The big news that everyone’s talking about today, besides Hugo‘s sweep of the Sound Mixing AND Sound Editing categories is the new Carl’s Jr. commercial for some kind of cheeseburger featuring Kate Upton, whoever that is, fucking her own face with the hamburger. It premiered during the Oscars last night and America loves it. (“Hey, let’s get a couple of these sex burgers and watch the premiere of You Cant Trust The B In That Apartment!” – America) Did you know Kate Upton is an equestrian and her uncle is a congressman? Do you care? Can you even hear what I’m talking about with all of that sex and burger meat in your eyes? Of course, this ad is basically a rehash of the old Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. ad that Americans fell in love with back in the ’90s. But it’s fun to do that again. It was so great the first time. I think it’s ironic because we don’t treat women this way anymore, right? Because of Bridesmaids? Is that why it’s ironic? Or is it ironic because the last thing I am really interested in after watching this commercial is eating a cheeseburger. No offense, cheeseburger. You look great. Have you been working out? That is me asking the cheeseburger if it’s been working out. This is a good blog. Why is she fucking the cheeseburger at a Drive-In Movie Theater, though? And I have a follow-up question: where is there a Drive-In Movie Theater? Let’s watch this ad again (and again and again, am I right, fellas? Who doesn’t love this ad?!) and then I have a question to ask you:

Here’s my question:

You Guys Want To Have Sex With A Cheeseburger?

View Results

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It will be exciting to see how this poll turns out. I believe it is as scientifically valid as the poll today that said Rick Santorum would beat Barack Obama in a general election. Good poll. Sounds real. Sex burgers.

Comments (64)
  1. It depends on the kind of buns they use.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  2. I’ve been treated worse by better.

  3. I feel like I should love this because I do love sandwiches. But I love sandwiches platonically, and this just makes me uncomfortable*.

    *full disclosure – as a Minnesotan, pretty much everything makes me uncomfortable. Discomfort is the root of our niceness. themoreyouknow.jpg

  4. Her uncle introduced the Video Games Decency Act into the House, but he is okay with this going on the air?

    • From Wikipedia:

      Upton’s website once stated: “I strongly believe that everything must be on the table as we seek to reduce carbon emissions.”[20] In April 2009, he maintained that “[c]limate change is a serious problem that necessitates serious solutions. Everything must be on the table.”[21] However, “Upton has gradually retreated from his moderate stance on climate change and carbon emissions.”[20] In late 2010, he co-authored a Wall Street Journal editorial saying he was “not convinced” that “carbon is a problem in need of regulation,” and urging Congress to overturn EPA regulations of greenhouse gases.[22] He is the co-sponsor, with Ed Whitfield, of the “Energy Tax Prevention Act of 2011”.[23]

      So in order to stay electable in the current political climate, a semi-moderate Republican had to reverse his environmental stance? Ugh. Fuck these people. And their nieces who fuck hamburgers… which is probably more acceptable than gay marriage.

    • “Better eat that cheeseburger with an aspirin between the buns to be safe” -old republican weirdos

  5. This guy knows what you’re talking about:

    • Even back then when he described it hypothetically the first time, I knew I wanted to see that ad.

    • Also: everytime I see that avatar, I hear the nightmare noise old Satchmo makes with his teeth so, in case you were worried: it’s doing its job.

      • Thanks djfreshie, although I must say I’m a little disheartened. In spite of your dramatic near-death experience, you continue to waste your time commenting on the internet. I thought you might have turned your life around, and become one of those annoying born-again types; jabbering on about second chances and how life is “too precious to waste”

        • Haha, nice one. You know what I was doing right as the car started to drift? I was setting my fantasy hockey lines on my smartphone.

          “djfreshie…he died as he lived: Wasting time managing a made-up hockey team.” would have been my epitaph.

          And you know what me and my friends did that night? We got really drunk and talked ad nauseum about our made up hockey teams.

          NVR CHANGE.

    • I too was reminded of that rad Bill Hicks moment in the sun

    • Dr. Pepper! Snickers!

      It is messed up how so many hilarious-in-their-absurdity jokes from the past are now common place today.

      The one that always gets me is the Mr. Show sketch where there is an East Coast/ West Coast ventriloquist war, and because of it ventriloquism starts seeping into teenage counter-culture or whatever, and there’s a scene where a kid is super-stoked to pick up a ventriloquist’s cd! A CD! That negates the point of ventriloquism! Bwahahahahahaha-what’s that? ‘Jeff Dunham?’ What’s ‘Jeff Dunham?’

  6. I have the weirdest burger right now.

  7. I think I just spilled some secret sauce on my pants. Oh lord. Wow.

  8. I already agreed to marry bacon after seeing the Jack in the Box Super Bowl commercial, so sure, I guess I could fuck a cheeseburger.

