Tonight is Barack Obama’s last State of the Union address for his first term in office, and possibly his last State of the Union address ever if Mr. Doubtfire (Gingrich) or Robo-Prez 5000 (Romney) or John Grisham’s The Racist (Santorum) or Child Dressed for a Funeral (Paul) manages to eke out a win in the fall. Good luck to all of the creeps! Anyway, you gonna watch this speech? If last night’s Florida debate is any indication, he’s going to be talking a lot about NASA and Terri Schiavo. You know, the things that matter to normal Americans. (Personally am I looking forward to his promise that he will use his second term to create a constitutional amendment banning invitations to join Linked In.) But, so, wait, you didn’t answer the question: are you gonna watch this guy’s TED Conference Keynote address? You should watch it! Amistad dumped all the tea in the river so that we could watch it! OK, good, I’m glad you’re going to watch it. And while you do, here’s a drinking game for you to play:

Drink every time:

  • Barack Obama vows to use his second term and the full weight of the executive branch to federally outlaw Linked In invites.
  • Obama sings a few bars of LMFAO’s “Party Anthem.”
  • Something something Nancy Pelosi’s face/eyes.
  • John Boehner looks so grumpy about a thing.
  • Barack Obama addresses an issue you didn’t realize was an issue. Like, federal funding for swimming pool lifeguard training, or increased exploration of the medical uses of breakfast cereal.
  • A Supreme Court Justice folds its hands quietly.
  • A special guest is introduced in the balcony and you’re like “Who?”
  • The Republicans refuse to applaud out of party loyalty, which sometimes makes sense, but in this case is something like Barack Obama being like, “we need to stop shooting children in the face,” and it’s like, no, nothing?
  • Soy Bomb rushes the stage.
  • All of the world’s problems are solved and it turns out we’d been living in a Utopian paradise the whole time.

A State of the Union drinking game is so appropriate and mature. It’s basically a civic duty at this point, I’m sure.

Comments (38)
  1. That’s pretty ballsy, making fun of Ron Paul for the way he dresses.

  2. Vegas bookmakers are giving 10 to 1 odds that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell will stand up in the gallery and finally proclaim that he is the product of an Owl and Turtle mating.

  3. This sounds almost as fun as the spit take game I played during last night’s debate. It pretty much involved doing a spit take every time anyone said anything. I was very thirsty by the end.

  4. Drink every time Barack Obama uses any lyrics from Stevie Wonder’s Living For the City.

  5. Drink every time Obama starts talking to Kevin Eubanks when one of his jokes doesn’t land.

  6. Possibilities for next year’s SOTU drinking game:

    Drink every time:

    - Rick Santorum tells pregnant rape victims to deal with it.
    - Newt Gingrich rips up a food stamp in front of a pregnant rape victim.
    - Mitt Romney malfunctions when asked about pregnant rape victims.
    - Ron Paul haha jk he’ll never be President.

  7. Is Gervais hosting?

  8. Drink every time Biden rips one and then totally tries to play it like it was Boehner.

  9. Drink every time Obama discusses:

    - the succession to the throne of Westeros.
    - strategies for fortifying the wall against “the others.”
    - foreign diplomacy with Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons.

    I’m going to get very, very drunk right?

  10. The Fox News recap afterwards will be even more fun!

  11. “The State of the Onion is… *whoops* Ha. I meant State of the Union… Oh, man. This is going to be on The Soup tomorrow, right?” — Pres. Obama.

  12. Drink every time you realize that living vicariously through politicians in the spectator sport of armchair political theater is a waste of your life.

    Drink every time the president mentions some platitude about the government that doesn’t match up with your friends’ and family’s experience working in government and all the insane amount of waste and sloth bordering on fraud that they observed routinely for years, the intrinsic lack of synergy inherent in government work that makes a lot of what the democrats say sound cracked and hollow, but is ultimately eclipsed by the republicans venal pandering to bigotry and religious zealotry, forcing you to “side” with democrats in the insipid never ending struggle that plays out on your precious internets forever.

    Drink every time you see someone in the audience who is not conventionally attractive.

    Drink every time you zone out during the speech and fantasize about what your life would have been like if you had been more motivated and had more of an agenda.

  13. Every time Ryan Gosling breaks up a fight in the gallery.

  14. With all this, we’ll be way too drunk to notice when Obama blindly follows his teleprompter’s orders to announce a ten million dollar bounty on Brad Pitt’s head while Clooney will be congratulating himself on a job very, very well done.

  15. Drink every time you think, “Oh Christ, my Dad is totally going to email me a long, convoluted refutation of what the President just said.”

    Pound it if you are certain his refutation will depend on “facts” that Fox News made up.

  16. Drink every time Obama tells you how Breaking Bad ends but then says “just kidding!”

  17. Drink every time Obama says “let it not be said…”

  18. Regarding how nice it is when the presenters just read the names and it all goes by quickly, it is worth remembering that the First Annual Academy Awards, on 16 May, 1929, lasted 15 minutes. And it cost $5.00 to get in. (Which is like $63 in today’s money?)

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