Hold onto your brains, guys, ’cause I have some PRETTY BIG media news to announce and I don’t want your brains to get all over your computers and your clothes and the floor. You got ‘em? Hold on tight, cause: Perez Hilton is getting a TV show! Perez Hilton ia getting a TV show! HOORAY, PEREZ HILTON, HOORAY!! From Deadline:

The CW has picked up two episodes of Perez Hilton Superfan, an unscripted series featuring the celebrity blogger getting close and personal with a different superstar each week. The series of specials was originally commissioned by U.K.’s ITV2 in November with a four-episode order, which premiered in December. The two specials acquired by the CW showcase Lady Gaga and Katy Perry.

Of course it seems a little silly to be upset about a TV show that all of us will certainly never watch, even though it is on our favorite network The CW, because it’s not going to really be affecting us at all and who cares. Live and let live. Right. But, well, NO it’s still upsetting! I DO HAVE A HEART, YOU KNOW! Ugh, that guy, what an obnoxious, horrible, garbage fame monster. If he gets a TV show, the blogger who gained notoriety by drawing mindlessly mean things (read: dicks) on photos of celebrities, WHY DON’T WE ALL GET TV SHOWS? It just doesn’t seem fair. After the jump, a list of things that would be better TV shows than this TV show, and maybe the CW should give these shows a shot?

  • Twitter TV: People are forced to read their own tweets aloud in front of a camera.
  • Kelly TV: Anything I want.
  • Just Blog It: Unscripted series about a person trying to start an entertainment blog, starting RIGHT when they get the idea to do it.
  • This Guy Looks Like You: TV show about people who look like other people.
  • Bordain Rants: Anthony Bordain rants.
  • Edith: Downton Abbey spinoff.
  • You Said This: People are followed around by cameras and then afterwards their real-life is formatted as a screenplay, and then they have to act out the screenplay.
  • Nothing To Wear: A person who has a lot of clothes but they never really want to wear any of them.
  • The Little Mermaid: Girl is forced to wear a mermaid tail to school.

Any of those! Are you listening, CW?! DO YOU EVER LISTEN?

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Comments (47)
  1. Ugh, his face is so bad.

    • Well, to be fair, he is a Hilton after all!

      I would vote for “Twitter TV: People are forced to read their own tweets aloud in front of a camera.”

      Just thinking of actual terrorist Twi-Hards and lunatic Brangeloonies reading their comments, OUT LOUD, in front of actual human beings, gives me the giggles.

      I would certainly tune in!

  2. Monsters: A 64 way splitscreen of people commenting on Videogum at their desks.

  3. It’s pretty sad that the title H8R was already wasted. Now we have to come up with some other title for this show!

    I MS Paint Jizz Stains On People And You Can Too!!!
    How To Make It In America By Being The Worst
    Gossip, GIIRRRRRLLLLL!
    [sorry]
    Perez Hilton IS The Blogervationist’s Intern

    • Why is it that every time I come up with joke names for a stupid TV show, that show already has the name Superfan! It’s like they don’t even care about my input or somethin’. Mannnn, funk dat!

  4. I was hoping that after the jump, you wrote ‘Anything else.’

  5. I imagine that Kelly TV would be Kelly hanging out with the cast of Breaking Bad, and having madcap hijinks with Bryan Cranston, and they would wear matching Bryan Cranston sneakers, and have fancy brunches while wearing oversized sunglasses (because that is what fancy people do, right? I will have to email the Theremin guy from the previous post, he was the fanciest of us all).

    Pretty much it will be the best show.

  6. The Gif of the Magi — Short stories with twist endings presented in gif form like so:

  7. Every entry below Kelly TV just sound like super awesome episodes of Kelly TV

  8. Maybe he can MS Paint some higher numbers onto the Nielsen ratings.

  9. Just Blog It: Unscripted series about a person trying to start an entertainment blog, starting RIGHT when they get the idea to do it.

    This sounds a lot like that awful movie based on a book based on a blog “Julia & Julia” which, albeit featuring an hilarious Meryl Streep/Julia Child impression, was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. And yet! A lot of people loved that movie.

