Personally, I’m not a huge Anne Hathaway fan. Sorry! She just seems very pinched and cold to the point of being emotionally unavailable and possibly cruel. The words “vagina dentata” come to mind. If her genitals do have teeth, it is simply for the purpose of grinding up male genitalia and turning them into EXCITING CAREER OPPORTUNITIES! Look, Anne Hathaway was clearly determined to become a movie star to the degree that you can’t just turn that determination off or wipe it’s sneer from your face, and she got what she wanted so bully for her, but that doesn’t mean I need to see or enjoy her movies. I am, however, a big fan of this complicated Anne Hathaway humblebrag quote. From the New York Post:

“I never sit in judgment. Lindsay Lohan and I have more in common than people think,” Hathaway tells The Sun. “We’ve all done things we shouldn’t. It is just that I did stuff at college when nobody knew about it. I’m not a saint. I wasted time doing self-destructive things. I found out you can only dance on so many table tops.”

Wowowowowow! What an incredible masterwork of condescending self-absorption! Shall we break it down bit by bit? What else are we going to do? Live meaningful and productive lives filled with deeply fulfilling human relationships and an honest engagement with the world around us? Nah. Let’s break it down bit by bit!

First of all, Anne Hathaway starts her quote off with a lie. She ALWAYS sits in judgement. (Also who says “sit in judgement”? That is something you say when you are an ACTUAL judge or a Rabbi talking about The Ultimate Judge.) You know that she sits in judgement in three ways: one because people who say they don’t judge other people DEF judge other people, two her face, and three because the next thing she says is actually a tacit judgement of Lindsay Lohan. By saying that she actually has more in common with Lindsay Lohan than people think (as if people are just constantly sitting around trying to figure out ways in which Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway are similar and ways in which they are different. It’s a popular party game, I’m sure) she is positing herself as the good one and Lindsay Lohan as the bad one. The worst part is that she’s clearly trying to get some of that sensationally Bad Girl Stink to rub off on her and make her seem cooler and more fun and less like a career-driven ego-nightmare with a vagina full of three rows of razor-sharp shark teeth. Ugh! To simultaneously judge someone, try and steal their Highlander essence from them for yourself, and posit yourself as an enlightened human being who is above it all is a VERY IMPRESSIVE bit of TERRIBLE GARBAGE. Two lines in and this quote is already that rope dancer from the Super Bowl half-time show.

“We’ve all done things we shouldn’t.” OK, sure. This is a thing someone says. Next:

“It is just that I did stuff at college when nobody knew about it.” GAHHH! This is a good one (this is a bad one). First of all, yes, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t, and we all CONTINUE TO DO THINGS WE SHOULDN’T UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE. It’s called being a living human being. Everyone makes mistakes, as Anne Hathaway has already pointed out, but no one STOPS making mistakes. EVEN IF THEY HAVE BEEN TO COLLEGE. (Cool fact to slip in, Anne Hathaway. It may or may not be worth pointing out that Lindsay Lohan did not go to college. Although you already knew that from your nightly tabulation of Similarties/Differences btw A. Hathaway/L. Lohan.) Also, when she says “when nobody knew about it” she’s referring to the paparazzi swarm that awaits her and Lindsay’s every move. I’m sure that is a for real uncomfortable situation, and much like how I am glad there was no YouTube when I was an adolescent because I would have uploaded so many embarrassing things, I bet a celebrity who is better at impulse control and/or controlling her story does appreciate that this tractor beam of attention wasn’t around when she was still “working things out.” But it’s also a real weird division to draw in the sand “when nobody knew about it” because it is just another way of saying “before I was famous.” Cool. Cool, Anne Hathaway.

“I wasted time doing self-destructive things.” Pics or it didn’t happen, Anne Hathaway. This is the Party Girl equivalent of Charlize Theron saying she was a nerd. I refuse to believe that Anne Hathaway was doing anything other than rubbing vaseline on her teeth and stapling acting resumes to the backs of headshots at all hours of the night until someone reeking of Zima emerges from the woodwork to back up these claims.

