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So we all know that Jeff Foxworthy is (or was?) the host of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, one of the best and least upsetting game shows of all time. Oh the nights when we’d come home from work, crack open an O’Doul’s, and just laugh and guess along with the contestants, eager to see if each is or is not smarter than a fifth grader. “A Jeff Foxworthy-hosted game show could never get better than this,” we thought. “What’s to improve? I cannot and WILL not think of even one thing.” But oh how wrong we were! From The Huffington Post:
GSN has tapped the comedian to host “The American Bible Challenge,” a game show that tests contestants’ knowledge of the scripture, with the intention of celebrating the Bible and incorporating it into contemporary life.
“I am excited to be hosting a show about the bestselling book of all time,” Foxworthy said in a statement. “It will be interesting to find out what people really know, and an opportunity to present the Bible in a fun and entertaining way.”
Oh jeeze, “excited to be hosting a show about the bestselling book of all time.” People referring to the Bible as “the bestselling book of all time” is so upsetting and I barely even know why. HAVE YOU EVEN CHECKED IT AGAINST RECENT HUNGER GAMES SALES? “I’m excited to be hosting a show about a book that you can find in the bedside table drawer of many hotel rooms,” how about. “I’m excited to be hosting a show about the book that has born hateful bigots around the world, and insured that large groups of people are not given equal rights.” “I’m excited to be hosting a show about a book.” But anyway, yes, sure, this game sounds like so much fun. I can’t wait to watch it and then be a contestant and then win. Sunday school classes will be playing VHS-copied reruns of it to preteens for lifetimes to come. But WHY STOP HERE? Did they even consider THESE other fun game show options?
- The American Rules Of The Road Challenge
- The American See Who Can Sleep The Longest Challenge
- The American Sports Rules Challenge
- The American What Time Is It Now Challenge
- The American Children Having To Run Errands With Their Moms Challenge
Honestly, I am going to stop because I can’t think of a more boring game show than The American Bible Challenge. Congratulations, GSN! You win this time!
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If you think that Jesus was white, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff you’ve got some schmultz on your chin here let me get that
Jeff Foxworthy is hosting the most recent Hunger Games?
Over Jeff Probst’s dead body.
They’re eating Probst because they’re so hungry? O well, better than the Katnip everyone’s been talking about.
I think it would be fun for them to ask where in the Bible the guilt of Sodom is explained and it wasn’t at all about sexuality. And heads would start to explode.
I suspect it’ll be more along the lines of “If you think there were only 5 apostles, and they were a construction worker, a sailor, an Indian, a cop, and a biker, you might be a sodomite.”
Not to get all religiousgum on here (but clearly I will be doing that), the guilt of Sodom and Gomorrah, even after much academic debate by both Christian and non-Christian scholars is still most evidently associated with homosexuality.
I am only replying to you sir because I think the bible in and of itself contains some highly questionable and ultimatley terrible passages. The source material is not particularly innocent of blame. A large amount of Christians are misguided in their beliefs and certainly warp things written in scripture to suit their own agenda, but there is a fair amont of bullshit written in the bible itself that doesn’t need much “twisting”. I think in the case of the guilt of Sodom, this is true.
I’m just saying, in Ezekiel 16:50, it pretty clearly says the guilt of Sodom was being wealthy, comfortable, and cruel to the poor. So, you can see how ruling classes would want to focus on other things.
The fact of the Bible is it’s neither a code of ethics, or a history book, or a self-help book. Until you can read the Bible through the context of what Christianity says people are, in a natural order of things, none of it will make any sense. My critique of Christians is, the Bible is utterly useless when it comes to changing human behavior, and it’s not supposed to be used that way.
I concur entirley with your second paragraph. My gripe was with the suggestion that guilt of sodom does not focus on sexuality at all. While it is clear that it touched on the sins of those who are ‘rich’ as well as those who as ‘unhospitable’, there was a clear indication that the men of sodom are ultimatley ‘sinful’ because of their homosexual tendencies.
By overall point was that this is one of the many things in the bible that should just further convince people that it is neither the absolute truth or anything other than a highly outdated book on morality. It contains passages that are stupid to begin with, without much help from extremist Christians or the ruling classes.
