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Dear Verne,

I know that you won’t be reading this until your time on UK’s Celebrity Big Brother is over. It must be hard for you to not be able to communicate with your friends and family. That house is locked down tighter than Bio-Dome. Then again, with your extensive experience living in reality TV housing, you’re probably used to it by now. Remember when you were on Surreal Life? You’ve got the being-made-a-fool-of bug!

I just wanted to take a second to let you know that we’re all still pulling for you over here. We’ve never actually watched Big Brother, so we don’t have any idea how you win, or if you even can win, or if it’s even a real show. It kind of seems like a throw-away joke from Ed TV or something. “Big Brother is killing us in the ratings, Truman!” “What ratings?” “Whoops!” (For the record, Verne, I didn’t get Ed TV and The Truman Show confused, I just switched analogous examples mid-paragraph, and since they’re both equally stupid I figured it kind of worked.)

That being said, there’s a pretty amazing picture of you taken from the show floating around the internet today. It’s you sitting on the floor, dressed like a bear, eating a jar of honey with a wooden spoon. Also this. The thing that struck me in looking at this picture is that someone who is willing to participate in that kind of x-treme international humiliation out of what at this point is obviously a deep-seated need for attention at any cost, should really be cooler about people teasing you on the internet. You and I have already made our peace, but, like, when you’re in a situation like this, what do you think is going to happen? An outpouring of respect and admiration? DUDE, YOU ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN A BEAR COSTUME EATING A JAR OF HONEY WITH A WOODEN SPOON. I am just saying: WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF RULES, and one of those rules is dudes who are photographed under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES sitting on the floor dressed in a bear costume eating a jar of honey with a spoon get made fun of on the internet. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I just wanted to make sure, as your best friend, that we were clear on what this is. Communication!

Sincerely,
Lindsay Robertson

Comments (13)
  1. gabe, you are playing with fire. don’t say i didn’t tell you so.

  2. Was it Albert Einstein who said that World War III would be fought with nukes and World War IV would be fought with midgets in bear costumes?

  3. Let’s not jump to conclusions about the picture. Verne could just be starring in another remake of “The Wicker Man.”

  4. Let us not forget his attempt to sing Endless Love with Ulrika (who’s Ulrika??) http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/news/newsstory.jsp?id=449&position=25 This would probably be ok without the Afro-wig and mustache (it would not be ok, ever.)

  5. So this is out of the question for your next Double Dog challenge? It would make an awesome wallpaper is all I’m saying.

  6. ha! the power scooter photo defied description.

  7. The Truman Show is a great movie. And just because EdTV came along deciding to be a similarly themed piece of crap, does not mean The Truman Show is any worse.

  8. It was Plaid garment week on Gossip Girl. It’s nice to see Verne following suit with the mini-Gossip Girls, in every way.

  9. Selena  |   Posted on Jan 15th, 2009 +1

    Does anyone else find it creepy that it doesn’t really look like a bear costume, but rather, an oversized (possibly normal sized) teddy bear that’s been cut open and basically skinned. It’s very Silence of the Lambs- bring on Goodbye Horses and a tube of lipstick.

    How many innocent overweight bears have to be kidnapped, shoved down a well and starved for you to be a star again, Verne? So many; too many!

    If you go out in the woods today,
    You’d better not go alone.
    It’s lovely out in the woods today,
    But safer to stay at home…

  10. The only way this could get better is if he were a baby bear cub. And judging by what appears to be a larger costume on the chair behind him, this is the show of my (twisted) dreams.

  11. Lizzie  |   Posted on Jan 15th, 2009 +1

    I dont know if that’s honey. I am thinking its porridge as in the Goldilocks story, and if that’s true, you cant criticize him for eating it, because as we all know, the baby bear’s porridge was juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right!

  12. carolyn  |   Posted on Jan 19th, 2009 0

    It was hunny and it was for a task all the housemates had to dress up like toys and do different things, verne was doing this with another housemate michelle heaton. I would really urge you all to go on to the website http://www.channel4.com/celebritybigbrother as it such a great show so funny to watch. Im from ireland and watch the show every night, coolio is amazing!! If he wasen there it would be so boring, but anyways go on the website and look at some of the videos on there!!

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