They say that everyone dies alone, so I don’t understand what all the fuss is about not having a date at Valentine’s Day. APPARENTLY YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A DATE TO HEAVEN, EITHER! But whether you have someone or not this year, we can all agree that this is the Most Wonderful Day. (I’m kidding, but I am also strongly against people who complain about Valentine’s Day. Who cares? It’s a perfectly decent day! Complain about something more interesting. Valentine’s Day is fine. Eat a sandwich and go to bed you old crab!) But just as every couple has a secret list of people they would be allowed to cheat with if they ever met Eva Longoria or whatever (right? I know how love works), everyone also has a secret Videogum Valentine, which may or may not be true and may or may not be something I just made up, we’ll never know, but let’s talk about these special guys and girls! Whether you are single this holiday season (right? I know how holiday seasons work) or with someone you love, your heart is obviously burning with a hidden desire for this very special someone. Is it Ryan Gosling? Is it Rick Grimes? Is it Mark Wahlberg’s quote about 9/11? Is it one of your fellow commenters? AHHHHHHHH YOU ARE IN LOVE WHO ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH?! As the saying goes, “If you love someone, set their name in a blog comment.”

Comments (123)
  1. Please deposit all Christina Hendricks .gifs in response to this comment. I know they’re coming, and it would be a shame if anybody had to miss some. Thank you.

  2. So, has anyone seen Shellbomber around recently? I gotta ask her something real quick…

  3. Isla Fisher will you be my valentine? You’re the best and I loved you in Bored to Death even though I wasn’t sure if it was you or Amy Adams for like the longest time there, but I really did know it was you all along because you’re the one in all the cool stuff. Call me!

  4. I’m not content to have just one Valentine. So every year on this day I make a list of ten!

  5. Obviously, the answer is all of you for reals, but if I had to narrow it down, it would be Tilda Swinton if she is a monster, or if she is not a monster then Godsauce. It was written in our childhoods.

    Also, I kind of think I am pulling Steve Winwood’s pigtails, playground style? I have no idea anymore.

  6. This goes out to all the Monsters! Who says I have to choose just one Valentine?

  7. Let’s just say there are a few of you that make me go SPROING, but they’re secrets. (Also, did you know ladies can go SPROING, too?)


    i’m pretty sure i actually started dating my boyfriend because he dresses like jgl in inception. so shallow.

  9. I pick three (because I’m a slut): Ryan G<3ling (or course), Kirk Cameron (because I want to bang the religion out of him) and Jean Dujardin because French lovers are demanding and tiresome but they're also good.

  10. Not to be a kiss-ass, but my VGV is definitely Gabe’s recaps of The Walking Dead, a show that I have never even seen but whose videogum recaps have been making me HAHA at work for months now. HVD, GROTWD. Love you.

    • I would vote with Darren Criss all night. (By “vote,” I mean “have sex with,” and by “have sex with,” I mean “sing basically the entire soundtrack from Les Mis.” I desire both of those things equally.)

      • I’m not saying I was the one who called Darren Criss during a live webchat thing and told him I am 18 and legal… mostly because I am NOT 18. I am 25. And also, that come on is really lame. Mine would be more like, “Darren! Dare! Dare Bear! Let’s watch the first three Harry Potter’s together and wear Star Wars themed pajamas and then I will do things to you that would embarrass both of our mothers…”

        I mean. Wait…

  11. Not-Jobes…he never posts anymore…he’ll never know :’(

    [Gabe, this would be a good time for you to be all "Hey baby, what's wrong?"]

  12. Has anyone picked the Adult Baby yet?

  13. Louis Simon is my MUSE.

  14. I can’t believe none of the lovely ladies said Gabe! I mean just look how adorbs:

  15. Truth be told, I really only come here for the chicks.

  16. Of course Kelly is my VG Valentine, and my soon to be birthday girl!

  17. I hartz gifs
    (ha. get it? yes? good.)

  18. If only all the fairy tales werttrew.
    You’re SUPER, glue.
    If this is Frank Lloyd Wrong I don’t want to be Frank Lloyd Wright.
    You R2 good to me, Esq.

    If I had any design ability I would turn these all into dorky valentines with Nicolas Cage or trampolines on them.


  20. I’m hoping that when I get home, there will be a green rubber bodysuit, zipped around a gold rubber bodysuit, zipped around a pretty Valentine.

  21. Uh, it should be pretty clear who my valentine is

  22. Remember when Mans was the editor for a week? That’s when I knew he would be my secret valentine. *Swoon*

  23. I would say I want Robert the dog to be my Valentine, but I’m afraid I’ve got some hard core competition.

  24. my valentine is a box of hair dye

  25. Pretty sure Jean-Ralphio is still my boyfriend.

  26. Steve Winwood, I <3 you! Your #1 fangirl, ambarella.

  27. Monsieur is allowed to cheat with Eva Mendes and I’m tied between Rory McCann and Nelson Dida because I like giant, angry looking men.

    But my true love is and always will be a certain Mister Winwood… Steve, I am 100% convinced that you must just be the most charming man in the world in real life. You’re seven feet tall and your primary means of transportation is a white stallion. You’re like Richard Cory, only instead of shooting yourself at the end of the day you just troll Videogum.

  28. If I was not already dating an age appropriate live human female, I would probably spend valentines day trying to do one of your “google image” searches for my love interests Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba and/or Alison Brie (sp?) but also Italian 70s Euro sex symbol Edwige Fenech from back in her hey day. “Rad list. Neat story.” – all yall, in your condescending and patronizing trollery commentary fashion.

    • I saw Ms. Portman at a bakery in Cincinnati last weekend… Her grandma lives here. I was all, “This guy Steve Winwood thinks you’re epic”, and she was all, “That’s pretty cool. I celebrate his entire catalog of comments”. So half true story short, I think you’re in, friend.

    • I was going to say “Rad list. Neat story.”

      Edwige Fenech is a nice-looking lady.

  29. I know I’m late to this party but I wish Lizzy Caplan were my valentine. She is just the best and not a Mean Girl at all and I would definitely let her Party Down on me in my Hot Tub Time Machine.

  30. Really upset no one picked me.

  31. Ahem, but WHERE is agent Huckabeast? He should have proclaimed his unwavering affection for Emma Stone, Christina Hendricks, Captain America, Ryan Gosling, and most importantly ME??? Someone is definitely not getting any cookies tonight.

  32. I don’t know if I can handle rejection again…

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