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This week, we received an email to the tips line from a guy whose name I would like to publish in full so that whenever an employer or college admissions office or whoever did a Google search for him they would find this post talking about what a jerk he is, but I won’t, because that’s rude, and at the end of the day he is just a human being doing the best he knows how even if his best is totally awful. Because this is not a website about doling out punishment. Our targets are best when our targets do not even know that we exist. It’s just jokes. Let’s keep it breezy! Anyway, without going into specifics, this guy had some issues with some of the content on the site and he turned those issues into very personal and potentially hurtful comments and threatened to stop reading unless some changes were made. Uh, hey, buddy! Just stop reading! We’re going to be fine when you stop reading. Just stop! Who is making you? Just stop. You don’t even have to tell us that you stopped. We will never know. The vague and poorly illustrated point that I’m trying to make is that everyone has opinions, and everyone has a burning desire to share those opinions. Blogs share opinions and blog comments share opinions on opinions. But if you’re going to tell a perfect stranger how you feel without them asking you to do so, please make sure that what you have to say is valuable and constructive and not just venomous garbage that you’re spewing out because you signed up for a free email address and you wrongly believe that entitles you to jizz your opinions into everyone’s eyes. What I’m saying is don’t be an asshole like Schmbradley Schmroach. And now, to the ball! LET’S HAVE SOME FUN BEFORE WE DIE!

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Paula Deen And Your Boyfriend Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 catweazle | Mar 5th Score:61

“When asked for comment, God shrugged, said ‘Is that DJ Tanner’s brother?’ and continued looking at humorous images on George Takei’s Facebook wall.”

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#4 waitingforguffman | Mar 5th Score:72

You know what else is as “old as dirt,” Kirk Cameron? Homosexuality.

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#3 R2D2, Esq. | Mar 5th Score:77

If gay marriage is wrong, then how do you explain the fact that bananas are proof of God and He made them the same shape as penises and that both things can go in your mouth? #varsitydebateteam #checkmate

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#2 Dr. Feelgood | Mar 7th Score:99

You goin to post pics of those sandwiches or what.

Posted in: Unpacking The Mysteries Of The Olivia Munn Photo SEXTs

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Great jobs, all around. Except that photo reminds me too much of what the real photo said, and I would rather not be reminded of what the real photo says if I can help it, rejectedjeffdunhampuppet! Can you even believe what that photo said? I can hardly believe it. My goodness. I'm so sorry, Olivia Munn. The rest of you: Congratulations!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 Arrested Development Reference | Mar 5th Score:-8
This is a wildly unsurprising statement from a person who’s been living on the very edge of relevance (and reason) for years now. If you’re surprised at the furor, why are you even commenting on the furor, which, knowing your readership, will probably lead to a little more furor?
Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage

[Ed. Note: Wait, who are you talking to? I had to actually go back to your comment to figure it out. I think you're talking to me? So let me just clear a couple of things up: "living on the very edge of relevance" is a generous compliment and I will take it. Very few people would agree with you, and most of them are skipping over this to post a GIF in the comments. As far as reason is concerned, I disagree with you. I think most of my reason is pretty sound, to be honest. I miss the mark sometimes, but as a general rule I don't think I'm LIVING ON THE EDGE OF REASON. This isn't Gas Light for heaven's sake. If anything, I think you're the one who's having some reasoning troubles. For one thing, you reduced a relatively substantial post filled with various thoughts and comments to a singular statement, which makes no sense. You also seem to think the post is an expression of confusion over the furor that arose after Kirk Cameron's homophobic statements. It's not. The only person who was surprised by the furor was Kirk Cameron himself. We're all on the same page about this furor and how it makes sense. And to answer your final question, even though I know it was rhetorical, I commented on this issue in the first place because that is literally my job. That is how my landlord gets his money. But most importantly, you, sir, are the one who is living on the edge of reason because I don't even know what you want to say with your comment. Like, are you for or against Kirk Cameron? It's impossible to know! Anyway, I hope this helps. Let me know if there's anything else that you're deeply confused or misguided and mildly insulting but not in a way that's at all effective or hurtful because you're too ridiculous about! Thanks for reading.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

djfreshié | Mar 6th Score:52

My girlfriend thinks the same with me. She is 24 years older than me, lol. We met at Ag’eM’in’g’le The premiere club for older women seek younger men to meet and share your interests and sometimes butter and cookies and sugar candies and cakes and pie lol.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Contest: Paula Deen And Your Boyfriend

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, djfreshie! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

Frank Lloyd Wrong | Mar 7th Score:10

Ah, I see he paints in the French-style.

Posted in: A Guy Paints With His Tongue

[Assoc. Ed. Note: [Polite applause.] ]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

waitingforguffman | Mar 8th Score:3
Preach.

 

Posted in: Vin Diesel Presents The Ropes

[Ed. Note: I just want to make it really clear that the comment "Preach" was left in response to another comment about how The Ropes just looks like a low rent remake of Road House and so no thank you we already have one Road House and it's perfect. (Basically.) PREACH, INDEED. Hahhaa. "Preach."]

