This week, we begin with Lori up in heaven. She meets Albert Einstein and Beethoven! “Hey, Lori,” God says, “sorry about all those zombies. We had kind of a mix up at the front office.” Lori’s eyes open wide. “George Burns?!” she says. George Burns winks. George Burns was God the whole time! Oh shoot. Lori isn’t dead at all. WOMP WOMP TROMBONE. She’s sprawled out at the bottom of her flipped over car and apparently has been for hours because it’s night now. A zombie is trying to get in there and eat her up through the hole that her head made in the windshield. It doesn’t even notice that the broken glass is stripping its rotten skin from its skull face. Come on, dude. Notice. You’re being gross. Lori lets out a weird scream and makes her “scared” face which is honestly not that different from her “normal” face. Ugh, Lori’s face is just the worst. Always. Anyway, she tries to get out of the car but that’s not working and the zombie pulls her hair and you know how Lori gets about her hair, so eventually she finds a screwdriver or something equally unlikely but convenient but not as convenient as the gun that it will turn out was right next to her the whole time and she backhands the screwdriver through the zombie’s eye socket? If I was making an infomercial about killing zombies this would definitely be in the flickery, black and white “there’s got 2 be a better way!” portion of the infomercial. She wriggles out of the car and oh no there is another zombie and this time she sees a gun lying right there and gets the gun and shoots the zombie in the face. Sure. One has to wonder if it wouldn’t have made for better television and a better show in general if the zombies had just killed and eaten Lori out there on the road, but I guess we need to see her get in her one millionth fight with Shane soon and THEN can we kill her off? After we hit this wonderful benchmark? (My memoir is going to be called This Wonderful Benchmark.)

Back at the bar, we pick up where we left off, with Rick having just shot those two guys. This feels like a little bit of revisionist history? If I remember last week’s episode, and I feel like I do, because it was ONLY LAST WEEK, the entire bar scene played out in the greasy half-light of a late summer afternoon. But now all of a sudden it’s pitch black? Sure. That is literally the LEAST of the problems with this show, so let’s not even worry about it. Grimes and Glenn and Herschel pick through the dead men’s pockets for some shotgun shells and old tissues and a piece of gum with no wrapper and a Canadian nickel and it’s time to head back to the barn except UH OH there are people outside. Everyone get down! Everyone gets down. It’s a very lucky thing that Grimes and Friends saw the car lights when they did, because otherwise they never would have even known that there was an ambush waiting for them outside oh wait just kidding yes they would because holy moly do these other dudes love to shout their every thought and intention. Here is my impersonation of this scene:


When they say that they are looking for their friends, the camera literally pans between the dead bodies. OOOOOHHHHH, THOOOOOOOSE FRIENDS. Yoops! The show seems to be suggesting that they’re in a pickle BECAUSE they killed those two dudes, but in reality if they HADN’T killed those two dudes then they would definitely be surrounded and taken prisoner and forced to lead everyone to the farm. So it’s actually kind of a false predicament. But no one ever said this show was good or made sense or was well written or had any internal logic whatsoever.

No one says a word and then Grimes just tells them everything. UGH, GRIMES. Herschel makes the correct face:

Grimes seems to be under the impression that the middle of an Apocalyptic wasteland filled with blood-thirsty re-animated corpses is the appropriate time to argue with people rationally about the absurd and hopeless cycle of violence. It’s weird how that doesn’t work. Considering how they just get in a gunfight anyway, they miiiiiight have wanted to hold onto the slight advantage that they had in knowing where the other people were without giving away their position. No? Want to have some kind of rhetorical argument through the doorway in the middle of the night with so much panic and fear on the air that you can actually taste it? Let me know how that goes, Grimes. Everyone opens fire. Aww. So weird! Can’t believe they didn’t listen to Grimes’s boring speech!

