dr_giggles

AHHHHHHHH! GO BACK TO SLEEP! GO BACK TO SLEEP! DO NOT READ THIS GO BACK TO SLEEP GOOD NIGHT SWEET DREAMS YOU ARE A HORSE PRINCESS WHO IS A PRINCESS BUT ALSO A HORSE AND EVERYTHING IS MADE OF SWEETS ENJOY IT GOODNIGHT GOODNIGHT YOU ARE ASLEEP! From TMZ:

[Dr. Bill] Dorfman — who recently treated Lindsay Lohan and whose website features Jessica Simpson, Usher, Ozzy Osbourne, Anne Hathaway and Eva Longoria — was outside Rock & Brews in El Segundo yesterday when he revealed his secret.

“I actually save famous people’s teeth when I pull them … but I can’t tell you [their identities] ’cause it’s like patient confidentiality.” He continues, “There have been a few really famous people and I thought one day maybe I could sell this on eBay.”

Dorfman insists he always offers the teeth to his patients first … but they often decline, “So I put it in the back and i just hold on to it.”

NOW YOU ARE A SPACESHIP AND YOUR SPACE BODY IS WARM AS YOU FLY THROUGH THE UNIVERSE AT THE SPEED OF MAGIC. YOUR CHILDHOOD DOG IS YOUR ONLY PASSENGER BUT SOMEHOW SHE’S 100 TIMES BIGGER THAN YOU REMEMBER HER, SHE’S PERFECT. LOOK, IS THAT HALLE BERRY? HI HALLE BERRY DO YOU WANT SOME LUNCH? LET’S EAT LUNCH TOGETHER ON THE MOON. YOUR DOG EATS LUNCH. EVERYONE LOVES TO SLEEP AND IGNORE THE NIGHTMARE THAT DR. GIGGLES SHARED AT THE GRAND OPENING OF GENE SIMMONS’S NEW HAMBURGER RESTAURANT IN EL SEGUNDO FYI IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT “ROCK & BREWS” WAS THAT’S WHAT IT WAS, GENE SIMMONS GODDAMNED HAMBURGER RESTAURANT WHERE THIS DUDE STOOD IN A PARKING LOT AND WAS LIKE “I’M THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE OF DENTISTS” AND DID YOU KNOW THAT IS THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME HUMAN CENTIPEDE HAS EVER BEEN REFERENCED ON VIDEOGUM BECAUSE DESPITE GETTING ONE MILLION EMAILS ABOUT IT WE REFUSE ON PRINCIPAL TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT MOVIE BUT THIS IS THE ONE EXCEPTION BECAUSE GOOD GOD DR. BILL DORFMAN! BUT IT’S NOT A PROBLEM UP HERE ON THE MOON BECAUSE WE ARE SAFE AND FULL OF SYRUP AND ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE HERE AND IT’S NICE OUT GOODBYE GOODNIGHT GOODBYE!

Comments (29)
  1. That is super creepy, but I have to admit it was much less creepy than I was expecting.

    I am not quite sure what that says about me.

    • “One other thing,” Dorfman added between bites of his Detroit Rock Cheesy sandwich. “I routinely dress up like the tooth fairy and then have sex with the celebrity teeth.”

      He then took off his Rock & Brews souvenir t-shirt and began rubbing the rest of the sandwich over his saggy middle-aged body in a tragic parody of seduction, chanting “Is this creepy enough for you, lilbobbytables?”

  2. We should be lucky he doesn’t also cut celebrities hair and nails on the side.

    Or does he?

  3. One of his customers, Corbin Bernsen, was understably upset when he found out about this, but at least he was able to appreciate the irony.

  4. Him ending his sentence, “’cause it’s like patient confidentiality,” inspires SO much trust in me.

    “Uh, no, man, that’s, like, totally confidential!”

  5. I blame video games. He apparently is a big fan of the Grand Theft Tooth series.

  6. Maybe one day he could sell them on eBay?

    Dude, you’re a dentist with what appears to be a thriving practice frequented by wealthy celebrities. The fuck do you need to sell teeth on the internet for? Just continue being a successful dentist, you jackass.

    • Dentists are known for being jerks, though.

      (apologies to actual dentists)

      • Yessssss. When I was a little taco, this was one of my favorite movies, right up there with The Sandlot and Nightmare On Elm Street 3.

        • The video store in my little neighbourhood only had the original black and white non-musical version (which is still awesome) and until I was about 20 and finally saw this, I thought everyone was out of their minds always talking about Steve Martin and Rick Moranis when referencing Little Shop of Horrors and I didn’t understand why how so many people could be so insanely incorrect about a very popular movie. I had the same problem with Scarface. Apparently I grew up in an alternate universe where remakes didn’t exist.

  7. Disturbing, awful, and creepy? YES. But as a tooth-patient, I think I would have to go with that instead of the OTHER thing:

  8. He can start a museum and he can definitely call it Madame Toothsauds.

    • I’m just glad he’s a dentist and not an M.D. He’d be the kind to auction off celebrity appendixes or create another Mutter Museum. *Disclaimer: Do not even think of looking up Mutter Museum if you are squeamish or hungry or around small children you like.* Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  9. Why don’t the celebrities want to keep their teeth? I kept my teeth. They’re neat looking. Sometimes I keep them in my pocket and roll them around in my fingers when I get nervous. It calms me down.

    • Everyone else does this too, right? Big ol’ pockets of wisdom teeth and baby teeth jangling around like change?

      Isnt this teeth j’ angle, the premier website where teeth hoarders meet online?

  10. What I’m thinking of to get this out of my head:

  11. The dentist wanting to sell the teeth is weird, yes, but I am far more creeped out that there might actually be a market for celebrity teeth.

    Can you imagine ordering teeth? Actually receiving a FedEx package containing teeth?

  12. he’s saving the teeth? no wonder the US is experiencing a rattle shortage! there’s no celebrity teeth to fill them!

  13. It’s entirely possible that I am completely insane, but I’m getting a really strong Marathon Man/”Is it safe” vibe from this guy. Probably because that’s the only movie i’ve ever seen where the bad guy is a dentist.

  14. True story: my dentist used to be Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s dentist, too. I know. Pretty sweet, right?

    • I would trust the man responsible for Ol Dirty Bastard’s chompers all the way to Sunday and back. ODB is very, very well known for the excellent condition of his teeth.

  15. ANOTHER TRUE STORY: this guy was not my dentist, but around 1985 there was a dentist who advertised in the TV Listings supplement of the Dallas Times-Herald every week and had his picture up at the top with feathered hair and the top three buttons of his shirt undone and with the caption “Mr. El Paso, 1977″

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.