Comments (106)
  1. We made it to the weekend! Congrats Ballers!

  2. Guys, this week has been the worst! But Videogum is always the best!

    Here’s to whiskey time!

    • I am now imagining that they’re dancing to a song called “Whiskey Time”, which is sung to the tune of “Edelweiss”. This pleases me.

  3. Gabe – I’m sure you’re not going to indulge this request, but I’m kind of dying to know what the asshole emailed to the tips line.

    Happy Weekend, gang!

  4. Sorry everyone, Gabe just beached over a thousand poor dolphins in Brazil. How sad.

  5. Kelly, first a thank you for the EC. I now have everything possible except a lowest voted. (EC, AEC, Guest EC, #1-5 comments and caption.)

    So, with this in mind. here is a list of things I hate:

    1) Puppies
    2) America
    3) Kittens
    4) Parks & Rec
    5) Louis CK
    6) NPR
    7) Ryan Gosling
    8) Batman
    9) Tilda Swinton
    10) Downton Abbey

    Here are things I like:

    1) Brokencyde
    2) Louis Simon
    3) ALL the Republican candidates
    4) Big Bang Theory
    5) Gwyneth Paltrow
    6) Sea Spiders
    7) 2 Broke Girls
    8) Scary Clowns
    9) Cake Boss
    10) Lindsay Lohan

  6. I’m no code cracker but I think Schmbradley Schmroach = Bradley Roach.

  7. Didn’t make it again! : ( will keep trying – congrats to those who did!

    party weekend fun yeah!

  8. Only one comment! No! By the way all I finally got an iPhone. I feel like I understand all the NYC secrets in the air around me now! …i guess or something

  9. If you didn’t like rejectedjeffdumhampuppet’s pic, you’re going to hate this one, Kelly.


    Now, monsters, I’d like to take an opportunity to bring up a very important issue. We are trying to raise 100 bucks to get Jodie Sweetin to come to videogum tinychat http://www.32auctions.com/organizations/3088/auctions/3450/auction_items/63764
    So far, Facetaco has raised 40 bucks in pledges, If you or a family member can contribute, please get in tough with him @facetaco. Thank you.

  10. Happy Friday, everyone. Hope you have as much fun as the Thermals are having in this gif.

  11. Whelp I got my EGOT!!

    I’d like to thank literally everybody, as has been the standard in the last few weeks of the Ball, but I know I’ll leave somebody out and I don’t want anybody to feel bad, so Instead I’ll just thank may parents and my agent, and also Ag’eming’e.com for being my go-to joke for many things, and then I’d like to turn and use this time to talk about a more political matter that has quickly become near and dear to my heart and that matter is KONY2012

    Guys, Kony is a guy whose video I haven’t seen. Well, it’s not HIS video it’s a video made by invisible children which sounds like a very boring video. Anyways assuming you can hear the delightful sounds of children playing at the least and maybe images of this gentleman “Kony”, then maybe watch this video please.

    Kony has been compared to Hitler and someone else I think Stalin? I don’t know, I just barely saw an image that was a sort of ripoff of the Obama “hope” poster. If this guy is like Hitler or even worse, Stalin, he HAS to be stopped. So share the video and tell your government who can barely manage very simple things like Civil rights and not spending your tax dollars on helicopter rides for fishing trips (Canadians? HELLlllO,) to do something about it. Kill the guy! Or capture the guy and waterboard him. Whatever. We’ve all seen the video. We know it’s what he’s got coming. Well I haven’t seen the video. It’s pretty long. But plenty of people have I’m sure.

    So let’s get Kony. Don’t VOTE for him in 2012 like the poster or hashtag suggests. GET him in 2012, like get him outta town, if you know what I mean. Thanks everyone goodnight!

    Oh, and the very obvious thread of the week.

  12. Aw, my first top-rated comment! Congratulations, me!

  13. omg OMG! My first time in The Ball and I got 2 mentions!!?? And, it’s the weekend, too!?!? Amazeballs!!! this is me right now!

  14. Geez, you send one email to Gabe asking him to watch Adventure Time instead of Walking Dead, and this is how he responds?

  15. To whoever said food=comedy:

    Thanks. I owe you a Lolmelet.

  16. Happy Weekend Single Ladies!

  17. Normally the burden of organizing the Videogum commentator reverse ball list of best and worst blog posts of the week falls on my shoulders but today I abdicate these obligations to any commentator brave enough to step in to the fray. No reason. Just sayin’.

    • Boooo. This is the worst comment of the week.

    • Seeing as I gave the thumbs up to the greenlight of Steve doing this great new thing, I will step up this week.