Meanwhile, back at the farm, everyone is sitting down to dinner when they realize that Lori is missing. Haha. “I thought it was delightfully quiet and gas-face free around here.” Shane decides to go after her. Hopefully he will get waylaid on the way to get Lori who was waylaid on the way to get Grimes so T-Boz will have to go after Shane and he will get waylaid and one by one until everyone’s just gone. Where did they go? Who cares.

There is a whole thing between Darryl and Sophia’s mom that I don’t even want to get into. The only thing I’ll say about it is that Darryl’s kind of right, all Sophia’s mom DID have to do was keep an eye on Sophia. She seriously wasn’t in charge of anything, although I guess she did do laundry in the quarry that one time, but even then she had four other women helping her.

Shane finds Lori’s flipped over car and then two minutes later he finds her. The whole Lori plotline is so drawn out and made to seem dramatic, but when you actually think about it, it’s almost comical how much of a non-starter it was. Like, let’s recap: last week she drove two feet and flipped her car over. This week, she is pretty much uninjured, escapes a couple of zombies with very little trouble really, and then is immediately rescued by Shane and brought back to the farmhouse. So, a big nothing. Just like this whole show! Shane shines a flashlight in Lori’s eyes…to make sure…she’s OK?

Hahaha. Good job, Shane. Very helpful. At first Lori doesn’t want to go back to the farmhouse because she needs to find Grimes. Does she? I still don’t understand why she thinks she needs to find Grimes. Like, if he was OK, he’d be back at the farmhouse. And if he’s not OK, I’m not sure what a bruised-faced Lori ON FOOT is going to be able to accomplish? But Shane lies to her and says they’re all back safe. She is relieved. For two minutes. Until they get back and it turns out Shane lied. And then she returns to her natural pissed state. As they say, Lori’s face always finds its level. Shane explains that he had to lie to her to protect the baby and everyone’s like “WHAT BABY?!” and again, I remind everyone, YOU LIVE IN A WORLD OF ZOMBIES NOW SO MAYBE RELAX ON THE GOSSIP QUEEN ATTITUDES. Honest to God, if the world was overrun with zombies and someone let it slip that they were pregnant I wouldn’t even hear them over the sound of my fist smashing a rock repeatedly into a can of peaches because who cares about your stupid fucking zombie-bait baby when I’m about to eat delicious peaches if I can just get this can open?!

Grimes and Herschel and Glenn are trying to find an escape route from the bar because it’s all like PEW PEW PEW! Grimes tells Glenn to escape out the back and make a run for the car. Uh, cool, thanks, Grimes. “Can I?” Glenn says excitedly. “Can I run into a hail of gunfire while you just stand here?” It seems like everyone is always suggesting that Glenn get himself killed, which I totally understand, but then it’s like what about Andrea? Or Carl? Why can’t they be told to run into bullets? Glenn goes to the back of the bar, which is a very spooky art studio or something. Seriously, what kind of small town bar has a giant hangar space in the back? Normal. I’m pretty sure that was where Gabe Liedman, Max Silvestri, and Jenny Slate hosted Big Terrific before the world ended. Grimes tells Herschel to go after Glenn. WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE? You guys could all just make a run for it? Herschel does a thing that people in TV and movies do which is called Silently Sneak Up On Someone Who Is Freaking Out And Holding A Gun and then Act Surprised and a Little Mad When They Almost Shoot You. How about just whispering “Glenn, it’s Herschel, don’t shoot me in the fucking face.” Herschel was all like this:

But then he was all like:

