Guys, are you unsure about what to get your significant others for Valentine’s Day? It’s next week. Tuesday, February 14. It’s the same date every year. You seriously didn’t know when it was? You haven’t even made a dinner reservation yet? You’re clearly a male character in a sitcom so what else were you even supposed to do?! WELL GOOD LUCK, BUDDY! Luckily for you, you still have time to buy* you and your sweetheart The Kissinger, a virtual kissing device that looks like a little round pig and enables three modes of interaction:

  1. Human to Human tele-kiss through the device
  2. Human to Robot kiss
  3. Human to Virtual character physical/virtual kiss

So it doesn’t matter if you’re dating a human, a robot, or a character in a game you play (!!!!!!!). NO JUDGIES! It’s Valentine’s Day, a day for love and kissing, no matter WHOM it is between.

Here is a conversation that can be your reality, if you are thoughtful enough to purchase this gift for your Valentine:

You: Happy Valentine’s Day! I bought us this!
Yours: What is it?
You: A little robot. We both have one and when we kiss it, it let’s us feel the other person’s kiss so it’s like we’re kissing each other, even when we’re apart!
Yours: Ohh…So, when? Like, when we’re at work?
You: Yeah, maybe! Or just whenever we miss each other.
Yours: We kiss the pig whenever we miss each other.
You: Yeah. I just thought it was cute?
Yours: Well, no. I mean it’s definitely cute! Thank you, love.
You: You don’t like it.
Yours: I do like it! It’s just–
You: What?
Yours: It’s just a little weird. To have to kiss this robot? You know?
You: I just thought it would help us feel together when we were apart.
Yours: That’s a very sweet idea.
You: You hate it.
Yours: Listen, I don’t hate it. Can we just stop talking about it?
You: Fine.
Yours: Are you upset?
You: No.
Yours: Ok.

HAPPY EARLY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!! (Buy me this!) (Via Laughing Squid.)

*I don’t think you can buy this.
Comments (25)
  1. The weirdest thing about this is that the people in the video aren’t Japanese

  2. That conversation sounded ripped right out of my favorite short story, “Hills Like White Robot Pigs.”

  3. But where does the tongue go?

  4. You can also use it to save money on yoga

  5. Or for the budget-conscious among us:

  6. I’m mostly just nervous about what this will do to the kissing telegram market.

  7. I know the inventors put a lot of time into sculpting lifelike lips, but it seems like we could improve our Kissengers with this inexpensive attachment:

  8. Can you sync this up with Chat Roulette?

  9. Advanced technology. Let’s all pray this device never falls into the hands of Iran.

  10. Is it me, or is naming this device after a fat German famous for bombing the living daylights out of Vietnam and Cambodia just a super-sexy move?

  11. I hope this works better than every time after a kiss when I say in a robot voice, “Processing kiss. Kiss will be processed in 3, 2, 1 …”

  12. Ugh, I promised to take care of Valentine’s Day this year but I kind of want to “forget” so we can just get take out and watch Twin Peaks? Awful girlfriend, or the worst girlfriend?

    (Unless Nelson Dida is reading this, in which case just kidding I’m an excellent girlfriend, very romantic, I already booked us a table at that fancy restaurant, call me on the telephone I will give you 10 sons!)

  13. This is an episode of The Big Bang Theory:

    Howard invents a kissing machine for long-distance relationships.

  14. If I wanted to kiss a robotic pig I’d call up my first husband! *LAUGHTRACK*

  15. can it virtual feel her boobs? am I right fellas?

  16. one man pig and one woman pig, as god intended.

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