From the ONE history of sexuality class I took, Im pretty sure that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was that the men from those cities tried to rape some angels disguised as men that were visiting.
http://www.gotquestions.org/Sodom-and-Gomorrah.html
How about just “The American Challenge”? Where each contestant tries to prove why they are more American than the others. I can think of LOTS of people who would watch that show.
I think all those GOP debates got that covered.
This show would be better if it were less about celebrating the bible and more about exposing bible thumpers for their ignorance of what’s actually in the bible. It could air right after a show with a similar premise called The American Constitution Challenge.
Loving this. Maybe even have shows titled: “How Often Does the Bible Contradict Itself” or “That Amendment Does Not Guarantee What I Think You Think It Guarantees”
A lady I used to work with who described herself as a christian and went to church every week was telling a co-worker and myself about how Jesus turned Eve, from the Adam and Eve story, in to Mary, Jesus’ mother (?), after she was kicked out of the garden of eden. I haven’t been to church since the 80′s, but I’m pretty sure all of what she said was bullshit. A weekly tv show full of stuff like this would be fucking awesome!
something about people referring to Eve as being “kicked out” of Eden really cracks me up, as though God is a bouncer at a dive bar and Eve was caught with a flask in her purse.
I”ll take “Centuries of Malicious Misrepresentation and Systemic Oppression” for $400, Alex!
i thought this was called “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”
That game involves being given the option to watch this show. If you choose to watch this show, you are not smarter than a fifth grader.
Which version of the Bible are we going with, anyway? King James? New International? Great Illustrated Classics? Choose Your Own Adventure?
I just saw JC Superstar last night so don’t forget to include that! Spoiler Alert: He doesn’t say a thing about homos!
Vulgate of St. Jerome!
“Vulgate” is a word that in my head does something VERY different from what it is supposed to do.
I’m looking forward to the “Who’s Going to Hell?” lightning round.
The American Bible* Challenge
*Just the Jesus parts.
Come on, there has to be a Deuteronomy episode where they celebrate ox muzzling and the uncleanliness of menstruating women!
Are you crazy? That would leave out the Garden of Eden, the flood, and all of that “man shall not lie with another man” stuff!
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Remember, if you don’t know the answers, there is always a solid reason.
Thank you, Farfour, of all the animals killed/martyred in that show, you were always my favorite.I’m really worried about Mickey, guys.
Can somebody get me a dancing church lady gif?
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Yes, like it says in The Bible, “Thou shalt not make fun of our holy trivia game show nor its immaculate host, Jeff Foxworhty, amen.”
Yep, that’s exactly what I was referring to! Book of Steve. Chapter 69.
69 is the funniest number that ever was or ever will be.
You don’t get it
I’m not one to defend crazy hateful zealots that disrupt the our political system and cause undue strife to so many, but blaming the Bible might be a cheap shot.
It’s essentially a two part book about the history and laws of the Jewish people and sequel about the most liberal and accepting figure in human history.
I think what the hate-filled bigots show you is something darker, that some people are naturally hateful and fearful and look to create divisions to feel “safe” in their own personal context.
Instead of shooting up a Pride parade or whatever, they needed a socially acceptable way to attack and exclude others while patting themselves on the back for how good they are in the eyes of an unseen, unheard supreme being.
Organized religion is a great vehicle for that, which is how these extremist Christians have come to stray so far from the source material. Though it’s an extreme parallel, Nazism was another great example of an institution used to commit acts that would have otherwise been considered unacceptable (this word choice is admittedly a massive understatement, and it was likely a bad idea to even include the Nazi thing, but I’m on a wave and I’m going to ride it in.)
My point is it’s a little unfair to take a shot at the Bible like it’s the cause for those maniacs, because that would be like blaming piano wire for strangulation. There’s a lot of Christians out there fighting for the same things I feel like most of the members of this site believe in, you just have to look a little harder.
Oh yeah, but this show is dumb and will undoubtedly result in some absurd argument about abortion or taxes or gay sex.
People who use piano wire to strangle other rarely use the defense, “I did it because the piano wire told me to,” so the analogy is far from perfect.
Fair point. I just think people use the Bible how they want to, and unfortunately there a some passages that don’t line up with modern thinking.
But a lot of that was written thousands of years ago, and it’s a big book with a lot of good things in it, like teaching that murder is wrong, and that respecting and loving others as you love yourself is good.