The way Herschel holds a gun is hilarious. Relax, Herschel. I feel like the actor who plays Herschel insisted that he be allowed to hold the gun that way and the director told him he wasn’t allowed to because it was too stupid but he just did it anyway and pretended like his hearing aid was turned off. It’s so silly. I’m not sure I’m making it clear just how ridiculous it is what Herschel is doing with his gun. Some stuff happens. A guy falls down. Glenn hides in a dumpster, Never Ending Story style. One of the “bad” guys gets his mouth eaten off by zombies. (It’s funny how these are the bad guys even though Grimes just killed their friends. Next week, on a very special episode of The Walking Dead: “There are two sides to every story. Also: Glenn is molested by a neighbor.”) Another guy falls off a roof and gets impaled on a fence. Jesus, guys, GET IT TOGETHER. Cool rescue party. The one remaining dude takes off and leaves his buddy for dead because there are zombies everywhere. Grimes doesn’t want to leave him. Even Herschel is just like “shoot him in the head and let’s go home.” Grime insists on amputating his leg. This is really THE FINAL STRAW as far as Grimes is concerned because even for Grimes this is indefensible. The dude is going to bleed out, a DOCTOR SAID SO. There are zombies coming in from all sides. All they have to perform the surgery is a bacteria stained hunting knife. PUT THE DUDE OUT OF HIS MISERY.

Back at the farm, Carl is saying a bunch of dumb shit about how his mom is pregnant. It’s so dumb. “Big brother Carl, that sounds pretty cool.” No, it doesn’t. What are you talking about, Carl?

Shane wants a moment alone with Lori. Everyone’s like, hey, how about you chill for TWO MINUTES but Shane insists, and Lori kicks everyone out of the room. This is when Shane delivers one of the most incredible “True Love” speeches ever delivered in the herstory of entertainment:

Shane argues that the affair he had with Lori wasn’t just an act of terror and desperation, but that it was “good” and “right.” And that it was “a long time coming.” Right. They just needed a global extermination event to finally bring these two lovebirds together. “We all saw it before you did, Lori!” say the zombies in unison. Damn, it is some sad ass shit when the only meaningful relationship you’ve ever had was with a grieving woman in the midst of a living nightmare. I know relationships are complicated and love is difficult to hold on to, and we’re all just trying to find connection in this mixed up world, but I guess what I’m trying to say is if Shane really believes that what he had with Lori was a “good thing” then he should “kill himself.”

Sidenote: what’s this all about?

Hahahha. Really? I’m not surprised to see a graduation photo from 1902 in a rickety old farmhouse, maybe on a mantle or on top of a dresser, but a gigantic portrait sized print framed right on the stairway? Cool. “I want to look at that graduation photo 10 times a day for 200 years.”

In the morning, the gang is gearing up to go find Grimes and Glenn and Herschel when a truck pulls up with Grimes and Glenn and Herschel and Randall. Oh good. There is more arguing about who keeps the camp more safe, Grimes or Shane, which is always a silly argument because it presupposes that the camp is safe in the first place. Shane and Andrea are mad about this whole Randall business, and I don’t totally blame them. That was some bullshit. But their argument is that once Randall is feeling better and sent on his way, he’s just going to go find his people and bring them back to the farm and that’s going to “start a war.” Haha. Oh, clever The Walking Dead writers. You see, now when that is exactly what happens, people will think “Shane was right!” when in reality Shane simply named a kind of complicated and unlikely interpretation of events. The guy could get eaten by zombies on the road. The guy’s people might have left. Or maybe he would find them and not remember where the farm was. Or the guy’s people could find the farm on their own, it is a farm after all. The point is that it’s not inevitable that bringing this guy back to the farm is going to “start a war” whatever THAT even means. But I’m so excited for this war everyone keeps talking about! Just kidding, I already hate it and find it boring and poorly done.

Herschel yells at Shane. Glenn yells at Maggie. Dale makes a Dale face. Shane wants to elope with Andrea. Maggie tells a story about birth control and a horse and swimming. Grimes takes his shirt off and throws it at the camera. Lori takes her shirt off and presses into Grimes. EW, DON’T HAVE SEX! Oh phew, they don’t. Lori tells Grimes that Shane is dangerous, which we know, because everyone keeps saying it out loud. She says Shane is going to kill Grimes to “protect what he thinks is his” just like how Grimes killed those complete strangers in a bar because they were assholes and peed everywhere and made threats and pulled guns on him. Perfect analogy I’m sure. That is the word I would most use to describe this show every time: perfect. Grimes makes his “serious” face:

Fade to blah.

