It’s hard to believe that just a few short months ago the town was divided into two teams, and this rag tag gang of rough and tumble players didn’t look like they’d be able to win a single game, much less make it all the way to the biggest game of the year, state. That’s what’s on tonight, right? State? Look, I’m not going to say that ALL I know about football I learned from a critically acclaimed but largely unwatched network family drama, but it’s probably fair to say that 60 percent of what I know about football comes from Friday Night Lights. And 30 percent comes from Peanuts comics. The remaining 10 percent is actually artichoke dip! But here we are. The Super Bowl! It’s AMERICA’S GAME! Whether you are watching it with your beer-hat-wearing best buds in the flatbed of a pickup truck in a parking lot somewhere (see? I get sports) or if you’re cuddled up on the couch with your 100 cats and a cup of hot tea, whether you just want to see that impossibly annoying fucking Jerry Seinfeld car commercial or if you actually do care whether one team gets more scorepoints than the other team in their pants and their hats, stick with your fellow Monsters for the minute-by-minute play-by-play. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME COMMMMMMENNNNNNTS?!

Comments (109)
  1. IT’S HERE!!!

  2. I’m ready for the incoming nightmare of a halftime show that’ll be.

  3. I just called for a pizza, the guy laughed in the phone for 2 minutes, then told me they’re too busy to deliver right now but he’ll put my order at the top of the pile. Also, if I don’t get my pizza within the next 30 hours it’s free.

  4. My predictions:
    Pats trail by halftime, win by at least 8 points.
    Peyton Manning cries.
    Bill Belichick chews on his sweatshirt.
    Ocho Cinco gets 35 yards.
    Eli Manning shrugs 4 times.

  5. I love how there’s an audible “awww” for the coin toss. Peeps love to bet on dumb things.

  6. Kudos on the article picture by the way. Very fitting photo. You made sure it was the right sport and everything!

  7. True Fact: Did you know the halftime of the superbowl is the half hour period in which the most toilets are flushed around the world?

    GO VIKES!!!

  8. I hope Tom Brady never puts a helmet on, right?

  9. Boo! I’m stuck at home doing SCHOOL WORK! I don’t have TV channels, just Netflix! I thought this open thread would see me through, but I don’t even get to watch Tom Brady be handsome OR Madonna (it’s Madonna, right?) pop a nipple at the half time show! MY LIFE IS OVER!!

  10. Things get more exciting if I think of this as Susan G. Komen vs Planned Parenthood.

  11. FUMBLE FOR MOST VALUABLE PUPPY!!

    Two touchdowns before the end of the second half? This kid has skills.

  12. Why didn’t the Giants attempt a rouge?

    #CanadianFootballHumour

  13. Flavor Flav is so much richer than you.

  14. Hold me closer, giant paycheck!– Elton John

  15. Guys, Fry from Futurama is a naked M&M!

  16. Literal quote from the Battleship promo: “From Hasbro The company that brought Transformers”

  17. Instead of watching the commericals, lets all look at this picture from the Toronto Zoo

  18. Insensitive to the future victims of the Maya-ocalyopse, Chevy Silverado

  19. So GoDaddy’s target market is 14-yr-old boys??

  20. Ugh, damn you puppy bowl! I need to finish two essays for tomorrow, but you’re so adorable and now that I think about it I have beer in the fridge and wouldn’t it just be easier to drop out of school 2 months to graduation and drink beer and watch puppies? If the Mayans are right I’ll be so pissed that I didn’t spend today with beer and puppies.

  21. As a St. Louisan, I’m legally required to cry a tear each time I see a Clydesdale and shake my fist, saying “IN-BEV”, FYI

  22. Smiling as your sister swims in your urine= free taxes? I’d love to see the meeting where Don Draper sold that one

  23. “Hitler didn’t work out as a spokesperson, let’s try Darth Vader” – Volkswagen

  24. “The father’s daughter”

  25. FALSE STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!! WOOOO!!!!

  26. “Could Hernandez HAVE any more tattoos?” — Bandler Ching

  27. Hold on to your butts.

  28. Bring back Up With People!

  29. Wait a second, I’ve seen Madonna’s outfit before.

  30. Are you supposed to be Roman, Egyptian, or Persian, Madonna? This cultural mishmash does not respect those ancient cultures. 

