Bad news! Well, ok, I guess there’s good news and bad news and in this case I think it might be better to lead with the good news, so let me get into that first, from The Huffington Post:

Michael Bay has confirmed that he will, in fact, be returning to direct “Transformers 4,” the next film in the “Transformers” franchise. The only twist? They’re calling this one a “reboot.”

Because though this next film will continue where the third film left off, plot-wise, there will be an entirely new cast! That could mean no Shia, no Megan, no John Turturro, no anybody!

Hahah, YAAAAYYY!!! Another beautiful installment of our favorite series of action films, the Transformers series of action films. And not only another installment, but a REBOOT! A whole new cast to go on a wonderful adventure with. As they say, if for some reason it isn’t broken and still continues to senselessly make billions of dollars, DO fix it, or at least do it a different way with people who will probably cost less than the originals because clearly it doesn’t matter, can we give you our money right now or do we have to wait? (Ugh, they are always saying that!) But, as I said, I do have some bad news for you. TRANSFORMERS 4 IS COMING OUT IN 2014 AND YOU ONLY HAVE TWO YEARS TO PLAN YOUR TRANSFORMERS 4 RELEASE PARTY!

Ok so in situations like this, it’s best to plan out a course of action that allows for the most to be done in the shortest amount of time. Start the things that’ll take time first, fill in the spaces with the things that you can get done quickly. So:

Step 1: Build a transformer than can build all the other transformers.

You’ll need all of the transformers to be present at the party unless you want to look like a gross loser, so why not build the one that can build all the rest of them first, and then let IT finish the job while you’re tackling other tasks? So many people get this wrong — don’t let it happen to you!

Step 2: Begin your facial reconstruction surgery to resemble Megan Fox as closely as possible.

It will take your face a good amount of time to go back to looking like you haven’t just gotten a major facial reconstruction surgery, so it’s best to get this out of the way second. You may be thinking, “What about my body? How am I going to look like Megan Fox without Megan Fox’s body?” And that is a good point and I don’t know what to tell you.

Step 3: Make your home look like an explosion happened.

I can’t imagine that this is going to be difficult. Just break everything and throw dirt around and stop doing laundry until you have two full bags of laundry to do at all times, so you can never have all of your laundry done because you only have the one laundry bag. This party’s gonna be gr8.

Step 4: Buy snacks.

Chex Mix, kettle corn, homemade guac + chips, all kinds of beer and wine and champagne, different soups but like GOOD soups, pizza with pineapple and jalapeno on it, lots of cookies, big blocks of sugar shaped like Michael Bay, pasta with black food dye mixed in, a classic car to put all the snacks in, and a photographer to take pictures of people in the snack car.

Step 5: Invite Michael Bay.

Don’t do this part until you’ve done all the other parts or he WILL NOT COME.

Step 6: Wait for however much time you have left until tickets come out.

Just hang out.

Step 7: Buy tickets

Buy so many tickets in case everybody wants to come.

Step 8: Have The Party

The End

GOOOOOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With your parties!!!! Omg they’re going to be so much fun!!!!

Comments (18)
  1. my favorite part of this article was when kelly said “Hahah, YAAAAYYY!!!”

    because, NOPE. NOT YAY.

  2. Vomit buckets. You forgot to put them on the list.

  3. I thought Megan Fox was already out of the mix?

  4. I’ve wondered why dirty laundry, dirty dishes and trash even exist. What’s their actual purpose, you know? Did God just mess that up when he created them? Now I realize they’ve been around all this time just to make this a truly great party.

  5. Wait, you don’t already have mounds of sugar shaped like Michael Bay? Amateurs.

  6. I hope #4 takes place in Chicago again so I get to hear another news report about Shia being arrested for a disturbance in a Walgreens.

  7. Sigh… When is the Go-Bots movie coming out????

  8. Great advice, Kelly. A lot of people forget these important party rules and wonder why their parties suck.
    Personally, I won’t even bother to Facebook-RSVP unless I’ve been promised soup.

  9. I’d rather seen Armageddon 2.

  10. Shit just got real.

  11. Some people are “snack car half full” kinds of folks. Others see the snack car as half-empty, and they are called Pessimus Primes.

    OH! Lunchtime! Finally.

  12. I’m just going to listen to Adele’s “Someone Like You”

  13. Well let’s start casting this now. Michael Bay is a busy man, we should do our part to help him out. Let’s see:
    Annoying White Male protagonist: Justin Bieber
    Hottie: Jennifer Lawrence
    John Turturro: John Turturro
    Voice of Optimus Prime: Lil’ Wayne
    US President: Mark Wahlberg
    all decepticons will be voiced by Nicolas Cage

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