Vulture posted an article this week about how John Carter was doomed from the release of its very first trailer. It’s a kind of interesting look at how important it is to “position” a movie in order to make an audience want to go see it. Although, I’m not entirely convinced that the only problem was the movie’s trailer. There is also the issue of its insane budget. And cast of relative unknowns. The fact that the movie’s name was John Carter didn’t do it any favors either. (I also think it’s weird that we live in a world where a movie can take in 100 MILLION DOLLARS worldwide in a single weekend and be considered an HISTORIC FLOP. Hey maybe we should FEED STARVING PEOPLE.) In any case, movie trailers, you guys. Just so important these days.

Dark Shadows

This looks kind of great? I don’t know anything about the original Dark Shadows source material, and as a general rule I hate all things vampire, all things nostalgiac throwback, and all things “ironic” mash-up, but you forgot one thing: Johnny Depp. He really is just a very good and compelling actor and he looks very funny in this. Tim Burton’s fine, too, as long as you ignore half the movies he’s made and light a candle in church every time someone says Big Fish.

A Little Bit of Heaven

Finally, a cancer comedy for WOMEN. Is it just me, or does every single Kate Hudson movie ever made involve a scene of her having a hard time getting ready in the morning? Oh, Kate! On a separate note, I’m not sure how opening an anatomical doll and watching it’s guts spill onto the floor is an illustration of how she “always lives life to the fullest.” This trailer is actually pretty confusing. She’s a cut-throat advertising executive? But she has cancer? And something about her mom? And Peter Dinklage? And the Bucket List? Maybe the hope is just that the trailer will be so all over the map that people will just HAVE to see it to answer all the mysteries.

The Assault

NO THANK YOU!

On the Road

There are a number of famous books, On The Road being one of them, that have never been turned into movies before, but it’s not like it’s because Hollywood just didn’t know about them. Like, if you want to make a movie of a famous book that people have been trying for decades to turn into a movie, you might want to at least take a real careful look at WHY it hasn’t worked out already before you go ahead with yours. Maybe there’s an actual reason. Like that it’s a terrible idea. Just a thought!

Fat Kid Rules the World

This movie was directed by Matthew Lillard.

The Three Stooges International Trailer

This is the greatest movie of all time. Seriously. I’m so excited for it. Incredible.

Comments (28)
  1. Where’s the 3D movies, for my 3D TV?

  2. New Three Stooges trailer?! This is gonna be a great weekend!

  3. $5 and a TMZ Hollywood Tour says Johnny Depp says his inspiration for his dark shadows look is a mix between Glenn Danzig and Mr. Spock

  4. The Assault: based on the true story about how the French have always been pretty fucking racist against Arabs.

  5. It’s kind of sad what happened to John Carter. I saw it and though it was great fun, like the original Flash Gordon without the insane camp. Most comments on reviews of people who saw it liked it as well. Disney murdered the marketing, and it’s a shame cause I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this movie franchise.

  6. My favorite color…Eva Green.
    Yum.

  7. Umm, am I alone in thinking Big Fish was the only decent thing Burton has done in YEARS?

  8. so many of these were just ugh

  9. I was just looking at the Farrelly brothers IMDB page. Those guys are on a 14 year shit streak.

  10. two requests:

    1. Hollywood: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE “ON THE ROAD” IT DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO FILM. If you are going to do it, definitely do NOT hire Kristen Stewart to be remotely involved. Do not have Viggo play William Burroughs; he’s way too handsome. Yes, I was one of those assholes that minored in Beat Literature…
    2. Johnny Depp and Tim Burton: Stop trying to make all your childhood favorites into creepier versions that are sometimes aesthetically cool but are much better suited for short films. You have yet to replicate the magic of Edward Scissorhands or Ed Wood.

  11. eeewwwww that awful soundtraaaackkkk kyuuuckkckck

  12. “Fat Kid Rules the World” looks like a “Stand by Me” spinoff.

  13. Matthew Lillard will always have a special place in my heart. To me he will forever be Cereal Killer.

  14. I’m not proud of myself but, “How many boogas we talkin’ ’bout” cracked me up for serious. Mostly, because booger is the funniest word in all languages ever.

  15. Why is a little bit of heaven in this list. I have already sat through the whole of that movie and don’t need to be reminded. Please thank you

  16. I’m hoping for a Three Stooges spinoff of Larry David’s nun.

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