  31. Good god this is bad.

    Please, halftime programmers just hire Prince every year. Nobody will complain.

    • I was actually at the Prince Super Bowl (great story of how i got tix, i will tell sometime). It was the greatest performance/concert i’ve ever witnessed. 60,000 screaming football fans doing the HOO HOO HOO HOO part in purple rain = a double-rainbow like experience.

      Aside from it looking like it was filmed underwater, this performance was CRAP. CRAP CRAP CRAP. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

  32. If I rebreak my ankle, can we wipe this halftime show from our collective memory?

  33. “Oh good I hope that’s Cee Lo” – nobody

  34. Is Madonna gonna kiss MIA and Minaj like she did Britney and Christina? No? Racist.

  35. M.I.A. is so subversive when she dresses as a cheerleader and acts like a Glee cast member, you guys.

  36. WORLD PEACE! amazing. As if there was anything else left to say after that.

  37. How was that different than watching my old grade 12 English teacher rap about geography?

    • I guess it wasn’t rap? But then her creepy uncle and his son showed up and they rapped.

      • Was it rap? Or was it rap-rap?

        True story: I dated a rapper once upon a time who made a shirt that said “I’d rather be rapping” and wore it all around town running errands before coming to pick me up. He came in complaining about all of these bitches who were giving him dirty looks all day because he’s a rapper, and then I pointed out to him that “rapping” is spelt with two p’s. Yipes. I wish I’d never told him. He would still be wearing that shirt today. I just didn’t want to be seen in public with such an enthusiastic rapist.

        The upshot is that it’s 10 years later and I still get the giggles thinking about him grocery shopping and paying bills and visiting the post office in that shirt.

  38. Marching band tributes is how Madonna’s gonna reconnect with today’s kids. 

  39. World peace!

  40. “I’m batman” – Clint Eastwood

  41. World peace. That was better than Stones, The Who, and Springsteen.

  42. Was it my imagination, or did M.I.A. slip in a quick flip of the bird? I hope.

  43. I think Rob Corddry said it best: Madonna is great when she’s holding on to something or when someone else is on a tightrope.

  44. It was so difficult to explain to my parents and relatives who all the people who weren’t Madonna were. Thanks, Madonna. And fuck you. Cause I hate that I know who they are.

  45. I’m just recalling that part with LMFAO. That was bad, huh? I hate them mostly because there’s no way to insult them. Anything you say, they’ll just be like, “Yeah, that’s what we do. On purpose.”

  46. “‘Smash’ is Not”– my prediction for a USAToday headline in the Life section this Tuesday. 

  47. I’m just tuning in. Did I miss Ferris Bueller singing Danke Schoen at the half?? That was a thing, right???

  48. Oh, thank goodness! FINALLY, another Bud commercial. I was getting worried that they were gonna cap it off at 15 for the night…

  49. HOLY CRAP!

  50. Eli is so damn clutch.

  51. Do the Giants pad their pants to look like they have bigger butts?

  52. He said he was an elite quarterback at the beginning of the year and people laughed.

  53. I’m so glad I arbitrarily picked the Giants to root for.

  54. Bill Belichick: 3 parts Vince Lombardi, 2 Parts Marv Levy

  55. Looks like fun. So, when does this game start?

  56. Alright! Way to go! Aaaaaaaaaand I’ve already pushed this game out of my memory…. Why do I have this urge to drink a Bud Light in the back of a Chevy Sonic while watching a Disney knock-off of Avatar???

  57. Who wants to have a GIF after party??? I’m in my pjs, but too jazzed up on beer and puppies to go to bed. Also, I don’t know how to “GIF”.

  58. http://lnk.co/IHWAS buy3buy

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