Photos
Look, it’s hard to be consistent in this world. I know that. Life is so complicated that at a certain point you’re bound to do or say something that kind of goes against what you usually seem to think or believe in. That’s just part of being human. Of course, it gets a little more complicated when you’re basically a walking brand who has made it their business to condescend to the world about the “right way” to live and touting yourself as a paragon of health, beauty, and good living. If you want to do that, that’s fine, but then maybe be a little more careful about which corporate sponsorship deals to endorse. Just a little more careful. Not too much more careful, God forbid. You’ve got to endorse SOMETHING, right? But a little. A reader, Lorcan (whoa, name!), sent in this photo along with this explanation:
My brother took the attached photo in Vienna. It’s important to note that this appears to be an ad for a store-brand vegetarian product for the European supermarket chain Spar. It’s also worth mentioning that in terms of quality, Spar is the equivalent of a convenience store attached to a gas station. You might buy gum there, but you wouldn’t buy Spar-brand gum, or Spar-brand anything for that matter.
VIENNA, MUST BE NICE! Just kidding. I mean, I am sure it is very nice! More importantly, GROSS, GWYNETH. Ich bin keine asshole.” She just likes dinners that are frozen and taste bad. I love that this ad includes her signature. She has signed off. This is the real deal, folks. Her face has NOT been Photoshopped onto a photo of a troll eating frozen trash. Accept no substitutes. Country Strong through to enlarge.
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I used to shop at Spar! I even bought Spar brand wine!
Okay, it might not have actually been Spar brand. To be honest, it didn’t have a label on it. It was just an unlabeled, 5-liter jug o’ wine. But it only cost 5.50 euros, and you got 2 euros back when you returned the jug! Presumably. I never actually returned the jug. I am more than willing to buy an economy-sized bottle of the cheapest wine available, but I’m damn sure not making the walk of shame across town with an empty wine jug for 2 euros.
I buy alcohol and cigarettes from Spar sometimes. We’re not so different from each other, facetaco.
Except that my face is a taco.
I’m pretty sure beerbongs and facetacos are sprung from the same type of mind.
I buy all my things from Spar! Well, it’s my nearest convenience store in Glasgow so I at least by my alcohol and Cherry Coke and Doritos there.
I went to get bagels a couple days ago to make bacon, egg and cheese bagels for dinner, but they didn’t have any bagels.
I feel like since this ad is Austrian, we should just save time and skip straight to Godwin’s law.
That’s something Hitler would suggest, you nazi
She has a thing for Brits and selling out….
They just lied and told Paltrow their vegetable lasagna was $880 and something about that really spoke to her.
Can someone blacken out one of her front teeth please? Maybe throw a curly mustache on her?
Also an eyepatch, and put a swastika on her forehead.
Maybe a pair of horns?
And put the Mad Men Season 5 “Don Draper falling” on her fork.
Seriously, where’s Citizen Marketing when you need them?
Sorry, this was supposed to go at the bottom but I used the wrong reply button. “I am the worst” – catweazle
No, that shirt looks great not the worst at all cowabunga
LOL
Yes. That is what I’m talking about. I am seriously grinning ear to ear.
I know I was beaten to it before I got to post, but I don’t want my work to go to waste. So today, I am Donna Darko.
Uh, it’s Dengar Darko.
Also, Great job!
Goddamnit, well I’m proud of everyone at least, but dang I should refresh more often (with a cool tall can of Iced tea)
I think the more versions of this picture, the merrier.
catweazle’s right!
I think it’s interesting how you guys interpreted “Mad Men Season 5 ‘Don Draper falling’ on her fork” as Don falling down to her fork, whereas my meaning was the Season 5 Mad Men ad is of a ‘Falling Don Draper”, and to take him and put him physically on Gwyneth’s fork like she is going to eat him.
I absolutely understand why my sentence was interpreted the way it was, and any way you slice it, it works. I just found it interesting is all and wanted to point it out!
How would this one have tested with audiences?
The ol’ switcheroo
Max, that might be my favorite of the bunch on the scale of pure abstractness. It’s a great ‘response poster.’
So when are we going to jump on Chris Martin? He’s been pushing Eine Kleine Scheissmusik on us for years.
Wasn’t he supposed to retire at 30? Ugh
She shill goop in Vienna; she shills GOOP in the states. Match made in heaven if you ask me.
Some say she shills sea shells by the sea shore.
It’s too bad this isn’t for sausage. Because I know a great slogan had that been the case.
“Ich bin die wurst.”
That’s it!!!! Wouldn’t that have been funny??!?!
Oh my gosh, I would have loved that.
We’re going to need a bigger cleanse
Rad comment, “Steve Winwood”.
“Spar frozen vegetables are the only frozen vegetables I’ll keep in my house. Grown in fields fertilized with the placenta of purebred rescue hounds, Spar is not only delicious, but will give your coat the silky shine you always dreamed of.” – GOOP, March 2012
Paid product endorser:
Larry Talbot?
Can we talk about how her signature makes me feel way better about my own scribble. “At leas you can make out my initials, buddy”
I too studied her signature for a bit. The way she finishes the W and brings it up to cross her T indicates she doesn’t like to pick up things where she’s left them off, and the way the G dips down dramatically to get to the tail of the Y, with the W and most of the Y now represented as a straight line indicates a general lackadaisical attitude towards the latter half of the alphabet.
Don’t get me started on that SUPER-pronounced lowercase H. Centrally focused, very pronounced, it’s all about HER.
Did I mention I have no idea what I’m talking about? Sounds good tho.
It’s ok, neither does she.
Well it goes with her lackadaisical attitude to 99%.
Spar was where I shopped when all the other grocery stores were closed on Sunday. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t Tesco.
There was a grocery store in Germany where I shopped called “Big”. It was big.
But mostly we walked over to the Pfankuche.
I have a soft spot for Spar since it was the center of my weekend entertainment when I spent the summer in rural South Africa without a car or much Internet. I’d go to Spar on Sundays and buy chocolate and trashy magazines and all the newspapers, which was much better than hanging out with the garbage white racists who were staying at my hotel.
Tangent: we just watched Contagion last night. The first 15 minutes were so awesome, I almost cried.
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“keine” means no or none in german, so “ich bin keine asshole” actually means “i am not an asshole”. i bet we’ll never catch you saying something that nice about gwyneth again!
I am from Austria, and I have eaten some meals from “Spar Veggie”. I think they are really, I mean really good. They are no “garbage food”. In 2003 Austrians ate about 247 pounds of meat a year. These products are the first vegetarian (and sometimes vegan) meals you ever got in austrian supermarkets.
Gwyneth Paltrow shows us austrians how we can eat more healthy. I know, some of these products are also frozen, but they are a good start or a first step for healthy nutrition in Austria.
I am Marco, 17 years old and a vegetarian. I’m not a fan of fast food or of frozen meals. But “spar veggie” is better than the garbage you get at McDonalds, BurgerKing, or every other fast food company.
So, when someone has no time to cook, it’s better to eat “Spar Veggie” than any other fast food or frozen meal.
Pleas don’t judge me because of my english. I’m not a native speaker, and I haven’t learned it for a long time now.