Seems like a shit deal to have a few passages out of a very large and eclectic text result in total condemnation because of the way some very turned around people choose to act on it.
I don’t like this assertion that the bible has all these amazing great virtuous teachings that otherwise people wouldn’t have figured out on their own, like people were just murdering the fuck out of each other willy-nilly before it showed up. They weren’t. At least, I find it hard to believe they were, because the only source of information otherwise telling me that people were being shitty to each other is (dum dum dum ) The Bible.
I get that there’s a lot of good stuff in there, but there’s a lot of good stuff in other codes of ethics. Some that even predate the bible. So when people are like “Yeah, but the bible is really just a a bunch of stories teaching people how to be nice” there’s plenty of non-fiction that does the same without using the same (somewhat dubious) tactics to teach moral lessons. Also, wearing a bowl cut haircut is not a stoneable offense or whatever. Leviticus 19:27. Top choice verse.
Sure, but in the New Testament all that archaic nonsense is sort of undone.
More than anything, I think you bring up an excellent point that’s overlooked. Hold Christians accountable for picking and choosing what rules to go with. And ask Jewish people why they can’t eat shellfish but they stopped stoning their kids for back talking.
I like this line of thinking. Also, I didn’t mean to imply the Bible was the only ancient text encouraging moral behavior. There’s amazing teachings from all over the world, and no discredit was intended.
If you believe that God wrote the book himself, then that’s great (even though there is nothing but evidence that he did not) and at the very least, consistent with what you believe from that book.
As soon as you recognize that, in fact, other human beings wrote the thing, I don’t know how you couldn’t just completely throw it out the window as gooble gobble. First of all, Shellfish is delicious. Holy moley, get some garlic shramp on my plate NOW.
But also like, human beings are dicks in general. EVERY DAY people are dicks. A big dude in a pick up with a smoke in his mouth almost ran me over this morning because I was biking through my green light TOO slowly apparently. Every day things like this.
Why on earth would we trust any human being to write a code of ethics without READING it, and rationalizing it using our very own human experience and knowing that other human beings are not exactly amazing flawless wizard people who can hear gods. Like Louis CK points out, there ain’t no Rape in the 10 commandments. Right there, you’d think somewhere in the last 1900 years someone would maybe say “Hey, this bible is great, but let’s add ‘no rape’ in there” but no, because you can’t change the bible. You know why you can’t change the bible? Because it’s not a very good code of ethics. In modern times, the perfect code of ethics would be ever-changing to fit with technology, and evolution, and just general haircutting philosophy.
I could go on forever, I don’t know how I got to this tl;dr point. I personally think the bible is very very stupid. IMO! I don’t begrudge anyone who thinks it’s great. Do whatever you want and whatever makes you happy! Everyone dies. Just stay the fuck off my land.
Yeah, the Bible definitely is NOT a bunch of stories telling people how to be nice. But there are people who say so. They probably can’t read, but they’ll make it on this game show somehow…
But I’m a little stumped at these other non-fiction works you speak of that do the same thing as the Bible (morally speaking)? Are you talking about the Koran? of Confucius perhaps? Just curious.
Probably too late for anyone coming back to read, but the Old Testament isn’t ancient. It dates back to around 6th century BC so anything before then would predate the bible. Hammurabi’s code predates it by a thousand years…not exactly like his ideas are better…if anything the concepts are similar to what occurs in the bible, but the difference is that they are secular-based and don’t revolve around a series of stories that never occurred. Anything between then and the collection of the scripts I’d say. As far as new testament goes…well the new testament is what, 2nd century AD?
Interesting analogy. But I think we could all agree that a piano wire was not intended to be a murder weapon. It was designed to be part of an instrument used to make music.
A real pianist knows how to take that string and make music. But someone with evil intentions could take that beautiful thing and twist it into something murderous and ugly.
Likewise, a real Christian (someone who actually follows the teachings of Christ) will be an instrument of peace and reconciliation in the world. But someone with evil intentions can take that and manipulate it into whatever they want to do.
I’ll take “Who Are the Gideons” for $800, Jeff.
I would think the Brick Bible would be an interesting one to use.
About 90% of the Bible became useless once mankind invented the power to refrigerate food.
I really hope any contestants who come on wearing blended fabrics are penalized. (Lev. 19:19, f/the record.)