Comments (61)
  1. I’ve really had enough of the phrase “bleed out.” All of a sudden this has become some kind of official medical term that you only hear on t.v. Can’t they just say “bleed to death” like we did in the old days? “Bleed out” doesn’t make you sound cool, kids.

  2. Evan Dando is kind of a zombie, so the reference works!

  3. EW, DON’T HAVE SEX! is the same fear I have any time a scene features only two characters. Especially Darryl and Sophia’s mom.

  4. Andrew Lincoln: Lame-Brain Hunter

  5. This show is like a ton of barfs but i can’t stop watching it

    • I agree with the first half of your statement. As for the second half, I am proud to declare that I will be Walking Dead Free from this point forward. This show is SO terrible and yet I have returned to it every week. But why? I have free will, don’t I? I realized last night that I’d rather be doing so many other things than watching this show, even if that means watching some other dumb show. What if I spent that hour learning to play an instrument? Or exercising? Or reading a book? Yes, I will be doing all those things next Sunday from 9pm till 10pm. Who’s coming with me?? Anyone?


      • I don’t know who’s coming with you, but when you get there you’re going to find me relaxing with my thoughts. For the record: not watching the show anymore doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of the recaps one bit.

  6. According to the timeline of this show, Otis shot Carl like a week ago right? Just want to be sure.

  7. i have or may not have been a big scaredy baby during the opening of this episode, i hate it when things silently creep up behind you

  8. Darryl’s big scene in this ep featured some of the most atrocious Good Will Zombie Hunting overacting seen on the show to date.

  9. Is there such a thing as Eye-Botox? Cos Dale’s eye’s are always stuck wide-open. Also – bucket hats are dumb.

  10. The Night vs Day thing was really fuckin with me. So it’s daylight when the whole bar pissing and shooting fest is happening. Ditto for Lori attempting to save the show by killing herself. Then somehow it isn’t, in both instances. Ricklennschel escape the potential enemies of war at night, but then it takes em all fuckin night to drive back?
    I’m just gonna assume they got lost cos stupid fuckin Lori was keeping the only goddamn map for herself, so that she could crash into the only slow-moving obstacle on the road, thereby continuing to perpetuate the stereotype that stupid pregnant women who insist on being stupid and also having babies in zombie apocalypses are bad drivers.
    Terriers is a good show.

    • Yeah, is anyone else hoping Donal Logue shows up in that other group of survivors? The thought that Walking Dead is a spin off of Terriers would be great / hilarious.

    • I’m sure no one is still around to even answer my question at this point, but did no one else think that Lori got kinda good in a characterly way in the last scene when she was trying to get Grimes to, I don’t know, what? Kill Shane? I mean, whatever was going on there was terrible and Lori has certainly always been terrible In Her Own Way, but I feel like that scene was Lori being interesting/crafty-terrible-on purpose in a Lady Macbeth way or, you know, something something, I read books!

  11. There are a lot of problems with this show. But my biggest issue is w/ Carl and that hat. He looks ridiculous. You just know he’s going to put someone’s life in jeopardy when it gets knocked off his head during a chase sequence, and he just HAS to go back for it. A zombie wearing that hat, though… TV GOLD!

  12. The giant-ass graduation picture is much less weird than the one my grandmother has in her living room featuring my uncle in full marching band regalia and 70s hair. It is so large you could live inside it. The lesson here: old people have odd decorating tastes.

  13. I moved in January and decided not to get cable, and it turns out that the effort required to obtain this show from the internet is enough to make me decide to stop watching this show, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

    Additionally, I envisioned a future where, in my court hearing with AMC for illegally downloading their Greatest Hit of All Time, my impassioned rant against the show leads to me being found in contempt of court and jailed for 30 days. In my first 48 hours in prison, I am made the punching bag of the cell block’s kingpin, a former(?) drug lord named Fontina. After a week of Fontina’s abuse, I momentarily black out in the cafeteria and two days later, in the infirmary, learn that I brutally stabbed Fontina 62 times with a sharpened spork, in full view of hundreds of inmates and dozens of guards. I am quickly found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison. However, I develop an aptitude for smuggling items in and out of the prison and by greasing the right palms and accumulating favors I am paroled after about thirty years. I move to LA and begin working in a grocery store. One day, a middle-aged man with a vague familiarity passes me in the dairy section. I stop stacking egg cartons as a feeling of intense loathing and, strangely, boredom washes over me.


