Dear You Guys,

When Paul Blart: Mall Cop was the top-grossing film in the country on its opening weekend, I didn’t say anything. It happens. There was no word-of-mouth to speak of, maybe you didn’t know. And it’s January. People will do all kinds of things in the dead of winter to keep warm. Also, cabin fever! No, when Paul Blart: Mall Cop was the top-grossing film in the country on its opening weekend, America earned a pass. George W. Bush was still president!

But now Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the number one movie in America for two weeks in a row. Which means you guys are just being assholes. What’s wrong, no one wanted to see Four Christmases for a seventh time?

According to the AP, PB: MC is well on its way to surpassing 100 million dollars. Perfect. Never mind, United States Government, the economy is strong. We were just kidding about all those home foreclosures and drastic reductions in consumer confidence and skyrocketing unemployment rates. Total JK. Turns out we have tons of money to spend on WHATEVER.

There is no federal bail out for taste, America.

Sincerely,
Lindsay Robertson

Comments (28)
  1. would it have been better if people flocked in to see Underworld? I’d rather see people embrace a new terrible movie than continue to encourage a terrible series.

  2. well i’d rather see the american public saving their money rather than supporting the continuing of a terrible series or see paul blart: mall cop

    • I know, I thought we were in a recession.

      • right, because the way to get out of a recession is if everybody saves money and doesn’t spend it. right? that’s how the economy works?

        • If people going to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop is going to get us out of recession then let the economy collapse.

          It’s better than the possibility of having a Mall Cop 2.

        • RobinRubbermaid  |   Posted on Jan 26th, 2009 -2

          People not spending money is a symptom of a recession. Nobody was implying it’s a cure. That’s how understanding people correctly works, bearface.

  3. again, i’ll come to defense of this movie — which I have not seen, do not plan on seeing, and will not see.

    this movie is rated PG. its made for 12 year olds. as far as movies that are made for 12 year olds go, it doesn’t look that bad. its not a movie made for adults that adults with 12 year old intelligence levels would like, its made for actual 12 year olds.

    • But are there that many 12 year olds in the country to make it the number one movie two weeks in a row and surpass 100 million dollars?

  4. The Wrestler is just now starting to make it out to your standard movie theaters, so perhaps that drew from the potential UNDERWORLD contingent. Because those movies are very similar.

  5. I like to think that a large percentage of the people who bought tickets for “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” had a sudden crisis of conscience right before entering the theater and opted to sneak into “Slumdog Millionaire” instead.

    Hey, IT’S A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE FANTASY.

  6. asking for a ‘Mainstreet Bailout’ after this is pretty much the equivalent of showing up in personal jumbo jets…. with top hats… and monocles…

  7. Little do you guys know, this is actually where the money from the first bailout went. Bush thought the script was high-larious.

  8. I went to the movies three times this weekend, and saw Revolutionary Road, The Reader, and Slumdog Millionaire. Gold star for me! I did see plenty of people seeing Mall Cop, though.

  9. I saw two movies this weekend, Yes Man (don’t judge me, it was with a lady and it was at a 5-dollar theater) and Frost/Nixon.

    So, I’m not to blame.

  10. just saying  |   Posted on Jan 26th, 2009 +3

    I don’t know, it looks bad to me, but then again I’m NOT A CHILD. And I also tend to believe that people with real jobs (not ones where they can post on blogs or comment sections in the middle of the day) do have OK taste, but after working a long week at a job that takes a lot out of you, and after you’ve seen Slumdog Millionaire and every other halfway decent movie out there, that maybe they just want to calm the fuck down and take their kids to a harmless movie and relax. I am sure in their heart of hearts they wanted to take their kids to the CSS show at the Echoplex, but thought ?well hey, maybe I have to acknowledge that I had these kids and now I have to do kid friendly stuff with them rather than dragging them into adult things that I enjoy and ruining the experience for kidless adults?.

    The fact of the matter is that I am glad there are harmless, fart-free movies kids can go to. What I am sick of this great race that movies have to make every movie for every audience member. Some movies are meant to be for kids or families. Some movies are meant to be for adults. If every movie were like the Wrestler, kids would go see the Wrestler with me, and seeing any movie with kids is really annoying. I’d rather see this space used to direct the hipster rage at movies that deserve it, movies that aimed to change the face of how the world operates and instead ended with suicide by jellyfish. Spoiler alert.

  11. My friend went with some other friend of hers to see this. I told her she shouldn’t! I told her that there are a lot of good worthy films out there now! ?Why not go see Gran Torino or Slumdog or Doubt?” I asked her. No reply. I told her how bad it would be and how bad the reviews were. She still went. I can’t shake the feeling that i could have tried harder…I’m a bad citizen. :(

  12. AL B  |   Posted on Jan 26th, 2009 0

    Maybe you can drawl parallels to Glitter which made over 500M after 7/11.

  13. Katie  |   Posted on Jan 26th, 2009 +4

    Who cares? We’re in a recession–can’t people at least enjoy the simple pleasure of watching a retarded fat guy ride around on a segway?? “Hey honey, I just got laid off and we’re losing the house! Let’s go see Revolutionary Road and then also we can kill ourselves!”

  14. Truth Hurts  |   Posted on Jan 27th, 2009 -7

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  15. Greg  |   Posted on Jan 27th, 2009 +11

    I dunno – I went to see the PB:MC this past weekend… I enjoyed it.. but then again, I’m fat…

  16. “There is no federal bail out for taste, America.”

    killer beans.

  17. Courtney  |   Posted on Jan 28th, 2009 0

    I find it funny how people are defending a lousy movie yet people complain all the time why and how Hollywood is able to keep producing shit movies. Wake up call because of you! You think a bad movie is going to solve your financial problems? The same goes with pathetic reality TV shows that America complains about but yet keep being produced because the defenders convince others to tune it because ‘we need something lighter.’ If you’re sick of lousy movies not worth your while then stop making excuses for why America keeps supporting lousy movies and gives Hollywood the ability to make an even lousier sequel. You can’t expect good quality if you keep giving reasons for crap quality to be produced.

  18. fmartinward  |   Posted on Jan 29th, 2009 0

    I know that sometimes we are as gods but seeing “My Blood Valentine” in 3D? Who knew it could be that easy. Haven’t seen it, so can’t comment. I would like to comment on your avatar: Four Stars! Two questions: 1) Where did you get this? 2) Why did you pick this as your avatar?

  19. I don’t understand the defense of this movie as being for young people, therefore it’s ok that it isn’t smart, or isn’t funny to adults. Ever heard of Pixar…?

  20. HaHa..and what’s worse is that Hollywood would actually receive hundreds of millions of dollars in the current stimulus package (if unrevised by the Senate) to keep making movies like this…because God knows, these brilliant productions are vital to our economy and our way of life.

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