It has been a long road. It’s hard to believe that over the last few years we’ve all spent one hundred hours of our lives — every single one of us– –certainly not just me and a handful of others — watching the young adult lives of Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, and Dan unfold, revealing the crumpled-up piece of garbage that is Gossip Girl. A wonderful, intricately crumpled piece of garbage that, with each new smoothing over of a wrinkle, reveals a million more garbage bits hidden inside. [Ed. Note: Please check out Dan Humphry's Inside, available wherever fake best-sellers are sold.] And now finally, during the show’s PRETTY BAD 100th episode, we find out the one thing that no one has ever really cared to know since the series began: WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL?! Also we find out: WILL BLAIR REALLY MARRY THAT PRINCE?! Also we find out: WILL CYRUS MAKE A PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE?! Also we find out: OH NO MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG WAS LISTED IN THE OPENING CREDITS!!!! So, please, let’s talk about it. After the jump.

UGH, EVERYTHING WAS TERRIBLE! KIND OF! Blair’s transformation this season from a smart, conniving, and ultimately kind of REAL silly bitch into someone who would let a pact made under duress with a God she just obtained in order to marry a Prince (secretly, for some reason?) (why couldn’t she let anyone know she was converting to Catholicism?) (just because EVERYTHING has to be a secret?) control the events of her entire life has been very disappointing! THAT’S NOT OUR BLAIR! Blair doesn’t let a God she didn’t believe in until two seconds ago stop her! She plans a scheme and then Dorota makes a worried face! Nothing on this show ever makes sense, but at least when it hasn’t made sense in the past it’s always under A MILLION layers of people sleeping with and drugging and almost killing each other. This “Blair and Chuck cannot be together because of a God promise” plot line is just dumb and lazy and boring. Do you even care about this show anymore, Gossip Girl writers?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?! IS ANYONE?????!!!!!!!!!

Ok, next: A thing I did like about the episode was Louis’s threat speech at the end, given after Gossip Girl revealed that Blair still loved Chuck. (DURING THE WEDDING?) (Honestly, EVERYONE checks their phones and WATCHES A VIDEO DURING THE CEREMONY?) (Give me a break!) (Give me one goddamn break!) Anyway, the threat speech was more Blair than anything Blair has done this whole season. “Smile. Smile for the cameras.” Hahaha. Terrible, and super stupid, and super good. Though it was obvious that that was what was going to happen, after Louis’s mom wanted to talk to him again — after giving him a weird talk about how marriage is a business deal. And it’s like, why doesn’t Louis just marry HIS MOM, right? This is how professionals write about TV shows, right? RIGHT?!

I’m so upset that Georgina is back. Obviously Georgina was going to come back, because she’s been “back” in every single season, but UGH GEORGINA IS THE WORST! The reveal at the end, that Georgina was Gossip Girl, was annoying not only because NO SHE’S NOT, but also because it meant that she’s in this season for keeps. And that is terrible news. But, to talk about the real thing: Georgina is definitely not Gossip Girl! Not that, again, anyone cares WHO Gossip Girl is for real. But I refuse to believe that Georgina, from Switzerland, where she was during the first season, was the main source of gossip about the lives of high schoolers back in NYC. Hahaha. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! Believe me, I’ve spent ALL NIGHT thinking about it — weighing the pros and cons — and it’s just something that I refuse to believe. So that means she is the new Gossip Girl, picking up where the old one left off after being forced to stop after causing Chuck and Blair’s convenient baby-killing car accident. BUT I DON’T WANT HER TO BE THE NEW GOSSIP GIRL! I don’t like looking at her face! Why doesn’t she just go to wherever they sent Vanessa!

Ok, obviously we’re all so excited about how dumb this show is that we can’t really even write about it coherently. So. What do you guys think? Everything that I said? Do you think Nate’s gonna marry that waitress? What do you think his grand gesture is going to be? Is Blair gonna marry Dan next? Are Chuck and Serena gonna get married, just to make them mad? But then find out that they really love each other? What’ll happen to Monkey?

PS: Cyrus did make a Princess Bride reference.

Comments (50)
  1. Here, Baby Friday! Here is the thread to hijack and talk about The Hunger Games!

  2. I agree there’s no way Georgina is Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl isn’t even one person. It’s a conglomerate of catty bitches and vindictive gay men. It’s going to be like that Volturi group in Twilight.

  3. I think Gossip Girl is a group effort by the unknowns that walk amongst Manhattan’s elite. (Think less than Jenny Humphrey the first season.) No one cares what they do, but because they’re at the same schools watching the popular kids and whatnot, they can report on the sly. I also think Georgina is taking over for a bit, like a guest Gossip Girl.

    But that’s not what I care about. What I care about is nothing — absolutely nothing — made sense between what I’ve caught up with from last season and what I watched last night. And where can I find this season? And when did Chuck get a dog? And that dog is really cute!

  4. So wait- let me get this straight, as I know nothing about Gossip Girl other than 1) Blake Lively is in it, and 2) Kristen Bell is credited as the voice of ‘Gossip Girl’, whatever that is.

    So here is what I want to get straightened (and as you read this just imagine my voice is going up higher and higher in pitch): Is the Gossip Girl an omnipotent narrator of the television show, and if so, is the identity of who is narrating a secret to the audience, and if so, is this a similar thing to the caveat of How I Met Your Mother?, which is another show I don’t understand?

