one there)
Gabe: but from an economic standpoint
Gabe: it’s at the very least a wash
Kelly: Yeah that’s not too bad at all, congratulations to John Carter.
Kelly: Especially with that information, I have no idea how it all works.
Gabe: the other thing, though, is that it’s actually probably not even close to as big of a problem as people like to complain that it is
Gabe: culturally speaking
Gabe: like, America likes tons of stupid, bad shit
Gabe: that’s just how it goes
Kelly: Right
Gabe: and we still got to watch Drive last year
Gabe: and The Trip


Kelly: Ugh, The Trip
Gabe: The Trip was wonderful
Gabe: don’t be an IDIOT
Kelly: Let’s not even get started on The Trip, Gabe.
Gabe: ugh, i can already tell this is going to be
Gabe: You Can Count On Me all over again!
Kelly: Oh and do NOT even get me started on You Can Count On Me and how genuine and wonderful and not full of impressions for what feels like 6 hours it is
Gabe: Bridesmaids
Gabe: there, are you happy now?
Kelly: phew, yes thank you
Kelly: But anyway yes, you’re right
Kelly: There are always good movies
Kelly: And even more than that, there are always small, bad movies
Gabe: no joke
Gabe: so many terrible passion projects
Kelly: And those terrible passion projects are probably more often worse than their terrible big-budget film counterparts
Kelly: If only because we expect more from them
Kelly: So what are we even complaining about
Gabe: and because we donated to their kickstarters
Gabe: just kidding
Kelly: So does all of this mean that you DO want to see Titanic 3D this weekend?
Gabe: I TOLD YOU EVERYONE ALREADY SAW IT, KELLY, LET IT GO

Comments (61)
  1. i think people have seen this and liked it, but what we need is a darker, edgier take on the material. like maybe Gabe could call Kelly a “bitch” at one point? and their names could be in black and gray instead of Blue and Red…you know, make it harder to really tell who is good and who is bad…..and it needs a firing.

  2. Kelly hates The Trip? That’s all I needed to know. #TeamGabe

  3. If John Carter takes in $250m at the box office, then Disney gets about 55% of that. Let’s say it cost $250m to make, and let’s say that all of that advertising you saw everywhere for it (how did that QR code get in my Disney Princess Cereal Bowl?) was absolutely free, then Disney will lose $110m. (Disney wrote off $200m, so I guess the advertising wasn’t free.)

    But! It’s only a flop because they spent so much to make it. It wasn’t our money they lost. And it didn’t cost us anything more than whatever we paid for our tickets ($0–I snuck in after watching Good Deeds).

    • How was Good Deeds?

    • Yeah, and also: Disney was counting on John Carter to not just be a wash, but to set itself up for sequels and merchandising and et cetera. So, even if JC(M) had just broken exactly even, Disney’s got to make a sequel on credit (maybe meaning that they’re going to end the next fiscal year with no money), and they’ve got to look at their estimated costs over the next two years with a big hole where they used to have “$3.5 million worth of John Carter Brand Martian lunch-pails sold by August 2012″, and they also have to listen to some smarmy executive insisting that they’d be $75 million dollars up right now if they’d just done a remake of Darby O’Gill and the Little People like he told them to, plus staring down the barrel of another $20 million dollars with Darby O’Gill Brand curly-toed shoes that the kids would all be crazy about getting in time for school to start in November.

    • (Incidentally: I also paid $0 tickets for John Carter, instead I got free advance screening tickets from the comic book store, where apparently they couldn’t GIVE the damn things away.)

      (Though, obviously, they could give them away to ME, but I think I was the only person who took them.)

      (Also: hey, how come they haven’t remade Darby O’Gill and the Little People, yet? Leprechauns are the new vampires.)

      • I’d watch the hell out of Darby O’Gill reboot. But I don’t think they could improve the Banshee.

        • You know, I said it as a joke (“What’s the most ridiculous thing in their catalog that Disney could possibly rebeoot?”), but now that I think about it, a Darby O’Gill reboot actually is probably a pretty good idea.

  4. Uhhh…what’s “The Trip”? (sorry)

  5. Kelly, The Trip was phenomenal. You owe Gabe an apology.

  6. When taking a donut to the rim (of your coffee mug), you come strong or you don’t come at all!

  7. Since Cameron changed that star field to please Neil Degrasse Tyson, do you think he’d listen to me if I encouraged him to alter Billy Zane’s character to The Phantom in every scene he’s in?

  8. I’m still surprised people are as willing to see movies in the theaters as they are. Why pay $15 for a movie (a 1 time viewing) but refuse to pay the same price for the DVD, and download it illegaly?

    • So, seriously, just how old does that comment make me sound?

    • It’s just a lot harder to commandeer a movie theater. You have to find a gang of dissolute lowlifes, assemble halfway matching outfits, decide on noms de guerre, and pick a theater to pirate (it’s so hard to get everyone to agree on one; one’s too far away from the guy in your gang that bikes everywhere, another has seats that lean too far back, etc.). It’s an ordeal.