    I grab a gallon of milk and sling it at “Carl.” It hits him on the back of the head and he stumbles, slightly dazed. However, my years in prison left me unaware of Carl’s affinity for survival training and MMA fighting. Whispers in the hallways of casting agencies and talent management firms across Hollywood say that young Carl was so deeply disturbed in his early career by his work on a show about the immediacy of death and the futile struggle to survive in the face of carnage that somehow–somehow!–still managed to be the most boring show on television, he has committed himself to being entirely prepared for the zombie apocalypse his bones know is coming. It will happen. And Carl will make sure it’s a fucking thrilling adventure, that’s for damn sure.

    It’s also why he is professionally known as Carl.

    As Carl utilizes decades of training to beat me to death against a pile of shattered and shattering eggs, I can think only of the choice that brought me here. I could have just watched Parenthood. That show was so charming. Such good acting. Craig T. Nelson died years ago in that horrible CostCo explosion; I’d be fine.

  14. One thing the Lori plot line has going for it: not being the Sofia plot line. Then again, a half-season looking for Lori, would be a half-season without Lori. Also, suprise zombie baby at the end. So, that’s another reason the Lori plotline sucked. It wasn’t the Sophia plotline.

  15. Also, Grimes has huge nipples.

  16. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Why are you spoiling what happens after Herschel’s ranch?

      Also T-Dawg is not Tyrese.

      • Not sure if it does. There’s a lot in the show that isn’t in the books, like Lori and her idiotic car accident. And Shane being alive. And Herschel being as pious as he is (in the books, he sure can curse up a storm). So don’t have any insider stuff here. Just what I get at the local library.

        • Are you kidding, TheDiscardedGentlean? Are you kidding?! Yes, there’s a lot in the show that isn’t in the books, but so far they’ve hit all the major plot points that happen in the comic. Rick wakes up in a hospital, goes to Atlanta, meets Glenn, goes back to the camp, is re-united with Lori and Carl, meets Dale and Andrea, they leave as a group, find the farm….. and you’re talking about what happens next like there’s NO CHANCE that they might go to the prison! THAT’S CALLED SPOILING SHIT! Also, you’re a “big fan” but haven’t gotten to issue 48?!? When did you start reading? Last week? Good grief!


      Bad form, TheDiscardedGentleman.

    • I ain’t even mad. That’s how much I hate this show. And how long will it take to get to this supposed plot line (if it indeed happens in the series)? Probably another season. At least 5-7 episodes.

      • Tough room! Man, I’m really surprised by everyone’s comments here because I thought last night’s episode was ten times better than anything else this season. Those bar scenes were intense and the zombie sticking its head through the windshield was awesome. The scene with Sophia’s mom and the redneck was really good, that guy is a good actor. Also, the actor who plays Herschel is one of the dudes from “In Cold Blood” and he’s a really good actor.

        But yeah, I mostly watch this show for Gabe’s recaps.

    • I can’t be the only person who thinks Shane is the guy who ‘gets it’ and should survive all of those other whiners. Boy do I wish Lorie, or however you spell her name, bit it during this last episode. Grimes is insufferable and we need Shane to balance that superman-dogooder business. Oh yes we do.