    • I dont know where you live or what kind of a person are you but you are clearly stupid. BLAKE LIVELY IS IN GOSSIP GIRL, A SHOW WHICH IN A FEW YEARS HAS BECOME A SHOW I HAVE NEVER SEEN. THE SHOWS LEAVE PEOPLE APPALLED AND THEIR INGENIOUS WRITING PRESUMABLE IS SO AWFUL ITS ADDICTIVE. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW GOSSIP GIRL AND BLAKE LIVELY, INCLUDING GABE SO PLEASE BEFORE YOU WRITE AN COMMENT ONLINE GO FUCK YOURSELF

    • Gossip Girl is a blog that publishes rumors about people in their social world, and acts as something of a narrator for the show. My understanding is that the blog acts on tips from people looking to start shit. So, it’s not omnipotent, but privy to an extraordinary amount of secret info.

      Excuse me while I die of shame.

  5. They should have burned Jenny at the stake for their 100th episode. Far more satisfying than Blair getting sucked into a business arrangement.

  6. Aw, I thought last night was far less stupid than the rest of the stupid season has been stupid. If you ignore the obviousness of Blair’s calling Dan to rescue her and the fact that she would never in a million years have worn her hair like that, as well as that there’s absolutely zero chance that Georgina has been Gossip Girl for longer than that one post and a few e-mails to Dan, it was good! Louis acted well for the first time ever! Blair had the world’s cutest two-dad moment! The writers found a way to use the real Charlie Rhodes that was vaguely believable! It’s not saying much, but I thought last night’s ep was the best of the season.

    • Seriously, what the hell was going on with Serena’s hair. I was all for it until I saw the little hair bow under the hair with more hair coming out. What was that?

    • WORD on Blair’s hair. Those were some ratty ass extensions.

    • Agreed on the bridal hair. Come on. It looked as though she washed it the night before and went to bed with it wet and then didn’t even brush it. And the gown! Too plain for a princess. I’ll bet when she marries Chuck on the 200th episode she’ll look spectacular. And Georgina is definitely not the original Gossip Girl.

    • I kind of loved last night’s episode! Blair’s hair was a definite disappointment, you are right! There is no way she wouldn’t have done some elegant up-do or at least elegantly poised curls. I knew something was fishy with this wedding from that alone!

      • That’s a good point. Blair had better hair in Serena’s dream than she did at her own wedding. That’s EXACTLY like when the questions are inverted in the beginning of Hamlet so you know something is amiss.

        Of course I always used to say that Shakespeare was the Aaron Spelling of his day… Does this mean that Josh Schwartz is the new Aaron Spelling?

        • Definitely. If Gossip Girl is our Hamlet, then of course Josh Schwartz is the new Shakespeare. If GG is Hamlet, then The O.C. is The Merry Wives of Windsor. It’s all so obvious now.

  7. Wait…is that what this has all been for? To find out who the “Gossip Girl” is? I don’t watch the show, but it kind of seems like that wasn’t entirely the focus the whole time?

  8. XOXOh no they didn’t!

  9. Oh my, I can’t be funny about this because I love this piece of garbage too much.
    I love Georgina being the new Gossip Girl. There is now a reason for Gossip Girl to have a destructive agenda against all these silly children. Does this mean her voice will replace Kristen Bell’s as the voice over though? I have so many questions.
    I think the only way this show can end is Blair marrying Chuck and also Dan. Serena can elope with cast of How to Make it in America and Nate will be caught having an affair with Hillary Clinton. It’s the only way!

    • Imaging Leslie Knope saying this to the camera in a manic clip is hilarious.

      The Hillary Clinton line sealed the deal, though I doubt Leslie would call anything she loved “garbage”.

  10. They also revealed the identity of XOXO as Xavier Oliver Xerxes Ormond, the French foreign exchange student with a secret past.

  11. So we’re not buying that Georgina was blogging about NYC high school students when she was in Switzerland at the start of the series, but we DO totally accept that this same blog was posting about these same girls when THEY were in France? I’m calling shenanigans on the whole damn affair!

  12. I can’t believe no one’s mentioned the reveal of Chuck being a ghost!

  13. So far, our Blair has been raped by Chuck’s creepy uncle, pimped out to that same uncle by Chuck himself, lost her unborn child in a horrific accident and suffered multiple nervous breakdowns.

    Chuck has also attempted to rape Jenny once, successfully statutory raped her another time, and had to stop his uncle from raping Jenny’s stepmom.

    I’m worried about Josh Schwartz, you guys. And by worried I mean “concerned that he might be keeping teenage girls in the cellar.”

  14. Wasn’t Georgina at Jesus camp at one point? She was not doing Gossip Girl updates from there. She even referenced it last night (I think)- something like, “They got me kicked out of Jesus Camp.” ???

  15. Of all the nonsensical things on this episode: Blair’s mother is allegedly a major fashion designer, yet she sent everyone to the Vera Wang Cameo Store for dress(es)?

  16. Maybe the best thing (aside from Wallace Shawn’s Princess Bride-ing) about this episode was how the ending could be read as some sort of Brian Krakow wish fulfillment sequence. Maybe it’s all a dream of Dan’s next novel?

  17. Maybe she is only Gossip Girl right now. Maybe Gossip Girl is like the Dread Pirate Roberts.

  18. When I watched the “I can’t be with Chuck because I made a pact with God” episode a couple weeks ago, I literally thought the whole thing was one big coma dream that Blair was going to wake up from at the end of the episode. When that didn’t happen, I decided that I want to be on whatever drugs the Gossip Girl writers are on, because seriously, WTF?

  19. hey, have you guyz been keeping up with this Gossip Girl show?

  20. I think the most important thing to take from all of this is that Videogum has finally had another Gossip Girl recap. Thank you Kelly!

  21. I’m around 80-90% sure that, at least during the first couple seasons, Bart Bass was Gossip Girl. He may still be. I mean N.E.R.D. on this show.

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