    • I was waiting for someone to bring this up! These sandwich commercials are ridiculous! Jack in the Box does all sorts of stuff, especially because they can always throw Jack into all sorts of scenarios.

      But Carl’s Jr. consistently advertises with big-breasted, scantily clad women eating burgers everyone knows they don’t ever actually eat, spilling juices and sauces all over themselves, that is, when they’re not spilling ti all over themselves and asking not to be bothered while they’re “eating.”

      Occasionally they’ll throw out the penis size commercials with the big Carl shaming the Big Mac, or the occasional robot trying to cram a chicken sandwich into its usb port or something.

  9. I like her fuzzy sweater.

  10. This is actually pretty much how my girlfriend eats burgers, bacon, and cupcakes. Except with more dignity, a lot more.

  11. I can’t wait for the Mad Magazine parody video guy to lampoon this ad!

  12. This is pretty much a nonverbal representation of where my head is at.

  13. What ever happened to decent people eating decent food like decent people?

  14. Upton is the opposite of Downton.

  15. Why isn’t this article about how Kate Upton used to get teased when she was in school a year ago?

  16. I was going to Photoshop a pic of her holding a hamburger between her legs and say, “And she wasn’t just fucking her face with it!” but then I decided I didn’t care. Is this what growing up feels like?

  17. kinda makes me want a hotdog.

  18. They should make a series of commercials where a dude is dragging around a dead Kate Upton in a giant shoe box, and everybody’s all grossed out and stuff. The guy swears she’s alive, and can eat a burger all sexy-like if somebody buys her a burger. People will buy the burger, then they place it in the shoe box, and then they watch. And watch. And watch. But nothing happens. Then the dude gets cursed out by his friends or whoever, who are pissed because they just wasted money on a burger and now that it’s been by a dead body nobody wants it. They storm off, and while their backs are turned Kate Upton comes alive and proceeds to eat the burger like she does in the video, but only the dude who’s dragging her around witnesses it.

    That’s a great, original idea.

  19. You might want to hold the “special sauce” guys.

  20. I will not have sexual relations with that cheeseburger, Carl’s/Hardee’s. (P.S. Oral doesn’t count.)

  21. Hey, was it just me, or were the Oscar commercials better than the Super Bowl commercials? And was there even such a thing as Oscar commercials last year, or is this a totally new thing?

  22. If made into a graph, the trajection from the humble beginnings of “Wendy” from Wendy’s “restaurant” to this would be…well, it would have some serious incline, is what I’m saying.

    I’m also saying that the ‘x’ axis would be time (in decades) and the ‘y’ axis would be female objectification.

    I’m saying quite a few things here, try to keep up.

  23. i can’t believe no one has mentioned how gross the SOUNDS were! first- the crunch noise when she bites the burger and then the big sloppy squishy noise when they drop the burger at the end. blerg!

    • I watched it with the sound off.

    • Sound Mixing Oscar should have gone to this commercial, am I right, guys? That’s exactly what it sounds like when I have my way with a fast food.

    • By the time the “squishy noise” came around, I had already scrolled down to peruse the comments section and so was no longer watching the video (though the audio was still on). Given the general tone of the commercial, my initial reaction, upon hearing the “squishy noise”, was that a (presumably) thinly veiled allusion to a “cumshot” had been made in the commercial. When a viewer’s first thought is that, I don’t think you’re doing it right.

  24. Question: I’m really grossed out by these types of ads (women objectified/hypersexualized), but as a gay man I’d be okay if this were a dude being objectified in this extreme fashion. Does this make me a terrible person? I’ll take my answer off the air.

    • No, it doesn’t make you a TERRIBLE person.

      I say this because as a straight woman, I want to see Joseph Gordon Levitt objectified in this manner, as well. I just wanna smother him in BBQ sauce and turn him like a rib. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that… or maybe there is, I don’t know.

      Let’s just be terrible, male-objectifying people together ok?

  25. When I woke up this morning the last thing I expected was to masturbate to a cheeseburger commercial.

  26. I honestly didn’t even notice a burger in this ad. She could be fondling the innards of a family of possums for all I care. Probably not that much of a stretch – we are dealing with the creators of the Thickburger here.

  27. Supermodels don’t generally inspire women to want to go out an eat a cheeseburger either. Just sayin’.

  28. iz it just me or does she kinda look alot like anna nicole smith? but less trashy and dead?

  29. I feel guilty when I watch this commercial. Like I am afraid someone will catch me and ask “Are you watching that Kate Upton commercial where she eats out a hamburger?” and I’ll be like “No that’s weird. I’m watching porn. Regular old midget rape porn. Don’t be gross.”

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