[Uggie is currently swept up in the hectic and whirlwind schedule of awards season and on top of that he is a dog, so this interview is fake.]

Videogum: Uggie!
Uggie: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: You are a very cute dog! Thank you for sitting for this interview.
U: Bark bark.

Uggie sits.

VG: Good boy!
U: Bark.
VG: Awwwww.
U: Bark bark bark.
VG: Ahhhhh so cute! Hahahahaha.
U: Bark bark bark bark high-pitched-whine bark.
VG: Who’s a good boy?
U: Bark bark bark.
VG: I’m sorry, I have to hold you to the question. Please answer the question, Uggie. Who’s a good boy?
U: Bark.
VG: That’s right you are! Now, before we continue let me just congratulate you on all the success of your hit movie, The Artist.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: I haven’t seen it yet, which I wouldn’t normally admit to an interview subject, but you are a dog so who cares. But I’ve heard it’s very good!
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Right. No, totally.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Uh huh. So, how does it feel to be famous?

Uggie pees on the floor.

VG: Hey man, this is what you signed up for.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Well, I’m just saying, it looks bad to your fans if you don’t seem to appreciate the fame and success that so many of them wish they had for themselves.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: If that’s the case then maybe you need to take a good hard look inside yourself and try to figure out why you became a dog actor in the first place.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Sure, your owner, but you couldn’t have broken your leash and run away?
U: Bark bark. Bark.
VG: I read today that you’re retiring after the Academy Awards. Is that true?
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: The word retiring is a command that means that you’re not going to work anymore.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: What brought you to that decision? Was it hard?
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.

Uggie circles the carpet.

VG: Uggiieeee!

Uggie circles the carpet.

VG: Uggie, NO!

Uggie poops on the floor.

VG: I bet that’s why they call you Uggie, huh? Hahaha. I got you, Uggie.
U: Bark bark bark bark bark.
VG: Do you have any plans for your post-film life?

Uggie lies down and tucks his adorable face into his tiny paws and goes to sleep.

VG: Uggie?

Uggie opens one eye and then closes it again.

VG: Uggie, I’m still trying to have an interview with you here.

Uggie lets out some dream yips and paws in the air like he’s running through the most lush field of grass there ever was.

VG: Well, I guess that’s it.

Uggie farts a little.

VG: [muffled] I just feel like, if you’re going to agree to do an interview it’s rude to just fall asleep. I don’t care if he’s had a long morning and hasn’t had a nap in over 20 minutes, it’s just unproff–Kelly, will you turn that microphone off please?

End of tape.

Comments (21)
  1. This is exactly what an interview with Ricky Gervais sounds and smells like.

  2. Where is the love for 50/50′s Skeletor?!

  3. I don’t want to critique Gabe’s interviewing skills, but it seems like this would have been a lovely time to get Birdie to translate at least *some* of Uggie’s words.

    #birdiefortranslator

  4. I remember when my dog retired and went to go live on a farm in the country where he ate steak dinners everyday and chased squirrels through fields and chewed on bones. I bet that’s what Uggie is going to do too.

  5. Sounds like the fame has really gone to his head.

  6. yay Uggie! he tries so hard!

  7. That One: So what was the shooting schedule like?
    Uggie: Ruff.

    *Drops mike, walks off stage*

  8. Wow, talk about missed opportunities… I can’t believe Gabe didn’t ask him what covers the outside of trees, or what’s on top of a house?

  9. I understand now why they decided to make The Artist a silent film. Apparently the actors can’t even talk.

  10. Let’s not forget who made him who he is today (and if I knew how to add a picture I would add a picture of Liz Lemon’s agent Simon).

  11. A harder hitting dogterview would’ve requested a barkment on Uggie’s use of stunt doubles in the Artist.

  12. I was surprised when he jackmanned on the rug, and flat out offended when he depardtwoed later! The goldberg at the end was forgivable, though. I mean, who doesn’t let slip a little nancygrace while you’re sleeping?

  13. My parents have an Australian golden retriever named Snowy, after Tintin’s dog. I was talking with my dad on the phone the other day where he stopped talking to me mid-sentence to exclaim this:

    “Ugh! Snowy! You rolled in SHIT, didn’t you?!”

    I immediately imagined Tintin saying that to the actual Snowy as Captain Haddock looked on, and started cracking up. I promised my dad I would draw that image soon.

  14. The Monsters DEMAND a real interview!

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