Ring ding dong, ring a ding ding ding dong, keep your heads Red Bull!

What’s up, young women who were barely even bothered by the Rush Limbaugh dustup with Sandra Fluke because they recognized it for the desperate and panicked last gasps of a fading patriarchy that it was, and young men who similarly don’t mind that I addressed the young women first because they were confident they would be addressed eventually and we are all equals now in this new world, or at least we should be? Wassssuuuuuuup?! Today I want to rap at you about the NEW THREE SECOND TEASER TRAILER FOR TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2. Sew your heads back on, but don’t be nervous if they fall right back off. That’s normal. Your body is going through a lot of changes. iPad 3.

You’re about to be the koolest kid on your kblock because fter the jump we’ve got the brand new trailer. YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST. (“But Gabe, there’s 2.9 million views on this trailer already, surely we didn’t see it first?” DON’T TALK BACK. YOU WANT SOME MORE DETENTION, MR. BENDER?) Pad your butts with Dorito’s brand Butt Pads. Here we go:

GAHHHHHHH! AT FIRST WEREN’T YOU SO WORRIED THAT THE CHARACTERS MIGHT LOOK DIFFERENT THIS TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE NEVER REALLY LOOKED DIFFERENT, ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I GUESS TEAM JACOB LOOKED PRETTY DIFFERENT IN THE FIRST MOVIE BEFORE THEY WERE LIKE GET RID OF THIS NERD THE GIRLS HATE HIM AND THE NERD WAS LIKE HOLD ON LET ME JUST EAT 100 POUNDS OF SKINLESS STEAMED CHICKEN AND THEY WERE LIKE ALSO YOUR HAIR BRO AND HE WAS LIKE ON IT? BUT THEY DON’T LOOK DIFFERENT! I MEAN, I GUESS TEAM JACOB HAS A NEW SHIRT ON THAT IS MADE OUT OF PANTYHOSE, BUT OTHERWISE IT’S ALL OUR OLD FRIENDS AND EVEN THE MOUNTAINS LOOK THE SAME STILL AND NOW TEAM BELLA IS RUNNING SO FAST THROUGH THE WOODS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW FAST SHE RUNS. IS THE MOVIE ABOUT A RACE? I CAN’T WAIT! I HOPE TEAM BELLA WINS FOR HER CHARITY! VAMPIRES! NO PARENTS! BE COOL STAY IN SCHOOL! YOU MIGHT MEET THE VAMPIRE OF YOUR DREAMS IN THE CAFETERIA!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Comments (37)
  1. We’re into The Hunger Games now, Dad. Quit embarrassing yourself.

  2. I think it’s interesting that Twilight gets way more space on Vgum than Hunger Games. Gabe’s secretly a Twi-Mom.

  3. Does this mean we’re getting a sequel to Vampires Suck, too?

  4. Spoiler alert: Bella will make this face for the entire movie.

  5. TEAM CAN’T WAIT FOR IT ALL 2 B OVAH.

  6. First he hangs out with a bunch of guys in the woods wearing a uniform of no shirts, jean shorts. Now he wears a shirt that looks like pantyhose.

    LADIES?!

  7. I really hope the Gecko Brothers show up and take everyone to task in this final installment, with a special appearance by Sex Machine. #FromDuskTilBreakingDawnPart2

  8. Can I just say something about how lame all this hunger game hype is? Ten years ago all the hipsters were like “Ooh Battle Royale is so interesting” and I watched it and I was like “yawn” it was not engaging and more than a little depressing to just watch the kids get murdered in some lame ironic bit about reality tv and stuff or whatever it was about. Now we have the ubiquitous Hunger game ads on tv 24/7 and all the internet won’t shut up about it. I should unplug this computer and go sit by a pond and watch some ducks for a few weeks and wait for the hype to die down. Go away, hunger game movie

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