      Hey it’s the end of the week. It just flew by, didn’t it? Lindsay Lohan dyed her hair, and it just breaks my weak, sputtering heart that this is a news item people are talking about. But hey, we talked about how it needs to be red again, and there it is. We’re like Neo-Mayans. The world is truly our oyster. Anyway. It’s time for another videogum dot com reverse commentator ball re-cap analysis where we check out the top five best blog posts of the week, the worst blog post of the week and the editor choice.

      Top five best blog posts of the week:
      #5. UHOH, THE FASTEST ROBOT WITH LEGS IS SO FAST!
      #4. The Only Rube Goldberg Machine Video We Need
      #3. Toy Shining
      #2. Neil DeGrasse Tyson Shares The Most Astounding Fact
      #1. Amber Tamblyn Is Very Good At Pranks
      [Ed. note - congratulations you earned it. I think the theme to this week was creativity. I really liked all of these posts about people just getting that spark and MAKING something. People get so much out of DOING STUFF, y'know? We've gotta step up and take the reins, right? The world is ours until it's not anymore, imagineered out of existence by very fast robots programmed to take imagination and run with it, so we've gotta make the best of it with whatever time we have left. Good talk.]

      Worst blog post of the week:
      Ann Romney Doesn’t Even Consider Herself Wealthy
      [Ed. note - I'm so tired, you guys. I'm so tired of all of that.]

      Editor Choice:
      Good Morning, Time To Escape Your Cribs!
      [Ed. note - This baby will probably grow up to be one of those rock-climbing, base-jumping Frenchmen, or those kids with their giant swing on spring break or whatever. If any of us have babies or wind up having babies in the future, at least now that we've seen this video we will know the warning signs.]

      Have a good weekend, and remember to not get famous, take sexy-time photos on your phone, caption them, and then get your phone hacked by nerds. You’ll have to lie a lot when it happens, and that’s just exhausting.

  18. Dear Gabe,

    Apparently, my firm grasp of the English language was not with me that day. My first sentence is directed at Kirk Cameron because we all know that he is absurd and that anything he says will likely make no sense and/or ruffle our proverbial feathers. I then go on to note that, from my observations in the past, people on this website have strong opinions on certain topics, and their opinions typically diverge violently from the religious right/conservative end of the spectrum. I feel that in past threads, we have achieved a general site-wide consensus on our views vis a vis gay marriage and such. Thus, seeing as how Kirk Cameron is not particularly notable, why even bring this topic up? You have no real thesis except to again note why homosexual marriage should exist, and then you call this random cable segment unnecessary. Piers Morgan isn’t exactly a paragon of journalistic standards and we should all accept that we knew this would be a worthless segment of television the second we learned it existed. Thus, why waste time putting out a post that would either just strengthen our views against the conservative Christians on a topic we’ve already discussed or force us to again acknowledge that this bit of cable fluff is still worthless? If you’re going to make this a post, it should at least be a Duh Aficianado or something.

    Long story short, I agree with you, Gabe, and I agree with 94.7% of what you do, but I just question why this particular post needs to exist. My challenge to you going forward from this debacle is to strive to be better than Piers Morgan.

    Respectfully,
    Tyrese Gibson

    • Rad clarification

      (seriously)

      • Open letter to Facebook Connect:

        Though I am not the first, nor will I be the last, I curse your sneaky nature, your ubiquitous presence, and your skynet capabilities.

        Sincerely,

        John Conner

        • Ha ha ha! Your name is “Gideon”!!??

          “This bible was placed here by a Gideon. When!? I been here all day I aint seen shit. What are they ninjas? I’m gonna capture me a Gideon. Hello, front desk? I don’t seem to have a bible in my room…” – the master

          • Open letter to Steve Winwood:

            As I go through life, I encounter three distinct groups of people. Upon hearing my name, the first group (by far the majority) HILARIOUSLY offers up some variation on, “I’ve got a bible in my hotel room with your name on it.” The second group is made up of two responders – law students (“Oh, like Gideon v. Wainwright”) and Beatles fans (“Oh, like Rocky Raccoon”).

            With all due respect to Bill Hicks, with which group do you think I prefer to associate myself?

            Sincerely,

            Ginger Ball Z

  19. Good week, and to cap it, the season finale of Portlandia, which, according to Wikipedia, has a Metacritic rating of “generally favorable review.” For an IFC show, that’s like three Michelin stars.

  20. i dream if you on colfd winter night!! this comment sectuin a beautiful~~~

  21. Videogum’s the best website. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten mad at anything on this site except when they marketed tobacco products to kids. Having said that: GABE I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL STOP READING THIS WEBSITE UNLESS YOU INCREASE THE PROPORTION OF TRAMPOLINE ACCIDENT VIDEOS AN WMOATs (just kidding, but seriously re. the trampoline accident videos).

    Also, I ALSO need the LV to complete my EGOT but i hold only one controversial opinion, which i will post below, take it for what you will.

  22. http://lnk。co/ILTHN caps just need $15,so fun

  23. It is OK. Join the site “ R‘ich M’ingle , C o M ” to meet many rich men and beautiful women .

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