C’mon, baby, we don’t have all day. You’re living in our house for free and we’ve only given you a few tasks, one of which is making the coffee. It’s certainly not that hard — we have a coffee maker that runs on pods, for goodness sakes. I don’t want to have to come down on you like this, but lately you have just been completely unreliable when it comes to the making the coffee, and for this home to run like the well-oiled machine it should, well — you need to be on top of your shit. You’re old enough to hear this. I’m only this upset because I fully believe that you can do this if you just put your mind to it. You’re not like the babies who are in charge of trivial tasks like putting away the toys, or putting blocks in correctly-shaped block holes, or just jumping in their damn jumping swings. You know what I’m talking about? Those swings? You’re different. You’re better than that. You’re in charge of the coffee.

There you go, baby. To be honest, though, I’d like to see you doing this on your own soon. If we had time to help you every morning, why would we even put you in charge? (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (20)
  1. The best part of waking up, is baby drool in your cup.

  2. Great. Now I’m in love with a stranger’s baby. Thanks a lot, Kelly.

  3. One venti baby formula latte, please. Extra foam.

  4. Just found out that my phone auto corrects the word “barista” to “variegated”.

  5. Baby, you’re on the counter you’re gonna fall! Baby, don’t touch that! You could squish your fingers! Baby, watch out! There are pointy needles in the coffee machine! Baby don’t touch that button! Hot water’s gonna come out and you’re gonna get burned! Baby, don’t clap while you’re on the counter! You might slip!*

    *all the things I thought as I watched this, now that parenting has ruined my nerves.

  6. Must be a baby thing. Facetaquito LOVES making coffee with me. Granted, he’s not at this level quite yet, I have to carry him and he can only put in the filter and push the button to turn it on. But he’s getting there!

    • I like that you’re training him early, but the first thing I would teach my non-existent baby is how to use a bottle opener. I’ve already conveniently prepared for this by storing my beer on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator.

      • Yesterday, Facetaquito mastered the art of bringing the grocery bags to the kitchen as I bring them in from the car. Apparently, kids are useful things to have!

  7. All of this leads up to being the one barista at Starbucks that can make a leaf shape out of latte foam, but who gets yelled at because making leaves in latte foam is not up to Starbucks standards.

  8. Is her name story? I don’t care for that name.

  9. As she is a baby who is (likely) still in diapers, I’m assuming she is often on top of her shit.

  10. STORY
    Would you like some coffee? Just the way you like it?

    Yeah, I’d love a coffee. It’ll wake me up.


    You never forget how, do you?

    No. I never forget.

    And as the day wore on, Story thought it was the happiest day of her life. All the problems seemed to have disappeared from her mommy’s mind. There was no Daddy, there was no Smelly Older Brother, there was no grief, there was only Story.

  11. The baby in China that made the coffee machine was three months younger than this kid. North American babies are so coddled.

  12. Not impressed. Making coffee with a Keurig is baby time, anyway.

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