  9. I am looking forward to the Full Metal Jacket remake: Full Metal Plaque-it

  10. I don’t get how people think there were no sequels or adaptations of other media before like a year ago, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, Gone With The Wind and The Wizard Of Oz were all adapted from books, remember those? They were like paper kindles

    • And the 1939 Wizard of Oz was actually the fourth or fifth film adaptation since the book was published.

      • Just one more Wizard of Oz film, and we’ll have to call it “The Wizard of Lb”

      • But speaking of Wizard of Oz and other public domain works (Grimm Fairy Tales, etc), today’s copyright laws can be so frustrating. Disney made billions off of the Grimms’ many stories which are now public domain, and will get all up in everyone’s business if a take on a Grimm Fairytale is similar to theirs. It’s the same source material!

        That and Disney copyright lobbyists (and other entertainment company lobbyists to a lesser degree ) are always trying to extend copyright terms. There is so much legal wrangling going on with the multiple Wizard of Oz things, to where Warner Bros is getting up in Disney’s and whoever else’s face about them encroaching on the 1939 film that they now own, with the accused saying they’re working off of the illustrations of the book by W.W. Denslow, and Warner’s is all like, “Well so is the stuff from the movie that we own so back off!” UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHFFFFUUUUUU-

        The mediums for entertainment are so super-incestuous. A book begat a movie which begat a musical that begat another movie that’s not a musical which begat a tv show which begat a video game which begat a trilogy of young adult novels which begat a billion dollar film franchise which begat and so on and so on.

        Die Hards 1, 2 & 3 were all adapted from cop/adventure books by different authors. Die Hard 3 was originally a Lethal Weapon script!

        Original or adapted films that spawn sequels or planned trilogies are fine with me (I’m pretty much fine with all of it, because if something doesn’t grab me I don’t give it money). Reboots bother me a bit, mainly due to the previous thing still being pretty fresh on the cultural landscape and usually the studio is making the film to retain ownership of the licensed material (Amazing Spider-Man is a good example). TV shows turned into movies are weird. 21 Jump Street basically took a premise (undercover cops in high school) and made it their own thing. The Brady Bunch films were being faithful while simultaneously lampooning their own source material by setting it in the present day. I’m just kind of rambling and I’ve lost the inspiration to actually come to a point or read through this wall of text for any spelling or grammatical errors, so I’m just going to say

        TL;DR

        • WHOOPS! I meant to post this. lol

          • Oh! Here’s a point: What bothers me about the constant regurgitation of the same stories is it feels like it makes all stories disposable. If a film is really good and said a lot about something and has the potential to become what is called “A Classic,” it’s getting harder and harder to suss them out to appreciate because it’s lost in the shuffle of all the remakes, prequels and reboots appearing not even five years after the initial release. Nothing gets digested properly and the only thing of importance that gets stressed and touted is brand recognition because familiarity equals dollars, even if the recognition is a negative one. “They still know what it is! They’re all already invested!” That is really gross.

            Disclaimer: I may have just made a total straw man argument. I did zero research.

          • Let’s look at comic books for example. All of DC & Marvel’s superhero books are CONSTANTLY retconning and rebooting because they need to keep their superheroes doing things on a monthly basis. Character growth is the enemy. They keep defaulting to their origin-stories-as-status-quo. This has been going on for over half a century. And now that DC and Marvel are owned by GIANT corporations that are kings of distribution into all markets, superhero comics by them are guaranteed to retread the same ground for years and years to come, unfettered by whatever copyright laws smashed to bits by Disney in the future. TRADEMARKED!

            Then take things like Warren Ellis’ Planetary, which follows three ‘Archaeologists of the Impossible,’ who are uncovering the secret history of the 20th century (translation: the characters are a vehicle in which Ellis can examine the rise and fall of popular genre fictions of the 20th century, spanning the later adventures of Sherlock Holmes all the way to the modern superhero, and everything in between (pulp heroes, horror stories and monster movies, wuxia films, radioactive godzilla monsters inspired by the red scare and nuclear war, and the eventual eclipsing of all of them by the rise of the superhero comic in what was then the SIlver Age, represented by the main enemies of the Planetary organization drunk on their own power, and the post 20th Century good samaritans of Planetary charged with combating them). Planetary is committed to saving things and preserving them for posterity as learning tools. Nothing is disposable and innovation is the future.

            I would like to think Planetary will never be adapted, remade or rebooted (I wouldn’t count out a sequel series, but if that happened Warren Ellis would probably be the one wanting to revisit his own characters). I could totally be wrong though. Watchmen is counter-argument to that, with new issues on the way. Planetary is no where near as popular as Watchmen though, so who knows? Maybe it’ll just remain a beautiful 27-issue series with a beginning middle and end.

          • Did I mention I just reread Planetary?

        • I read it and I agree fully. I have a lot to add about this but I’ve had a hard day so I’m just going to say that you are totally correct.

          Also, the Grimms collected folk legends from around central Europe and sanitized those and then Disney did their spin and the origin stories are so very VERY far from their intent (basically scaring kids out of hanging out in the woods — no matter how bad the world was). And thus, I sort of like the NBC show Grimm because (though the CGI is garbage) it goes back to the whole “stay the fuck out of the woods” mentality.

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