And finally: “I found out you can only dance on so many table tops.” Ha! This sounds like a group of 50-year-old men in a writers room trying to determine what is the “wildest” thing a “self-desctructive girl” could possibly do. Also, it sounds like a lie. It reminds me of the part in 40 Year Old Virgin when Steve Carrell describes breasts as bags of sand. And, of course, once again we have Anne Hathaway riding that fine line. “I’m a fun girl who used to get crazy and dance on table tops, totally, that definitely happened for real. But now I recognize that anyone who does that is a fucking waste-oid, but also let’s not sit in judgement because we are all God’s creatures, it’s just that God chose some of us to be faaaaaammoouuuuuuuus! I’m Anne Hathaway and you’re watching The Oscars!”

OUR generation’s Gwyneth Paltrow! Seriously.

Comments (66)
  1. I have never laughed so hard at the phrase ‘vagina dentata” in my life.

  2. I know the dentist who does her vagina. It’s no big deal.

  3. “Who do you think you Lindsay Lohan? I am!” – Anne Hathaway’s bowling line probably.

  4. Jeez, Gabe. The lady was just saying that she was a drunken mess who sought the wrong kind of attention and that she was fortunate not to have been famous yet when she was in that stage. Doesn’t seem like the worst thing you can say.*

    *I’m 100% with you on the judging thing, though. Of course she was making a judgment! That’s what humans do! (It’s actually a really big pet peeve of mine when people claim not to judge others or are critical of people being judgmental. What the Hell is that even supposed to mean? You either make judgments about people and their actions, or you’re brain dead. Let’s all stop with the false modesty bullshit about not judging others. Judge away, you waffling twits. It’s normal!)

  5. So, is she saying she was in Coyote Ugly?

  6. “I wish I hadn’t done a lot of the things that I did in college…

    but hathaway it is.”

  7. Looks like Anne Hathaway just won herself a one-way ticket to ride on the I Was Bullied By Gabe Train!

  8. “I wasted time doing self-destructive things.” Time I could have spent stapling resumes to headshots; time I could have spent comparing/contrasting myself with that Lohan creature; time I could have spent destroying you and anyone else who might have had the temerity–the temerity!–to get in my way.

  9. Not cool, Gabe. Just because someone has vagina dentata, that doesn’t make them Anne Hathaway. There’s enough to deal with regarding insurance and finding a qualified dentist without adding insult into the mix, ok?

  10. nerds who turn hot post-puberty are generally mean people

    • am i referring to anne or gabe?

    • Whatever! Nerds who turn hot post-puberty are the BEST people. Because they didn’t grow up attractive. They had their attractiveness thrust upon them. They know how the other half lives, and they are better people for it.

      • This could go either way. Either they hate all the assholes who were ever not nice to them or they’re the best kind of hot people – those who don’t know they’re hot but who also have personality because they could never rely on their looks.

        Anne Hathaway is clearly not one of them. She either was always hot (remember when they took her glasses off in Princess Diaries?!) or she worked very very hard to get to where she is (fame and hotness-wise) so she always valued looks over personality.

        No judgment.

  11. “Going in and out of rehab and jail.drinking a lot of alcohol, doing a lot of coke, carjacking a dude, and getting a couple of DUIs, putting dozens of people in danger hardly seems self-destructive. I’ll show you self-destructive. Get me three Vodka-cranberries, an LMFAO playlist, and an elevated surface, and let’s. get. wild.” – her

  12. “…until someone reeking of Zima emerges from the woodwork to back up these claims.”

    “Doug, wake up. Where are the car keys? I am needed.” — Courteny Stodden.

  13. I’m not one to stand in judgement of sweet Annie Hathaway, but everything you wrote is true.

  14. Gabe, she’s talking about her crazy year or two at Vassar (pre-NYU Tisch transfer obviously). Vassar girls be crazy.

  15. Anne Hathaway wants to be “interesting” like Angelina Jolie (Angelina Jolie is not actually interesting, she is just a pretty person who used to overshare about her sex life).

  16. Man, settle down.

  17. I’m sure she still likes to reminisce about the old days

    http://imgur.com/CZy74

  18. At least Anne Hathaway gave a shit at the Oscars. James Franco sat there like a stoned loser. And she’s always been a steadfast defender of gay rights (see attached video where she talks about her gay brother). I dunno, it just seems like because she’s so pretty and earnest-seeming, people love to hate her. Which is kind of a lame reason for hating her.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZuIdQVEVY0

    • Oh Man, you guys HAVE to watch this. It is the ultimate humblebrag. The best part is when she “accidentally” slips in that “many people” have told her she was brace but then “corrects” herself to just “people” because “that’s such a jerk thing to say.” LOLOLZ!

