BOO! Did I scare you? Wait, really? Are you serious? Oh my god, I cannot believe you were scared by that. I literally just typed “boo” and all you did was read it, and it SCARED you? Wow, maybe I underestimated how delicate you are. Maybe I shouldn’t even share this spooky story from Australia with you. The spooky story I just heard, about how a ghost was seen throwing a candybar in a supermarket on their CCTV late at night, and how the store owner was told that the supermarket was haunted before he bought it, and how in this news story about it they throw in a fact about how a guy was once shot and killed outside of the supermarket and the bullet hole is still there, as if that adds to the fun anecdote about the ghost story, but really it’s like WTF a guy was really murdered there and this is how you’re going to talk about it? As evidence to back up your lighthearted ghost story? What the hell, Australia morning Today-like talk show? But then anyway, THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE — IF YOU DARE TO FIND IT!

If I happen to die outside of a supermarket and then am doomed to haunt that supermarket for all of eternity, and the best I can do is make a candybar fall, and then some jerkoffs make fun of it on a TV show, I am going to be VERY upset with my situation. I’ll tell you that much. (Via Abroath.)

Comments (23)
  1. Of course the ladies are horrified the ghost would be on a high sugar/carb diet! Wait, so am I. I hope when I die I can eat whatever I want and I hope stupid mean people won’t criticize me for it!

  2. That’ll be my ghost. Jonesing for some chocolate.

  3. I think we all know what product that was:

  4. “No ghost in the store. I bought every packet of biscuit myself.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

  5. I bet it was booberry flavored.

  6. Ghost!!!….or a rodent crawling by, knocking over the box of fruit roll ups.

    • That was my first thought too. Glad the guy who just bought a business that sells food is cool with sharing security camera footage of his infestation problem with the local news. A++, first day of business school I see someone was taking notes!

  7. Oh, you mischievous coriolis effect. What will you think of next?

  8. I suspect that this is a stealth advertising campaign for the Australian release of The Woman in Black.

  9. “Your son’s death was on the news today”

    “REALLY? Did they find his killer?”

    “Nope, ghost threw a candy bar.”

  10. Clearly a deleted scene from Being Human.

  11. Honestly, a supermarket would not be too terrible for all eternity, at least compared with some other supposedly haunted places. For the minneapolis-aware, the ladies room at first ave. is supposedly haunted. I cannot think of a worse place to be for all eternity.

  12. Mad props on that Clash pun, Kelly.

  13. You wouldn’t really haunt the supermarket forever. You’d just haunt it for 30-40 years, until the neighborhood goes downhill and the chain sells it off and it becomes a 99-cent store. Then you’d be haunting that for 8-10 years, until the area’s downward spiral had you haunting (in succession) a tobacco and bong shop, a flea market, Off-Track Betting, a check cashing business, a storage space with nothing in it, a crack den, a pile of debris, a vacant lot, and finally $5 parking on Saturday nights (in 2115 dollars). “I wish I haunted a supermarket,” you’d moan. “I didn’t know how good I had it.”

    Eventually the neighborhood would come around and you’d be back in the high (after)life, haunting a brand new mall. You’d have full run, assuming you had full run of the supermarket originally and not just the sugar aisle; you could throw things onto the floor in whatever the 2129 equivalent is of a Starbucks, a Gap, a GNC, and Sharper Image. You’d really be able to attention-whore it for decades…

    Until scientists finally perfect immortality for everyone, which will involve abandoning the physical world for existence as a cloud of intelligent electrons. As everyone “jacks in” to this new, perfect society, you’ll find yourself once again haunting a disused building. And then some cinderblocks in an overgrown lot.

    But it gets worse. The growing need for servers to store human consciousness will eventually require a new building on your ground — you’ll be excited at first! — but it will turn out the new building is a vast, lightless bunker, silent but for the hum of aisle after aisle of databanks, patrolled only by robots programmed for menial tasks. Then — finally — you will know true loneliness.

    Probably what you’ll do in anger is throw the mainframe on the floor, instantly wiping from existence all 19 billion human beings and destroying all record of our civilization’s long struggle. Good one, asshat.

  14. i love the title of this post. also im wearing a clash t-shirt RIGHT NOW. thanks, kelly. you made me smile.

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