    • In conjunction with this statement as TDG appears to actually be a fan, I would like to point out that we are sometimes a little unfair to this show. For instance, Lori’s analogy between Rick and Shane was not really a bad one. Sure, Grimes only shot those guys because they drew weapons but the fat dude was presumably still alive when he walked up shot him again in the head. I have never heard anyone use the term “cooze” before and I would want to but a bullet in the head of the guy who introduced it to me, but that is kind of out of character for Rick who later tried to save a slightly less threatening guy in a much more dangerous situation. The point is Rick killed those dudes because they presented a direct threat to his family, so Shane is dangerous because he is much more likely to kill and much more likely to see every single decision he disagrees with as a threat. (Also how about Lori pretty much talking like Rick owns her but Shane thinks he owns her? Have some self-respect, Lori.)

      It seems kind of like when somebody annoys you so much and is generally not funny, but even when they say something funny you just can’t laugh at it because of the source it’s coming from. I agree that this show has so many problems and is kind of only fun to watch for the sole purpose of tearing it to shreds. All I’m saying is that with so many things wrong with this show (the overly dramatic dialogue and acting, the crazy way in which Dale says to everyone within earshot that Shane is a killer despite having no real proof, everything about Andrea, the way they always treat Glenn as slightly more expendable than cow manure) that we shouldn’t really have to make up problems.

    • thanks for the spoilers. appreciate it.

  17. datebi dot com

  18. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but there IS something terribly wrong with SPAM.

      May a bi-curious zombie slowly gnaw your face off.

  19. The guy playing Shane might be the worst actor ever. His inability to hold his head still when says his lines is INSANE! I know he’s supposed to be a shifty character, but come on, there have to be more subtle ways to do “shifty”. And his “angry” face is like a chimp impersonating Walter White’s “teethface”, and it’s the only move he’s got!

    Also, if I was any actor on this show, I would lobby to be killed off in a horrific fashion to avoid anymore “intense discussion” scenes. For real, you know Grimes and Dale have bitched about this to each other at the craft services table.

    Anyway, the reason I still watch this show is ONLY Gabe’s recaps. Love you Gabe! And all you people for all your funnies.

    • Glad I’m not the only one that is severely annoyed with his portrayal. Not that the character is deep or better than what he’s giving it. I just find him full of ticks that should have been worked out in Acting 101.

  20. Haha, I love Dr. Steve Brule in the Lori/Shane pic!!

    And I thought Rick would for sure just shoot the kid stuck on the fence. He’s always such a good guy that it gets kind of annoying. If he just shot the kid it would’ve been a good, “change of character” type of moment for him…just to show that he’s realizing he can’t save everyone, and he has to make tough decisions because he’s in a messed up world right now. I think he kind of showed that when he shot Sophia; he didn’t hesitate or consult with Sophia’s mom, he just did what needed to be done. But I guess he hasn’t lost all of his sensitivity just yet.

  21. Ohh, and can Shane GET OVER LORI ALREADY?!?! My god, he’s like a 16 year old girl!

  22. And what’s with Andrea telling Shane that his argument is valid but his presentation needs work? This is not a high school debate team! What does she suggest, he make a pie chart or something?

  23. Help me out with this…
    Is there some giant fence, or burning river surrounding Herschel’s compound? It seems as though there’s still a great deal of zombies around town that would be attracted by the barn shoot-out, the cars pulling in and out, the screams of overacting….what makes Daryl so sure he won’t be eaten next to his new outdoor pizza oven? How do they stay so safe out there?

    • I think in the books, he has a nice picket fence or something. If the show is like the books, the next hangout spot is cooler and less folksy. Or everyone gets eaten in the Herschel Barnstorm Massacre.

  24. I watched this show for the first time this season for a video game trailer.

  25. Bad guys outside bar: ARE THEY IN THERE? ARE THEY ALIVE?

    Grimes: No.


  26. Carl: If the baby’s a girl can we name her Sophia?

    DIE, CARL.

  27. They rescue the impaled Randall by pushing his leg UP through a barbed post…The barb is about four inches wide.
    HERSCHEL: I fixed up his calf as good as I can. But he’s not going to be back on his feet for about a week.
    Herschel’s best is some 25th century medicine shit….Or else he’s still drunk.

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