Just as all of America’s hearts were warming to Jean Dujardin, star of Uggie’s breakout hit that I still haven’t seen yet and get off my back about it, The Artist, a series of posters have been released in France for his new feature The Players featuring him in some compromising positions, if U kno wat I mean! (#sexstuff.) And because they are so gross and sexist and terrible and France hates them so much, some people are speculating that it may hurt his chances at the Oscars! OH NO! THINK OF THE UGGIES! From The Telegraph:

But his hopes of being the first Frenchman to receive the best leading actor Oscar could be dashed due to a sexism row over posters for his latest French film, it was claimed today.

In one, Mr Dujardin, 39, is seen dressed in a suit and tie holding a woman’s open legs by her stilettos with the caption: “I’m just going into a meeting.” In another, his sidekick, Mr Lellouche stands with a woman facing him at groin level as he warns someone on his mobile phone: “It’s going to cut out, I’m going into a tunnel”.

Hahaha! I certainly hope that it is just a lost in translation type situation and the captions really aren’t exactly what those captions are, because HOOO BOY. Those are very bad captions! Very unimaginative. I’m going to think for the next five seconds and I’m sure I can come up with a better one. Ok, here goes: “Looking forward to the merging of our companies.” LOL. Much better. Here’s another one: “One sec, I’m filing my income statement.” LOLOLOL. Those took my brain fewer than five seconds to come up with, and my brain is without a doubt the brain of a stupid person. Let’s see what our brains can do to fix the POSTERS for this thing, so our Uggie can finally win the Oscar that I assume he deserves!

Ok, here are the originals. Very terrible!

And here are my fix-ups. VERY GOOD!

See? You don’t need SEX APPEAL and GROSSNESS to make a good movie poster! Just a brain and a few great ideas. Can you do any better? I doubt it TBH, but can you?

PS: I understand the appeal to make the first one even grosser, but PLEASE DON’T MAKE THE FIRST ONE EVEN GROSSER!

Comments (32)
  1. Hey Jean Dujardin in poster 1: You are looking in the wrong direction, dude!.

  2. That camaro looks very happy that he’s going into the tunnel.


  3. “I might lose you. I’m just going downstairs to but this bottle of champagne someplace dark until it’s ready to pop.”

  4. I think I’ll watch the OSS movies again to wash the bad taste from that poster out of my mouth.

  5. Real question — my ADHD is going to make the beginning of this movie a pain in the ass to watch. Will this man’s handsomeness make up for my inability to watch silent movies without fidgeting and what not? Or should I wait until Netflix? I really want to see it, but I can’t sit still for 20 minutes without noises. I cannot!!

    • Here’s the thing: Is your attention captivated by exaggerated physical movements and dancing? Because that’s what silent movies are made of, all with a peppy musical track scored to it.

      Plus, The Artist has a GENIUS opening for people oh so scared of seeing this wonderful silent film. They really baby step it for everybody. it’s RIDICULOUSLY ACCESSIBLE AND PEOPLE NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY DON’T KNOW IF THEY CAN SIT THROUGH A ‘SILENT’ MOVIE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!>?!? COME_ON_GOB.GIF.

      • I would also like to mention that as much as I wanted to see The Artist, it still took me roughly two months to go see it! I wanted to like it so much and I loved the idea of the silent film’s story being tied into the rise and fall of silent films themselves, that I was afraid the film would be inaccessible.

        “Do I even know if I can sit through a silent film?” I pondered a couple times.

        Then one day I remembered I’ve seen plenty of silent films like Metropolis and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, and all that college film class stuff. But here is the thing– The Artist is EXPONENTIALLY more accessible to us here in the modern day than those classic films I just listed. I got through those films fine, and once I remembered that I went to the theater and saw the Artist and loved it. THE END.

        • I don’t know!!! I’m going to Netflix it. At least then I can point the dog out to my dog and he’ll look at me like “fuck this, I want some squeaky toy noises” but he’ll say it in subtitles because he’s big fan of the dog in Beginners.

          • I wouldn’t worry too much about the silence. There is music so it’s not as if there is no noise.

            I wanted to see the Artist because I was intrigued to see a silent, black and white movie made in this day and age. I like old movies, although I can’t recall seeing any silent films.

            I think the hype for the movie sort of killed it for me. It was not really that great. Jean Dujardin is very good in this role, and in terms of style, I think the film makers did an excellent job. However, the plot was pretty dull and simple and I didn’t fall in love with the characters. Except the dog of course.

          • I hear where you’re coming from, but I have to disagree. What a surprise, I know. I enjoyed the film thoroughly, and my only real big complaint was that it sagged a little bit in the second act. But I enjoyed watching the upward and downward spiraling of the two leads, and was content with the way ti all wrapped up.

            The only leveled criticism I can give the film besides the second act sag (which plenty of films are much more guilty of than The Artist), is that some of that sagging made the gimmick of the film (being a silent film in 2011) a little too obvious, taking me out of the film to a small degree. Some scenes needed just a couple more dialogue cards to keep it going. Even still, that is a small complaint from me, and it did not detract from my enjoyment in the theater. It was just something I thought of later as I reflected upon the film.

          • If you’re going the Netflix route, don’t even worry about The Artist and just snob it up with some Buster Keaton, of which a lot is available to stream, including the great Our Hospitality.

    • I think there’s going to be SOME noise. At the very least there will be some sort of elevator music, and probably also some moaning.

  6. Are we sure that second poster is of Jean Dujar? He looks like Stanley Tucci. Can we put the blame on Tucci instead?

  7. Oh. I get it now. They are fucking.

  8. I’m pretty sure someone will tell me if I’m wrong, but I think he is way to pretty to be straight, and he doesn’t have a body like that wolf dude from True Blood and Magic Mike, so the poster doesn’t do anything for me except look like a dated, 1970s male chauvinist poster. Just substitute his face for Dudley Moore or Chevy Chase, etc…
    To make this poster more modern, use a picture of Jon Hamm doing the same thing to Kristen Wiig.

    That being said, we just got The Artist on Netflix and this will be part of our weekend. I hope it’s great!

  9. I mean he’s looking at her shoes, people! While having her in that position….

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