  19. The “dancing on tables” part made me think of “10 Things I Hate About You” — Julia Stiles did that in HIGH SCHOOL, bitch. Beat that!

  20. Ok. I get it. Anne Hathaway = the worst. But putting that aside can we please talk about why this question was even posited in the first place? I’m pretty sure every actor on earth has been asked what they think of Lindsay Lohan. And quite like my girlfriends opinion on Leap Day I just DON’T GET why “journalists” keep asking this question. How does someone even answer this question without being an asshole…

  21. Anne Hathaway was so down to earth before she got that job at a big magazine and started wearing high heels and nice clothes. I haven’t even heard from her since she took that business trip to Paris.

  22. One of the most unnecessarily – I don’t think misogynistic is the right word, but I think it’s closest – posts on videogum. What the fuck is with all the vagina references? Why not just call her a cunt and get it over with? This is unreal bad.

    • I finally got an account here just to say that I agree.

      One of the reasons I love reading this site is because THIS is the kind of shit they don’t post here. What the fuck happened?

    • I agree, I am pretty upset with this post. Normally Videogum doesn’t make these kind of unwarranted comments, so that crack about vagina dentata came out of left field for me. I love this website, and normally Gabe is fairly even handed in his writing but this does strike me as misogynist. I wish it didn’t. I love Gabe and Kelly’s writing because I don’t feel punished for being a woman and daring to read funny posts on the internet which I truly can’t say about a lot of other places out there. This post does revert to making me feel that way and I’m disappointed. I’ve been trying to figure out how to word this comment, so I’m glad someone spoke up in the meantime while I gathered myself.

      • It wasn’t just the ‘vagina dentata’ thing. This whole sentence uses misogynist dog whistle words: “She just seems very pinched and cold to the point of being emotionally unavailable and possibly cruel.” I’m surprised he didn’t throw in ‘frigid’ for good measure.

        When’s the last time you heard a male celebrity described that way? Why would you describe *any* celebrity that way? Gabe, you don’t know this lady. She has no obligation to appear warm and friendly to random strangers on the internet.

        • Oh, I forgot ‘career-driven’ used as an insult. Just– wow.

          • Ambition as an insult to a woman is always upsetting as well. The tone and content of this entire post is upsetting.
            I don’t appreciate the common posts of late about hating some actress for making fairly benign comments. I get if they put their foot in their mouth, threw a fit (‘don’t you know I hate these flowers’ Madonna behaviour comes to mind), or are making comments about stopping 9/11 (never stop, Marky Mark), but really passive comments like, we all have our demons or I went through teasing in school too, are a stretch for me. With this post, that trend of posts went from boring to offensive.

          • I agree with all three of you. I was really thrown when I read the “vagina dentata” thing. I love Gabe’s writing, but this whole post made me uneasy. There’s some weird insults based on assumptions in this post. I don’t like Anne Hathaway at all, but can’t we laugh at her without talking about her vagina? I’m gonna write “vagina” one more time for fun.

          • I agree with all of this and Anne Hathaway gives me high school theatre-related PTSD.

    • I’m coming down on the Anne Hathaway side too. I mean, for serious? What she said was vaguely annoying, but had positive intent, and certainly doesn’t warrant this level of deep analyzation. I hope I’m in the majority when I say that cruel personal comments about relatively non-offensive actor people is not in the slightest bit creative or interesting. I recognize the fact that a certain level of bitter Gabe sarcasm is to be expected once in a while, but this is excessive.

  23. Judging people is one of life’s many simple pleasures!

    I have hated Miss Hathaway since that godawful movie Love and Other Drugs and now my hate is cemented as she will now deface the name of Catwoman with her “I’m-trying-really-hard-to-be-hotsexy-and-throw-come-hither-looks-but-I’m-really-a-vanilla-corpse-in-bed” way.

  24. Could it be that Gabe got so liberal and politically correct and so concerned with offending nobody but at the same time being sneeringly aloof that it drove him to madness, and now he has come out the other side a manic, disheveled AM talk radio DJ?

  25. For what it’s worth, she WAS in a a capella group in Vassar. My gay friend got stoned and touched her butt! (This is a true story.)

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