Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Kelly: How are you
Gabe: not bad
Gabe: you?
Kelly: I’m not bad, either.
Gabe: v. cool
Gabe: v. cool of us
Kelly: Yes we’re both very cool
Kelly: So what’s up?
Gabe: today i wanted to rap at you
Gabe: about Lindsay Lohan hosting this weekend’s episode of Saturday Night Live
Gabe: r u ready?
Kelly: Oooooh, great!
Kelly: Yes
Gabe: do u have ur snax?
Kelly: Yes I have my snax

Gabe: i feel like hosting SNL is a big thing for a performer to get to do, and even though that show has been on for a million years, it is still a relatively exclusive club
Gabe: so it just makes sense for a drug addict with a non-existent career
Gabe: to fill one of those slots
Gabe: it’s neat
Gabe: it’s fun
Gabe: she’s SOOOOOOO funny, too
Kelly: Did you hear that she’s hosting because she asked Lorne Michaels HERSELF if she could host?
Gabe: is that true?
Gabe: is that how the world works?
Kelly: Apparently that is how the world works for some
Gabe: sometimes you just have to ask for what you want
Gabe: Chapter Three: The Secret
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: But I am a little on the fence about it all
Kelly: Because at least she is doing something?
Gabe: you are always on the fence
Gabe: get off the fence, kelly
Kelly: No way I like it on the fence you get to see both sides!
Kelly: But you know at least for 1.5 hours on Saturday night
Kelly: The world will know that Lindsay Lohan is working
Kelly: On a sketch show that many performers would love to get the chance to host
Kelly: Because she asked
Gabe: what i want to know
Gabe: is, like, OK, basically LIndsay Lohan’s job for the past couple of years
Gabe: has been to be a train wreck


Kelly: yes
Gabe: and so if she gets on the cover of a magazine
Gabe: or hosts a late night sketch comedy show
Gabe: it is in large part because those businesses
Gabe: are relying on people’s desire to see a train wreck
Gabe: but i actually am not sure that is working
Gabe: i feel like people aren’t that into this wreck
Kelly: Yeah, because this train wreck has been a train wreck for too long, I think.
Kelly: I barely remember when it was anything other than a train wreck
Gabe: well, right
Gabe: that’s also part of it
Gabe: like, whitney houston (uh oh, here we go)
Gabe: but whitney houston or michael jackson as examples
Gabe: of Classic Train Wrecks
Gabe: Before They Died
Kelly: Mhm
Gabe: were at least
Gabe: amazing singers and performers
Gabe: before they went off the rails
Gabe: so part of the fascination was with the wreckage but also with
Gabe: the eternal hope/promise that somehow
Gabe: they’d pull themselves out of it
Gabe: and return to their former glory
Gabe: but in this case it’s like, what is she going to return to?
Gabe: Mean Girls 3?
Gabe: Garrison Keillor’s Little House on the Prairie
Kelly: Hahah, right.
Kelly: Well I think also with Lindsay Lohan, more than Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson, people are kind of following it because they hope she gets better, just because she is a young woman who was a train wreck so early on in her life?
Kelly: Just as a human and not as a performer
Kelly: But maybe only a small percentage, and maybe the rest of everyone are just bored with her train wreck and want it to wreck somewhere out of their faces
Kelly: It’s a very weird thing
Kelly: But I don’t think Saturday Night Live is having her on in the hopes that she will be a train wreck
Kelly: But
Kelly: Do you think they’re hoping that that is why people will watch?
Kelly: To see her be a train wreck?


Gabe: i mean, why else would someone watch?
Gabe: because of her chops? her comedy chops?
Kelly: Why do people ever watch SNL when there’s a lame host?
Kelly: Because it’s their job and they have to write about it for a blog?
Kelly: Yeah, I don’t know
Kelly: To see a show?!
Kelly: Maybe you’re right
Gabe: i am not saying they want her to be a train wreck
Gabe: but it is definitely a sensational booking
Kelly: Yeah
Gabe: it is a Tabloid Booking
Gabe: i like that in one article
Gabe: she told someone that she was willing to “make fun of anything”
Gabe: and it’s like, uh, yeah
Gabe: of course you are
Gabe: if there is one thing that the world now understands about LIndsay Lohan
Gabe: it is that the boundaries are blurry
Gabe: and her Willingness Level is at CODE RED


Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: As it probably needs to be
Gabe: well, no
Gabe: i disagree
Gabe: i think that’s part of the problem
Kelly: How do you mean
Gabe: people don’t like Aggressive Desperation
Gabe: when she is like I’LL DO ANYTHING that is exactly when people are like
Gabe: THEN YOU GET NOTHING
Gabe: i’m sure it has something to do with supply and demand economics
Gabe: because of how i went to college
Kelly: Well, sure
Kelly: But people do like aggressively trying to make amends, I think. Or they at least don’t dislike it as much as “I’LL DO ANYTHING”
Kelly: And that’s more of what I was talking about
Gabe: the amends of hosting Saturday Night Live
Gabe: “I am sorry to everyone I hurt in the past by not hosting Saturday Night Live.”
Kelly: Well the amends of trying to get her life back on track, and asking Lorne Michaels if ask if you could host Saturday Night Live, as a favor
Gabe: hahaha uh huh
Kelly: Or like taking whatever role you’re offered
Kelly: I DON’T KNOW I’M TRYING TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE!
Gabe: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/amends
Kelly: And I do think that the SNL booking could also be a mercy booking
Kelly: In addition to a tabloid booking
Gabe: sure
Gabe: it could be a mercy booking
Gabe: the point is
Gabe: it’s going to be great
Gabe: it’s what America wants
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: and we’re going to laugh so hard
Kelly: Right, you’re right
Kelly: I can’t wait to see it.
Gabe: at all the great jokes about doing cocaine and sleeping with Samantha Ronson
Gabe: “LOLOL” – America, March 3rd, 11:32 PM
Kelly: It’s all on the table and it’s all very funny and I can’t wait to laugh about about it forever and ever after it happens.
Kelly: Lindsay Forever
Kelly: XOXO Lindsay
Kelly: Linsanity
Gabe: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SAD DESPERATE FORMERLY PROMISING ACTRESS WITH FLUCTUATING BREAST SIZE COCAINE TRAIN WRECK LOLOLZ

Comments (50)
  1. Didn’t LL already show us her comedy chops when she was getting out of a limo that time?

  2. I bet she could do a really good Lana Del Rey inpersonation. #toosoon?

  3. Gabe, pleeeeeaaaaase book Lindsay Lohan for Mr. Coconuts next month. Consider it a mercy booking for her, and a gift to me. We both know you were gonna get me something anyway.

  4. More like Saturday Night Dead.*

    * I am 100% sure that I am the first person to think of this clever and not at all hackneyed pun.

  5. “FIRST” – Lindsay Lohan.

  6. You call that a train wreck? This…

    is a train wreck.

  7. I bet I can’ t think of 10 other people that are more relevant and more deserving to host SNL than Lindsay Lohan.

    -Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, Louis CK, Aisha Tyler, Nick Offerman, Paul Scheer, Alison Brie, Timothy Olyphant, Paul F Tompkins, Mila Kunis

  8. Serious question here. I don’t know a great deal about the human body, or how these kinds of things work. So, please forgive me if it is natural for lady parts to fluctuate in size like this- but does she have cheek implants?

    These promos were reminding me of that time when I was young and my brother fell out of a tree and landed on an old stump with a bees nest in it. He was stung on each cheek and looked something like this Lindsay Lohan character for the next week or so. Is that was happened to Lindsay? Did she fall into a nest of bees? Is Lindsay my brother?

  9. The only thing I’ll be laughing it is how she used plastic surgery to turn her naturally pretty face into a Madonna-meets-Meg Ryan horror show, and she’s only 25. Imagine what that shit’s going to look like in 30 years!

  10. She was a good fit for SNL when she looked younger and fresher and her name was Anthony Michael Hall.

  11. Weird, I hit CTRL F and then I typed “Fired” and nothing and then I typed “Fire” and nothing and I CTRL F’d the heck out of every possible incarnation of firing someone or the like and, hey look, did Kelly get fired this week or what?

  12. A drug addict with a nonexistent career on SNL?!?! *fans self*

  13. The most shocking revelation here is that Videogum does not use Merriam-Webster? C’mon, son!

  14. You guyyyys, this is my favorite thing of the week. You’re both wonderful. Never take this away again.

  15. Whatever, it’ll be totally hot.

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