    So naturally, this idea will probably become a reality.

    • Other things a lot of people like:

      -Crocs
      -iPads
      -Perez Hilton
      -cheez from a can
      -saying “co-ink-i-dink” instead of coincidence.

      People suck, is what I’m saying.

      • Oh, no doubt. But this is why I’m pretty sure that “starting a blog reality show” is a certainty.

        And this is also why “Crocs in a can” is also a certainty. Think about it. It’s coming. You open the can. You take out a pair of disposable crocs. You wear them. You throw them out. It combines everything the Plebians love – Opening things – wearing stupid things – throwing things out.

        • Also: Crocs!

        • Hey, I LOVE opening things.

          • Well tell me something else you love, and I will put it in a can for you.

            OH MY GOD I FINALLY FOUND A BUSINESS TO START: “LET ME PUT THAT IN A CAN FOR YA” I put things in a can to order. AIRTIGHT. Who doesn’t love opening a fresh can of Tennis balls? Well imagine if everything could be like that. Yogurt. Mousepads. Earbuds. Bottled Water. Calculator. Laptops. Smartphones. Chia Pets. Crocs. Michael Bay Movies.

            It’s perfect. Good god, it’s the perfect business. The future is so bright I’m going to have to put on a pair giant elderly person drugstore sunglasses

          • Funrelated fact*: The Timbuk3 hit jam “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” is actually, in fact, about nuclear war. One can only assume that you are envisioning a future in which, frustrated with the request to can 99 red balloons, you accidentally let them all go, which causes widespread destruction.

            *Coining the phrase “funrelated fact” is the most productive I will be all day.

          • Then have I got a zipper for you!

          • One of those replies was for DJ Freshie, and one was for Truckasaurus. I’ll let you decide which is which.

          • Good luck finding a can for Marky Mark quotes!

          • 1) Didn’t an American republican candidate use that song once to imply that the future was bright should you vote for them? It sounds right, I’ll assume it’s fact without looking it up. REPUBLICANS: Always assuming the chorus of every song is exactly and literally what the song is about.

            2) @ Truckasaurus: If my business were up and running, I would absolutely have already mailed you a can in which i slipped a thin piece of paper with Marky Mark quotes written on them. “Thanks” you’d say. “That’ll be 9.99 + Shipping and Handling” I’d say. We’d say a lot of other things too!!!

            3) @FT: Thanks for the zipper!!

          • djfreshie! you complete me.

            Also, instead of 9.99 US dollars, would you accept payment in the form of ideas for future things to put in cans? Sunglasses, for one.

          • SUNGLASSES IN A CAN.

            holy fuck, this business plan writes itself.

            Mission Statement: Everything in cans
            USP: Some companies put things in cans, but we put everything in cans
            Executive Summary: Cans!
            Market Analysis: People like opening cans. The products in the cans will be placed to order so our demographic could include anyone with a mailing address
            Competitive analysis: Everyone who cans things
            Financials: $$$$$$$
            Personnel: Me, probably some friends. Truckasauraus.

            Okay, INVESTORS get your fucking chequebooks the fuck out and SIGN SOME GODDAMNED CHEQUES

  10. Bing counter: a show that notes how many times people make sure you know they said “Bing it” instead of “google it”.

  11. He had a show on VH1 for a while, and we seem to be doing just fine. So, this, too, shall pass.

  12. Kelly I love all your TV show ideas please make them all thanks go to bed I love you.

  13. You know, I was all, “LOLZ Mayan 2012 Apocalypse”, but with Republican Primary and now this (and also, Taylor Swift)? I’m totally going to start spending my money like there’s no tomorrow.

    And also, I would watch the shit out of Bourdain’s rants. I already watch him get drunk and stuff his face.

  14. Bordain Rants would be better than just about anything on TV right now, and infinity times better than this season of Top Chef.

  15. Bourdain Rants sounds utterly amazing. Could only be better if Little Mermaid girl’s family died from Paula Deen dessert-induced diabetes leaving only Anthony Bourdain to raise her. Imagine how fun sushi night would be!

  16. my favorite is you said this.

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