The Mummy is coming back! The Mummy is coming back! The Mummy is coming back! The Mummy is coming back! After four years of silence from Universal Pictures and The Mummy franchise, silence that many feared would go on for eternity, THE CURSE OF SILENCE HAS FINALLY BEEN BROKEN! Or whatever! The bandages are being unwrapped and the insides are being scooped BACK IN! Put all the bugs back into Brendan Fraser’s mouth! Sand storm scary face, back to one! From Variety:

Universal Pictures has tapped PROMETHEUS scribe Jon Spaihts to pen a reboot of THE MUMMY franchise, which Sean Daniel will return to produce, Variety’s Justin Kroll and Jeff Sneider report.

“I see it as the sort of opportunity I had with PROMETHEUS: to go back to a franchise’s roots in dark, scary source material, and simultaneously open it up to an epic scale we haven’t seen before,” said Spaihts.

OooOOooOooh, Spaihts! The words that you said don’t really seem to mean a whole lot and your use of simultaneously is suspect, but dark and scary? Those sound like words we can help you with!

HOW TO MAKE THE MUMMY DARKER AND SCARIER:

  1. No lights except for tiny ones that illuminate the actors’ faces.
  2. Scary noises.
  3. Brendan Fraser wears a scary mask.
  4. The movie takes place only at night and in a haunted cave.
  5. Something like how at the end of the Blair Witch Project the camera fell to the floor and you could only see the legs or something, but you knew whatever was going on that you COULDN’T see had to be very scary.
  6. More bugs.
  7. The wife (Brendan Fraser’s wife if Brendan Fraser is going to be in this one, I am actually not sure which could alter #3) is possessed by the ghost of a mummy and keeps trying to unwrap herself, YUCK!
  8. Things like when you would stare at a picture online and then something scary would pop out at you.
  9. Have a timer at the bottom of the screen and sometimes have it go very fast, and sometimes have it go very slow, and sometimes have it go normal speed.
  10. Everyone has to see the movie in a big room by themselves and they have to wear sunglasses, except they’re NOT by themselves…

With putting to use every one of these suggestions, this is going to be the best The Mummy yet. Good luck to you, Jon Spaihts!

Comments (19)
  1. Hopefully this will lead to a reboot of the Scorpion King series. Then we’ll have a reboot of a prequel to a sequel to a prequel to a remake and Brendan Fraser’s head will explose.

  2. I’m surprised there wasn’t anything about ice on your list, Kelly.

  3. And I’m just supposed to sit here and be satisfied with George of The Jungle as is?

  4. Isn’t this scary enough:

  5. KELLY! I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS OBVIOUS!

  6. “3D makes movies darker.” – Roger Ebert

  7. Replace mummies with clowns.

    OH GOD I JUST MADE MYSELF TERROR PEE IMAGINING THAT.

  8. Add black people and hoodies and only release it in Florida.

  9. Have you guys been on the mummy ride at universal studios? because it’s really awesome and maybe my favorite and you should all go on it because it’s so cool.

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