In our modern world, we’re surrounded by dangers, but many of them are easy to avoid with just a few simple precautions. Today we’re going to discuss how to avoid being Bone Collector’ed.

10. Be aware of your surroundings. Do you know where you are? Is there a Bone Collector there? Careful!
9. Travel with others. This isn’t enough to keep you safe, as Bone Collectors are known to collect multiple bones at any one time, but it’s better than facing a Bone Collector alone.
8. Have a friend pick you up. This is the surest and safest way to avoid being Bone Collector’ed unless your friend is a Bone Collector, in which case take public transportation.
7. Stay in your house and become a hoarder. This is extreme, but this way a Bone Collector can’t lure you into his/her fake cab. And if a Bone Collector breaks in and tries to drag you out to his/her fake cab, you can topple a pile of dead cats and Dora the Explorer birthday hats on his/her head, crushing him/her to death/death.
6. Get into the mind of a Bone Collector. What makes a Bone Collector tick? I mean, besides bones? If you can figure this out, then you can stay one step ahead of the game Bone Collector.
5. Learn Krav Maga.
4. Become a Bone Collector yourself. This is a more extreme variation on #6, but it is even more effective, until the lust for blood and revenge gets the better of you and you are either imprisoned for your Bone Collecting, or shot to death by Angelina Jolie in a hospice room.
3. Buy a portable Bone Collector Detector. Or carry a canister of Bone Collector Repellent.
2. When you do get in a taxi, check for a monkey figurine hanging from the rearview mirror by a tiny noose. This is a simple thing to do, but if you recognize the sign of a Bone Collector, simply exit the cab and wait for the next cab.

And the number one way to avoid being Bone Collector’ed is:

1. Avoid Taxi Dave!

Just kidding. Taxi Dave won’t Bone Collector you. He’ll be too busy giving you the greatest party cab ride of your life through downtown Sacramento, CA. (Via Reddit.)

Comments (31)
  1. At least Carmel is more transparent about its connection to Satan

  2. In high school, there was a girl we called The Bone Collector, but guys were going out of there way NOT to avoid her, if you know what I mean.*

    *I mean she had sex with a lot of guys.

  3. Is this an ad for Sacramento? For this one guy’s cab? Your message is muddled, Taxi Dave!

  4. We need something that rhymes with “Inn.” What’s that? “In?” Perfect!

  5. things not to put in your commercial and/or rap about your cab company

    1. mentioning the “unapproachable” look of your cab
    2. saying that you will be “singin it and slappin it behind the wheel”
    3. probably the stuff gabe said. like don’t for instance, reassuring people that you are not, in fact, the bone collector

    that’s about it.

  6. It’s like Travis Bickle and Rupert Pupkin had a baby. A big, sweat-panted, terrifying baby.

  7. This is way better than his earlier video, “I’m too taxi for my shirt”

  8. yo. where’s the fake rap tag? get with it.

  9. I think we should all just avoid taxis all together. The times I’ve come closest to death have all been in taxis.

  10. An addendum to number 9: Make sure your travel companions are slower than you. You don’t have to be fast, just faster than them.

    This also works for avoiding murder by camping, and babysitting, and exploring spooky houses on a dare. I am not sure about violent dream monsters, though. More research is needed on that front.

    • You need someone faster than you too though. That way, if there is a trap or an ambush, they run right into it and you have time to save yourself.

  11. Taxi Dave reminds me of my neighbor. Related, my most recent conversation with my neighbor contained gems like him telling me how he’d been going to tanning booths in a thong all winter and how since he got his stomach stapled, he’s felt a lot sexier.

  12. Dave’s taxi was orange…”I does it big!”

  13. Death Cab For Dorky

  14. I wanted SO MUCH for him to run over a parking block as he drove out of frame while looking at the camera.

  15. I assume “wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thorton’s blood around your neck” was #11?

  16. You missed one, Gabe. Over the years, I’ve just gotten in the habit of leaving my bones all over the place, so now they’re ubiquitous enough that they really have very little collectible value. I find that the collectors would rather go for the really hard to find stuff.

  17. Now that’s a problem with pacing!

  18. Don’t push your politics on me, buddy.

  19. “So call Taxi Dave’s yellow cab service, Yeah, Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. Just look for a man in an orange car.”

  20. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, bla–Stop taunting the bees!

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