In 2010, Paramount Pictures, Nickelodeon, and Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes announced that they’d be coming together to produce a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot because ???? and $$$$. And last week it was announced that the movie is set for a December 25th, 2013 release, but when the world heard about this the world asked: “Hey Michael Bay, how are you going to reboot Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — a story that so eloquently expressed the anxious hope of the ’80s and ’90s — for a 2013 audience? Not to say that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is no longer a thing that people like and that maybe it shouldn’t be rebooted — nonononono, far from it, definitely not that, definitely reboot everything forever — but, just, how are you going to spice it up? Surely you’ve got something up your sleeve? Maybe something that kind of makes the title ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ not make sense anymore? Something like that?” The world all asked that same question in unison, and recently at the 2012 Nickeloden Upfront, Michael Bay responded.

Hahahaha. Aww, Michael Bay. That first sentence doesn’t even make sense! “When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these Turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie.” You poor baby. And then, so, now the Turtles aren’t going to be mutants anymore? They’re going to be Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? MR. MICHAEL BAY! Get back in your room and don’t come out until you have a better way to update Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe give them all iPods? I know you can think of something! Change their names to famous rappers names? (Via Ain’tItCool.)

Comments (32)
  1. wait wait wait….the ninja turtles don’t exist now?!??!?!

  2. In the 21st century reboot, nobody orders pizza until they make sure everyone’s allergy concerns are addressed.

  3. Michael Bay, you had me at “Kowabunga, dude.”

  4. Isn’t that a little racist?

  5. Michael Bay is so Donatello.

  6. I like turtles.

  7. “Also, Splinter is no longer a rat, but a sentient piece of wood. Shredder is still their main enemy, but instead of a ninja master, it is an evil office shredder which will be cross-promoted at Staples. By the way, all the turtles work at Staples.” –Michael Bay

  8. just like how we all actually believe in aliens transforming into chevrolets.

  9. We had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle themed birthday party at our house one time. Some poor guy dressed as one of them and played games with the kids. I hope I gave him a good tip.

  10. ‘Taint no TANT!

  11. also, can we talk about the ad that ran in front of the michael bay footage that maybe just I saw, but hope others did too:

    really jenny craig? how many people signed off on “it’s about my Jenny,” thinking it was a perfectly acceptable, not terrible slogan that doesn’t seem like a bunch of women are referring to their vaginas?

  12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Olive Garden Reviewers?

  13. Having run out of expensive sets and Shia Labeoufs, Michael Bay has finally gotten around to blowing up my childhood.

  14. How about some zombies are added on there, (everybody loves zombies!!) and we could have the cute zombie kid who “loves turtles” be on it

  15. The thing I’m most looking forward to is seeing my first female role model wearing absolutely no clothing and arching out her tits. Also, Amy is no longer a journalist, she’s a college coed who types things up at the school paper. Who models on the weekend. And also looks great dirty.

  16. C’mon Bay. Don’t make them aliens. Make them vegan hipsters! Michelangelo was into nun-chucks before they were cool. Either way, we know you’re making April a dumb slut. You’re the worst.

  17. Personally, I think Shia Labeouf will be a GREAT Casey Jones. Mostly because I hate them both.

  18. Is anyone else getting the impression that this movie will just be the first transformers film with cgi turtles superimposed in front of the cgi robot cars. Any scene where they turns into cars will be altered to them getting their skateboards or razor scooters out.

  19. Can someone type up a transcript of the 15 second clip? I’m at work and my computer doesn’t have good enough flash player capabilities.

  20. Presumably if they’re an alien race, then not only are they not mutants, but they’re not actually turtles either, just creatures who happen to somewhat resemble bipedal turtles. And dividing our life cycle up to include adolescence is a social construct unique to humans raised in Western culture, so considering they are a species not even native to this planet, they are probably unlikely to ever be identified as teenagers. So how does Fully Mature Alien Ninja(??) Testudineoids sound to everyone? The best? Ok!

  21. Ok, so Michelangelo would be renamed Lil’ Wayne.

    Why Michael Bay!?

    I suppose this is what it feels like to get old…watching everything you loved about your childhood be destroyed. In a big needless explosion. In space.

  23. I don’t see why anyone would care about the Turtles anyway, they aren’t the main characters. Over three quarters of the movie will be about the nerdy guy that finds them, his horny parents, his impossibly hot girlfriend, his stereotypical black friend, and his horny dogs. No one goes to see a movie to see the characters refered to in the title.

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